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Original poster

My Boyfriends Sister is rude to me. Advice please

23 replies

TeaCakes05 · 14/10/2018 22:10

Hi, all

Me and my Boyfriend have been together for nearly two years. All is good between us, and his family. Except his Sister.
She ignores me and doesn't make an effort to get to know me. When I try to chat to her, its all one sided. She even ignores me in our home. She is not shy, she is usually loud and dramatic.
I have told my Boyfriend about one occasion when she unexpectedly turned up at our home, walked in and didn't even acknowledge my presence. He brushed it of saying maybe I didn't hear her (I am not mistaken) or she was in a bad mood. My Boyfriend isn't super close to his Sister, he has told me she is rude, lazy and inconsiderate. I secretly agree with him. Today was their Mother's Birthday, I am extremely fond of her, so I put a lot of effort into making it lovely for her. My Boyfriend and his Mother was very grateful and appreciative. She again, ignored me, didn't thank me (she put minimal effort into her Birthday) and shown jealousy towards the gifts.
I feel like sharing with my Boyfriend my feelings. But I don't want to make a big issue, or to make him uncomfortable. I have gentley told him, me and his Sister are probably never going to be close friends, because we lack common interests and traits. But its a shame we're not even friendly or cordial.
Shall I just accept she obviously doesn't like me and leave things as they are? Or tell my Boyfriend I feel a little disrespected?
Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 14/10/2018 22:14

Have you confronted her? Cos I would be having serious words and she would be told she’s not welcome at my house. Possibly she’s jealous because her brother obviously prefers you/you’re prettier/more successful, who knows? I wouldn’t be putting up with her shite.

desperateforsleep2 · 14/10/2018 22:14

My boyfriend's sister was rude to me.
Now my husband's wife is rude to me (same sister).

If you're with your boyfriend you need to decide if you can tolerate his family. If it (her poor behaviour) is a deal breaker, then end the relationship now. If you can tolerate/ignore etc it then go ahead and be with this guy. You can't control her behaviour, only your reaction to it.
That's what I think, hope it helps!

Saymaname · 14/10/2018 22:17

Your husband’s wife?

Mixedbags · 14/10/2018 22:22

Say nothing, but try to look at positives if at all possible. It’s not you it’s her. There may be an underlying reason for this behaviour. Try to rise above it at this stage as it could go against you.

desperateforsleep2 · 14/10/2018 22:26

Husband's sister!!!!

HollowTalk · 14/10/2018 22:29

If you are at home, there's nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, this is my house and if you can't be civil you'll have to leave" and then eyeballing her.

TruelyTruelyScrumptious · 14/10/2018 22:39

Today was their Mother's Birthday, I am extremely fond of her, so I put a lot of effort into making it lovely for her.

Not really your role. Is that why she doesn't like you?

HollowTalk · 14/10/2018 23:00

Of course it can be her role! She's a daughter in law - she can give her MIL a lovely day if she wants to.

SinkGirl · 14/10/2018 23:08

My boyfriend's sister was rude to me.
Now my husband's wife is rude to me (same sister).

I’m really tired because I spent a while there trying to figure out who you married and how they had another wife.

OP, DH’s Mum didn’t like me much initially and was similarly rude. Now she’s very nice to me. Who know what the issue is and maybe it will resolve in time. I would try talking to her personally.

Thatstheendofmytether · 14/10/2018 23:09

Give her the same treatment back. Blank her and make sure she cant walk into your house uninvited without knowing who's there for God sake! She is ignorant. I wouldn't bother saying anything to dp, just don't humour her anymore.

SandAndSea · 14/10/2018 23:14

Please don't put up with being disrespected in your own home.

If others, like your bf and mil, are witnessing this and not saying anything, I don't think that's a very good sign.

How's your relationship with your bf apart from this? Why do you think he allows his sister to treat you like this?

SuchAToDo · 14/10/2018 23:18

She sounds either jealous of you, or envious or both..

You say her and her brother aren't close...if she resents him or doesn't like him...could she be disliking you too by default (because you are his girlfriend)?

I would.just ignore her, after all you get along good with his mother, and you are dating your boyfriend not his sister...you can't force another adult to like you..but you can ignore her and choose to not let her affect you

desperateforsleep2 · 14/10/2018 23:36

Also, it will deny her of all pleasure to see you not react or beg!!!

