I’m really self destructive and it’s affecting my mood. Help?

[MissTakesOurMaid]

Can’t be arsed to NC and may not return (fragile) but please know I read all of your messages.

I don’t think self destructive is the right word, but basically (recently) whenever something goes wrong there’s always a voice in the back of my head that screams abuse at me. Always. Always negative, never positive. Whenever I do something a little awkward or clumsily or even if I eat the wrong food (forever dieting) or remember something from my past when I was a really embarrassing/horrible young child. It is always there, and it always tells me how much of a horrible person I am, how worthless, fat, ugly, whatever. Sometimes when I’m alone I’ve started saying this stuff out loud to myself too, looking in the mirror especially.

I have always suffered with mild depression and self esteem but this ^ is a new development. I’m both somehow conscious of myself doing it and conscious of how it drags me down yet I can’t stop.

Has anyone else had this, and what do I do about it? I don’t want to go to the GP and say, ‘hey, I shout abuse at myself because I feel like I deserve it’ in case they look at me funny. See, I know it’s completely irrational but I can’t stop.

It is scary.

I think LOTS of us have this.

And there's LOADS I could say (I absolutely hate 'false' praise, which comes from having an overly critical father, I think)

But reading your OP, I think most of yours mostly seem to come in the form of how you look/how much you weigh/your body image. And that's a slightly different thing to being hard on yourself in general.

I don't want to make light of that, because I've overweight too, and I hate myself when I eat rubbish (which I do all the time). But I think that's a slightly different thing to being down on yourself generally.

Although, you do also talk about that.

These are hard things to overcome, aren't they (sorry not to be offering solutions... it's tough!)