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Original poster

How can I develop grit in my child?

17 replies

DocusDiplo · 14/10/2018 10:23

I dont mean sandy grit, I mean determination and to not just Give Up straight away with tricky tasks.

She is 9.

Help.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 14/10/2018 10:27

I think physical things help. Extra long bike rides or walks?

dreamingofsun · 14/10/2018 10:51

decide which things its important and concentrate on those. for me education has always been important for my kids to focus on and then a team sport so they are reasonably fit and sociable.

so i spend time supporting those with my kids and happy to let a lot of other stuff slip

youarenotkiddingme · 14/10/2018 10:56

What are they interested in?

I think having an interest and a goal to reach within that can create resilience.

My ds has asd and CP. he loves swimming and was born half fish I think! He is very anxious but used to be even more so. Finding a swimming club with a disability hub who would focus on his strengths and be positive was the making of him. He could set himself realistic goals and when he achieved them he got a bit more confidence and had developed a bit of resilience to aim higher again.

It's helped him develop skills he can transfer to everyday situations through something he loves. And I think confidence is the key to not giving up easily.

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Original poster
DocusDiplo · 14/10/2018 11:21

I don't think I can do this on my own. I am letting her down. I can feel it and see it.

OP posts:
PoliticalBiscuit · 14/10/2018 11:26

Put your own mask on First.

Your resilience and strength is what she will live through. If you don't have it you can't teach it. If you would wish a different life for your daughter, don't you think your mother would have wished a different life for you?

If your daughter was your age, what would you want her to do?

Try a hobby, a skill, some counselling, NLP, start your bucket list, some CBT would probably work really well for you and you could help teach her Flowers

Original poster
DocusDiplo · 14/10/2018 11:39

Going to check out of thread for a bit sorry. Very overwhelmed and stressed. Its so hard as a single parent. I am working and studying and I cannot cope with bringing them up well on my own. No family.

OP posts:
hugoagogo · 14/10/2018 11:45

I don't think you can, children will learn for themselves (eventuallyHmm) that persisting and trying hard produces results.
I am sure you are doing a brilliant job.

nostaples · 14/10/2018 11:49

They need to feel loved and not afraid to fail. Very much depends on how you react to her mistakes - need to be positive and take a learning from mistakes attitude.

Livedandlearned2 · 14/10/2018 11:50

Don't rescue her every time she forgets something for school, or has to redo something like homework. That's how I try to promote resilience. It seems harsh at the time but in the long term it's the best way to teach them.

AhAgain · 14/10/2018 11:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

llangennith · 14/10/2018 12:09

Lots of encouragement, help her as much as you can. Show her how to be organised and independent. Leaving her to struggle doesn't build resilience it just makes her despair and reinforces her belief that there's no point keeping on trying as she'll probably fail anyway.
Parenting on your own is hard but you're the only one she has so help her with lots of praise for however little she achieves.

BrokenWing · 14/10/2018 12:24

You are not letting her down. We all want the best for our dc and it can feel overwhelming when you don't know how to fix something.

We have had this problem with ds(14) at various stages, the "I can't do it" when you know they can and are either lazy or not thinking it through. Tears or sulking when things don't go their way or they lose a game.

I am not the type to give up either, but just couldn't pass that onto ds and dh was a big softey and always did everything for him. When he was younger my dad was nasty grandpa, who he loved, and would cheat/win games and gave him determination for a while, but after he died it faded away.

Karate helped for a while, along with a competitive sport he was ok at. But when he didn't give his all and his team mates/friends developed quicker than he did, he was dropped from the squad and he sunk back to not believing he was just as capable and could do it if he really wanted to.

He said he wanted to do it and I tried to work out a home fitness program with him but 5 mins on treadmill or 10 sec planks or 5 squats and it "was too sore", "can't do it" and sulking. We splashed out quite a bit and got him a personal trainer for 10 weeks just to teaching him how to do squats etc properly and the difference from day 1 was amazing. He does 1 hour a week with this guy and it influences the rest of his weeks attitude towards everything, fitness, diet, home exercises and even school. We are going to do another 10 weeks and then see if we can drop down a bit as it does cost a lot.

At 9 a PT is way OTT but it shows that sometimes they just don't want to listen to their parents and you need outside help to boost their confidence to try more. Does she have a relative that can take her somewhere and do things, my SIL was always amazed at what my niece could do with me but wouldnt be able to do at home. Have you thought about an activity that could help? Martial arts, drama etc?

youarenotkiddingme · 14/10/2018 12:25

It sounds like you are struggling? Thanks

I'm also a LP and I promise you that despite it being difficult you can do it.

Game face on. Smile and praise and sleep when you can! If they don't want to try something ask them how they will feel if they don't do their best. If they don't get the mark they want when they know they haven't put in their full effort.

You can't be everything for everyone. You have to teach them about managing their own feelings

Hideandgo · 14/10/2018 12:28

I always think our job is not to do things for them, it’s to teach them to do it for themselves. Once they take responsibility for themselves, confidence, motivation and grit comes with that. Also teach them how to handle both success and failure.

I think too many people these days do everything FOR their children mistaking it for love and protection.

hugoagogo · 14/10/2018 12:29

I really don't think this is something anyone can teach a child, they will learn it, probably from their own mistakes.
I don't really think it's helpful to suggest that this is yet another responsibility for an overwrought single mother.

Racecardriver · 14/10/2018 12:30

I think it depends on the child. Some children respond really well to bring challenged (I bet you can't do it and that is why you are giving up), others just need to learn that hard work pays off, others respond well to validation (constant positive reinforcement, well done for trying again type thing), done very strange children respond well to being berated (but I have only seen this twice so I wouldn't reccomend you try this unless you are completely sure it will help), some just need you to sit there and force them to try again so that they get into the habit. There is no golden rule that works for all unfortunately.

haba · 14/10/2018 17:22

There are a few good books on Amazon aimed at just this- think called Grit for children. Good luck.

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