Original poster
TeaCakes05 · 15/10/2018 23:07

Thanks for the input
I can understand if the Sister thought I was trying to intrude on the family. My Boyfriend invited the family over to ours, including the Sister (and ran it by me) I said yes, I don't want to exclude her. Of course I was going to acknowledge her day. She puts effort into me. I wanted to return the kindness

OP posts:
CharismamaMia · 15/10/2018 23:15

I have had cause to look in to how to deal with a person like this.

I advise ignoring the fact that she's ignoring you and if she doesn't respond, call her by name, like, say her name is Sarah, literally say it like a reprimand ''Sarah!'' or ''Sarah, I said that twice now'' and with a jokey tone say 'you're making me repeaaat mysellllf, you enjoyed what I said the first time so much you made me say it again right?!

This jokey tone only works if you're really confident though and feel like you're floating above her nonsense. Which if you're hurt, you're not.

The best tactic in that situation is to ''make the hidden obvious'' and say ''I feel like you're so charming, warm and friendly to everybody except me. Is that your intention?'' and she kind of has to say no. Then when she's cornered in to saying no, take her at face value (this is important) and smile and say ''good!''. Give her the benefit of the doubt (even though she probably doesn't deserve it but you're the charming one and you take it at face value.

That may seem like a minute dialogue but apparently it puts the sniper on notice that perhaps you aren't the pushover / door mat they thought that you were. They revise their plan to make you feel excluded in order to make themselves feel included.

People only defend what they feel is vulnerable. She must feel that her relationship with her brother is vulnerable to be behaving like this which is sad.

CharismamaMia · 15/10/2018 23:28

''Also, it will deny her of all pleasure to see you not react or beg!!!''

This seems like the dignified response and it is dignified but I think it sends a message to the perp that you're not going to do anything. You're not going to draw a line, erect a boundary, tell them to fuck off, risk the status quo.

Having been through this at work (not a sil) I think you have to let the person know in a non-confrontational way that you're have put them on notice.

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/10/2018 23:37

How old is she?

Original poster
TeaCakes05 · 15/10/2018 23:53

Thank you everyone for the advice :)
Today, my Boyfriend brought up that his Sister ignored me AGAIN on Sunday. He reassured me Sister hasn't said I've done or said anything to offend her. He also said she's always been this way and he's used to it, and it goes over his head. I don't know if their Mother has noticed. I wouldnt say anything to her anyway. I don't want to cause a drama. I'm also not pushing myself onto her, nor interfere in the family.

I don't want her as a friend. I like to be friends with nice people. But I would like us to at least be cordial, polite and have respect in my own home. I know not everyone "clicks", that's fine.
My Boyfriend and his Sister do talk at least every few days. So they obviously have some kind of relationship, but no huge emotional investment and he said she's not protective over him. But there is some loyalty to his Sister.

What I particularly wanted advice on is if I should speak to the Sister or even my Boyfriend about possibly talking to her. Especially when she's rude to me in my home!? How shall I approach this in particular? I am also worried that if I ignore her back would it make the situation worse? Or should I just accept I've got a rude Sister in Law (to be in the future) and leave her to it?

Thanks all :)

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 16/10/2018 00:00

@CharismamaMia - I really like what you're saying. I think you're right in that some people mistake us not responding for weakness or a free pass to be abusive to us. Another good phrase to use is, "As you know..." It calls out the person's behaviour in a similar way.

SandAndSea · 16/10/2018 00:06

OP, we crossed. Personally, I don't think you should ignore her being rude to you in your own home. I think it's important you deal with this actually. (I speak as a very polite person who regrets 'ignoring' in similar situations.)

Original poster
TeaCakes05 · 16/10/2018 00:10

The Sister is 21, nearing 22 years old

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaCakes05 · 16/10/2018 00:24

Thank you!
This is the type of advice I need. I don't want to ignore it, because I am not a doormat and I do have a backbone. Some of your words did say how I feel. "If I say nothing, am I allowing her to disrespect me?" But I just wasn't sure how to address it. Do you think I will potentially cause a bigger problem with her by directly addressing this? Do you think she will find other ways to express her unkindness to me? Should I tell my Boyfriend exactly how I feel?

May I ask, how did your co worker's attitude change when you address/confronted their rudeness?

OP posts:
CharismamaMia · 16/10/2018 17:31

Things were incredibly uncomfortable in the immediate aftermath and her dislike of me was more palpable but things have got better.
I think her lizard brain knows now 'fuck with somebody else'.
Sad that some people need to be like this tho

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