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Original poster

How did bereavement affect your marriage?

20 replies

gunge · 14/10/2018 20:12

Going through a family bereavement and my once strong and lovely marriage is falling apart. I never understood before what people meant when they said their marriage is going through a tough patch but now I doSad

OP posts:
BubblesBubblesBubbles · 14/10/2018 20:27

I have had a very recent family bereavement.

And my dh has been an absolute star. He’s been my rock, he’s let me cry, scream, he’s held me while I cracked, he’s left me alone when I needed space, he’s picked up all the slack at home and with our dc, he’s pulled me from a downward spiral of depression which was coming on (not on his own he took me to the Gp who helped as well by prescribing me my pills) but I wouldn’t have made the appointment he did that for me. He held my hair when I drunk 3/4 of a bottle of gin and puked it all back up.

It’s probably been absolute hell for him - but he’s stood strong and done the best which he can and I am eternally grateful as I’m sure I’m not over this yet.

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

Can you tell me more and I can see if I can help if not I’m sure someone else will be along who can help you.

RoxytheRexy · 14/10/2018 20:48

After I lost my Dad I turned into a horrible person for a long time. And my husband put up with it but it certainly took its toll on our relationship. We both saw a side of me that I don’t wish to revisit

VenusClapTrap · 14/10/2018 20:52

I wasn’t married when I lost my Mum, but I was in a serious and fairly long term relationship. We broke up not long after she died. I think it just exposed cracks that were always there, and shifted my perspective on life so I no longer had space in my head to make excuses for someone who was just not right for me. It was a huge relief when I told him it was over.

We would never have stood the test of time though - bereavement just made me see things more clearly and hastened the end. I think if your marriage is based on solid roots it should weather the storm.

LanguidLobster · 14/10/2018 20:54

Completely broke it up to be honest. But he wasn't the nicest of people.

Really hope you can weather the storm together but it can be a very tough time Flowers

pointythings · 14/10/2018 21:01

It destroyed my marriage. After losing both his parents in the space of 4 years, my DH turned to the bottle, fell into deep depression and stopped being a functioning human being. I did everything I could to get him to seek help - counselling, ADs, support with stopping drinking - nothing worked. There were other things in his life and his history that made him vulnerable, but the bereavement broke him. He died this summer - we were still married, but separated and on the road to divorce.

During this time I also lost my Dad, but I had to handle that alone whilst keeping the family going and supporting the DDs.

OrchidD · 14/10/2018 21:16

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Been going through a tough patch here for a long time now Sad. Following a bereavement.

It’s not surprising that a marriage (and other relationships) will face challenges...a bereavement is pretty much the most significant and most difficult thing a lot of people will go through in their lifetime. And unlike having children (also significant and difficult at times), you’re not equal parties. Unless, God forbid, it is your child that has died.

In any case, people handle grief so differently and it is an intensely personal journey. It can be very hard for a partner to support.

Communication has to be a priority. Counselling is also an option, either separately or together.

But as we are not out of the woods, I am also watching for anyone who has come through this and can offer advice or share experience....

FaithInfinity · 14/10/2018 21:26

I lost my Mum when DH and I had only been a couple for a few months. He was brilliant, always there for me, let me moan, rage, whatever I needed. It solidified our relationship and we were engaged soon after.

However when we had fertility problems it nearly broke us. We thought we could get through anything but this made us turn on each other like never before. We got through it, are very fortunate to have our DD and we are stronger now. What helped was joint counselling and then separate counselling for me.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Andro · 14/10/2018 21:35

DH's sister and BiL were killed a few years ago, it hit both of us like a sledgehammer (she was like a sister to me, we had been best friends in school and she introduced me to my dh). On top of everything else, we also took on our nephew and niece. Hard doesn't begin to cover that time, but we got through it by being a team. We were both hurting, we were both trying to do right by the children and we were both trying to do right by each other.

We both cut each other plenty of slack, we each listened when the other needed to talk and we were both honest about where we were at - we also both got it wrong on many occasions. We came out the other side stronger individually, stronger together and our (already strong) marriage absolutely rock solid.

Things like this either make or break a relationship.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

LadyFuschia · 14/10/2018 21:48

That is a really good question: DH had lost his dad just before we got married and dealt with it by shutting down and carrying on. About eighteen months later my mum died suddenly when my first child was a small baby. Everyone comforted me saying it would be such a help that he knew what I was going through, how it felt.

