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Original poster

What if you hate your child’s personality?

20 replies

daytimemom · 14/10/2018 11:23

Put this in chat for obvious reasons.

I love my 13 year old dd. I try and do my best for her. I work part time so I can spend time with her, I help her with her homework, invite her friends round & generally try and ensure she has a happy childhood. DH & I have been saving hard for a year to fund the school trip abroad she’s going on this month.

Despite all of this, her behaviour at home & towards me and DH is appalling. She’s rude, lazy, argumentative and basically not very nice. I asked her if she had any washing and she snarled that of course she did & threw a pair of inside out leggings at me with her underwear still inside. I asked her to take out the pants & socks & she threw a tantrum. She’s like this all the time.

DH & I are quite laid back & rarely lose our temper so it’s not as if she’s grown up witnessing screaming and shouting.

I know girls have hormones and she is a teenager but i’m really worried that this unkind, rude & lazy child will grow up to be a not very nice adult.

What can I do?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 14/10/2018 11:24

What was she like when she was younger? Is this behaviour out of character?

HollowTalk · 14/10/2018 11:24

I'd see the school trip as an investment in having time alone

Original poster

daytimemom · 14/10/2018 11:31

No unfortunately her behaviours been like this for years. It shocks even her friends. I paid for her and a friend to go for an ice cream after school, I bumped into them on the way home from work and dd kept screaming “go home mum” her friend looked shocked.

There is no bullying at school, she has lots of friends and when I ask her what’s wrong she says that everything’s fine & she’s happy.

I have to admit we are looking forward to a week off when she’s away

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 14/10/2018 11:34

Could one of her friends or an older teen she looks up to have a word with her about the way her behaviour looks ??

It sounds to me like it's maybe time to stop being so nice until she learns to treat people better. 🤷‍♀️

SpeckleDust · 14/10/2018 11:36

Following with interest as my 13 yo DD is very similar.

YeOldeTrout · 14/10/2018 11:37

You do your duty (answer to thread title). And then you can have clean conscience that you did your best. You don't have to like them to love them or do right by them.

ClashCityRocker · 14/10/2018 11:39

Sounds tough op. No advice but as you mentioned posting in chat for obvious reasons, I just wanted to say that I don't think chat disappears anymore, in case you wanted to get it moved.

Mookie81 · 14/10/2018 11:40

If she was mine she wouldn't be going on the shcool trip.

snifflesnifflesnore · 14/10/2018 11:40

Are there consequences for any of this shitty behaviour?

blackcat86 · 14/10/2018 11:40

Maybe you're giving and doing too much and need to raise your expectations of her now she's older. Instead of asking if she has any washing put a washing basket in an accessible area like a bathroom and tell her that her dirty laundry needs to go in it. If it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed. Don't allow her to be disrespectful to you especially not in your own home. Do you tell her this is unacceptable? Are there clear and consistent consequences? Teenagers actually really like boundaries although they won't admit it.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 14/10/2018 11:42

She won’t have much respect for herself if you tolerate her treating you like a piece of shit.

LethalWhite · 14/10/2018 11:43

So what happens when she does it?

If I’d behaved like that towards my parents I would have been deep, deep in shit. As in no friends over, devices removed, not allowed out, not given any money etc

Why are you allowing her to treat you this way?

sueshoes · 14/10/2018 11:44

I had times as a teenager when I was nothing like my normal self - I now recognise it as hormones as I feel the same way with PMS and it's like I'm outside my body looking on thinking "what the hell are you doing/saying, this is not you" but can't stop it. It wasn't just a few days here or there as a teenager though - it was a lot of the time. So maybe when her hormones settle, you'll like her again! I know I don't even like myself when I'm hormonal.

My mum was the worst for setting me off though, so maybe if someone else (older teenager as pp suggested) could chat to her about mood swings etc and how she feels about it (maybe she hates it too?), that could help?

IncomingCannonFire · 14/10/2018 11:44

Sounds like she could do with a (figurative) kick up the arse.
Perhaps she is used to walking all over you both because you are laid back. Used to being Queen of the roost, so to speak.
Might be time to find a parenting course for both you and dh and start handing out some sanctions/ consequences and boundaries.
Most of it sounds like normal teenage behavior, but you don't have to put up with it.
For a start she's old enough to do her own washing.
She does sound tiresome. Good luck OP.

MrsTumbletap · 14/10/2018 11:49

She talks to you like crap for years, but what did you do about it the first time? And the second time?

What consequences are there?

When she said "go home mum" what did you do?

HollowTalk · 14/10/2018 11:51

Yes, what did you do when she yelled at you in front of her friend?

chipsandgin · 14/10/2018 11:54

Might be worth moving this to the Teenagers topic - it doesn't sound unusual tbh, but there are ways of approaching it and lots of parents of teens over there on the Teens board (teens being a whole different kettle of fish as it turns out & quite often the trickiest part of parenting).

It might be worth adjusting your perspective, I'm sure you love her - it's sounds like you dislike her behaviour not her personality (which is intrinsically linked with her as a person). If you can see it like when they are little and you can choose to say 'you are naughty' or 'what you did was naughty' and separate the behaviour from the child.

Maybe try and have a calm talk about it at a different time, possibly when driving (that always works for me - it is less intense and confrontational) and say that the way she is behaving and talking to you makes you feel upset and you love her so you don't want to argue, then ask how does she think you can both approach things differently moving forward so that this doesn't happen and the situation at home/your relationship could be better - let the solution come from her?

Sounds incredibly frustrating and wearing though OP, you have my sympathy.

Potentialpoochowner · 14/10/2018 12:06

I think I’d tell her she can do her own washing from now on.

FunSponges · 14/10/2018 12:06

My 10 year old isn't anywhere near this bad but he does speak rudely to us sometimes. I don't tolerate it and he gets sent to his room (he hates this) or devices taken away. It sounds like you are far too soft. I wouldn't have saved for this trip for her, she doesn't deserve it.

MaryBoBary · 14/10/2018 12:07

Also going to ask if there are any consequences for this rudeness? I’m sure it would stop if it meant she lost privileges/treats.

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