Our DD is nearly 19, has PDA traits, emotional disregulation, self-harms and has chronic anxiety and depression.
For background DD has a younger DB who has an ASD, ADHD, conduct disorder and challenging behaviour. My DS has a significant mental health condition and I have a chronic pain condition. Both are made worse by stress.
DD is at college now but missed out on going to secondary school due to school refusal. This was because of bullying. She is doing amazingly well now and we are very proud.
We would like some advice on how to handle disagreements between DD and ourselves given the PDA/ASD.
We have always taught DD that even when we have disagreed we would respect her POV/opinion. However, the PDA traits mean she explodes and self/harms if we are not 100% onboard with every choice she makes (we try not to give those unsolicited).
For example, DD is exhausted and sensorily overloaded (spends every spare moment with abusive boyfriend). When DD asked our opinion whether she should go up this weekend we decline to answer, saying it's DD's choice. We say we will support her whatever.
DD is anxious about making decisions so pushes us to give our opinion. If we say we don't think it's a good idea she will take it that that's what she must do. She gets angry. If we refuse to give an opinion and she has a panic attack.
DD admits she is in a cycle of feeling she has to see her boyfriend because that's what she does in her free time. It's her routine. Even when he's threatened and abused her. He also frequently threatens to kill himself if she were to leave him.
This involves me taking DD to the next town (round trip of an hour) as we live rurally and buses are infrequent.
No matter how ill or in pain I am she expects a lift or he will be angry she hasn't gone.
I haven't worked since she was born because she had a heart condition and then both DD and DS struggled with school. DP does his bit but is self-employed and currently at University to help better his job prospects.
We are both strung out with the demands and the high emotions and my own mental health is suffering.
Has anyone any thoughts/strategies/ideas how we can handle our teen.
We love her very much and want to help her grow to independence without feeling like we are being held accountable.