Except it didn’t work like that. I deal with my emotions by expressing them and wanted to cry, be held, talk about her. But he loved my mum too, so had his own grief, and it triggered his recent grief over his dad so he couldn’t cope at all. I felt guilty when I was upset that it made him feel bad.

Over the next few years I muddled through but looking back I then developed some anxiety and we both found it really hard to find a middle ground. This wasn’t helped by the fact that we’d moved to his hometown away from my friends so I wasn’t seeing people I knew well enough to spot problems or ask me if I was ok.

In the end what helped was him being honest and saying he couldn’t be that person for me, and we agreed I would have some counselling. It really helped. Rightly or wrongly he couldn’t be my rock in that situation, and I needed someone removed from all my situations to help me sort out my many thoughts and feelings.

Sorry for your loss and I hope you find a way through it.

DeathByMascara · 14/10/2018 21:54

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

10 months on from losing my dad, I feel I’m at the bottom of a pit again. I repress my emotions until they build up too much, but dh seems to manage to push them down until they go away. He tries, and he does a good job - but it’s not the best time in our relationship. I just can’t find the mental energy to focus on ‘us’ when it takes so much just to get through the day.

Wishing you luck xx

Yellowsunredroses · 14/10/2018 21:58

I think it’s to do with the way people handle grief and upset. If you are one that type of couples who are ‘the same’ and respond emotionally the same way to things then it might easily bring you closer. If you are an ‘opposite’ type couple you might struggle to understand each other’s emotional response. You might both give and need different things and not understand each other’s needs or responses. Relationships like this can work when tested but it’s bloody hard and requires lots of understanding and communication.
I’d reccomend counselling.

elizabethdraper · 14/10/2018 22:01

It is s lowly tearing mine apart.

I need/want to be alone, by myself. No talk to anyone, think about nothing to just be still in silence.

He wants me to just be a wife, mother, worker, friend. Normal

He hates that I don't want to talk about inane shit, what will be watch on t.v. ?Or have for dinner.? I just want to scream at him to shut up and leave me alone.

I swallow it all down but it is just making me hate him

AamdC · 14/10/2018 22:43

I think corcumstances are. Everrything my dh lost his sister from sepsis 4 years ago because her death was sudden and unexpected ther e was a police investigation it was awful but we survived it by being honest with each other .

Original poster
gunge · 15/10/2018 01:00

It's my DH going through a bereavement. But I'm also close to the person that's lost. On top of that it's triggered losing a parent young and my shitty childhood. I just can't be the rock he needs me to be and it riddles me with guilt and it's coming between us.

OP posts:
OrchidD · 15/10/2018 08:35

A theme coming through from others, that I think is wise for you OP is honesty.

How do you think your DH would respond if you said you cant be that rock, that you are struggling too, albeit for different reasons?

Is there anything else you can step back from for a while to enable you to have more resource to get through this period?

OrchidD · 15/10/2018 08:38

elizabeth that sounds really really hard. I can empathasise with not wanting to hear "inane shit". Is yours a recent bereavement?

This issue has eased slightly for me nearly 2 years on, but I still struggle with the pointlessness of some topics!

Flowers to all who are bereaved

footballcrazy11 · 15/10/2018 09:00

Me and Dp have both lost a parent recently 3 months apart and it has been awful, it is hard to comfort someone when going through grief yourself

Original poster
gunge · 15/10/2018 09:12

I don't think our marriage will survive. We are hurting each other too much. We were so happy too Sad

OP posts:
usingupvegetablescraps · 15/10/2018 09:51

can you show him this thread, tell him you are scared of losing him and love him so much it hurts. So sorry for your loss Flowers

VenusClapTrap · 15/10/2018 10:35

A close friend’s marriage was very nearly broken by the sudden and tragic death of a young family member. Her Dh became depressed and lashed out at her (emotionally), to the point where she couldn’t take it any more and was making plans to leave.

At the eleventh hour he had some sort of revelation of what he was doing/had become, and he produced a bunch of flowers and an apology for being a dick. She forgave him, and they had an honest talk where she told him she was on the verge of leaving. They got through it and are now stronger than ever, and neither can quite believe how close they came to the brink.

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