Sympathy when someone won't help themselves?

[UnsympathetiCow]

How much sympathy do you have for someone who has never made any effort to look after their health (exercise, healthy diet etc) and is now beginning to pay the price?

Overweight - joint issues, beginning of diabetes, very high blood pressure, mini strokes etc yet still refuses to try to eat healthily. At a restaurant, orders meat, veg and rice but asks for it without the veg and with chips instead. Then orders a big dessert. Complains when they stay with us that we give them too much salad and they're sick of eating it. (If we have a cold meal, we always start with salad.). If we're given a salad at their house, they take more dressing than salad. Comments that they're not served a dessert with every meal, biscuits and chocolate with every cup of tea.

No exercise whatsoever, drive everywhere, complain if I suggest walking to the bus stop. Anytime I've tried to encourage a bit more activity or slightly healthier diet, I'm being rude, disrespectful, insulting, how dare you speak like that to me etc etc. Any sporting activity mentioned/that the DC do is met with derision. They spent 10 minutes yesterday describing in great detail to my 6 year old what injuries she could get from her favourite sport along the lines of she could break her back, kill herself

Now the health issues are creeping up in combination with old age and I'm supposed to have endless sympathy. Frankly, it's a bit wearing. Am I just a heartless cow or do other people struggle with this too?

OP , I had similar with a former friend . She has ME and depression and at first I had huge sympathy and was as supportive as possible but nothing was ever enough . At the time I was working FT and had DC at school so didn’t always have 2/3 hours (!) to listen to her woes. Any suggestion I made ( stop smoking , cutback wine ,go for walks, change her diet )was knocked back. Apparently I didn’t understand ! She tried 3 different counsellors but absolutely nothing changed . In the end I had to walk away as it was impacting so much on my MH. I still feel guilty but if someone simply won’t help them self there is nothing you can do. I get the impression that you are talking about a relative so maybe you can’t walk away but you maybe need to cut them off when they start moaning. Good luck 💐

Any suggestion I made (stop smoking , cutback wine ,go for walks, change her diet )was knocked back. Apparently I didn’t understand!

As someone who had had ME, that’s incredibly irritating. Going for walks would knock me out for days. Diet changes are pretty controversial with not great evidence for making much difference. Stopping smoking and drinking less are good for everyone but won’t make ME go away.

It sounds like she was unreasonable in many other ways but unless you have had ME, you don’t understand what it’s like and how frustrating it is to have people try to cure you when they don’t know what they’re talking about.

@purpleDaisies apologies if I came over as patronising. Obviously I can’t go into too much detail here but I really really tried with my friend. I read up so much about the illness and thought I was being helpful as she was so unwell but when everything- and I mean everything- is knocked back, it becomes exhausting. She used to phone me all the time ( even at work ) and was annoyed if I couldn’t talk for hours. Maybe I was a bad friend to walk away as others did but I honestly felt I tried.

OP, I know someone like this. She constantly complains about how she has no money to buy food or to pay bills or her mortgage but she and her husband smoke, go out at the weekends to bars and restaurants, have cable TV etc.

All suggestions about how she could economise are met with cries of self-pity and how smoking, cable TV, going out at the weekends to bars and restaurants are the only things that make her life bearable. (She and her husband work and they have no children nor do they have any caring responsibilities. They own a house that they have lived in for close to 30 years so it's not as though they are at the mercy of predatory landlords, either.)

My attitude now is "Fine. Either shit or get off the pot."

I have a relative like that. I have to make the effort with everything and then it's never enough.

Even if you are deeply limited physically, there are small things you can do. Sometimes even getting up can be a truly heroic effort, or climbing the stairs. The thing is the attitude of wanting to help yourself, when you are able to (I have ME too)

tbh unsympathetic it'd be hard for anyone to be sympathetic with someone who so determinedly neglected their own health and discourages others. Somehow I suspect that your irritating person will complain a lot about not getting sufficient treatment, when it gets that far too ...

If you're stuck with them, then I think the best option is a brisk refusal to listen to self-indulgent moaning. Move to conversation on or find something else to do when they start, and pay them more positive attention when they're less complainy

I would have no sympathy with that person.

Yes, it's an elderly relative. The "head of the family" so I also get grief from the rest of the family if I'm not sympathetic enough. If I suggest maybe relative could do/have done something I'm being disrespectful. Spouse will not say anything or try to change anything for fear of upsetting. It's got to the point where I believe it's beginning to affect the health of spouse as well.

Have you tried turmeric, carrots and coconut oil for your ME Purple?

Only joking. You have my sympathy. I have a friend who's been floored by ME since the mid 80s. It's miserable.

As far as the OP's situation goes the person has to be ready to change their ways or there's not much that can be done. Any outside intervention will probably be hurtful and put them on the defensive. It can seem like a huge task and impossibly daunting so comfort eating is a way to feel better.

OP you need to leave them to it for a while, just draw a line when they try and put your kids off sport.

Oldbutstillgotit it is just that ME is very poorly understood, and people who have it are worn down (past anyone's understanding) by the illness, but also by the dismissive attitudes of most people. I think the point is that someone with ME not exercising is not really comparable to what the OP is describing.

OP I felt this way about my mother, who made no effort to remain mobile or to cut the drinking and smoking, which meant that I had to deal with her incontinence and physical deterioration. I think my mother was depressed, alcoholic, and suffering from early dementia though. Horribly sad and frustrating, but no amount of encouragement or nagging would do any good.

This person's behaviour with your 6-year-old is disgraceful and I'd reduce contact based on that alone.

I have reduced as much as possible Irene and don't leave in charge of the DC. When I went to hang out the washing, they were reading DC a book, when I came back I caught the tail end of the conversation. I did intervene, but it was too late and already said by then.

I have been sent a text, but struggling to find a way to answer it without feeding the latest health drama.

(I know that the health issues are not fun and are probably scary, it's the drama, the need for sympathy and the refusal to take any responsibility that is getting to me)

I think sometimes just saying, "Oh that sounds really tough" then moving on is all that can be done.

Often people don't want solutions, just acknowledgement.
It's highly likely that whatever you suggest they already know - lose weight, eat healthily etc etc.

For some people there are no solutions, living with chronic pain or disability can be horrible and having someone recognise that their life is tough is enough.

I don't think you need to solve the issues or give endless sympathy.

If I suggest maybe relative could do/have done something I'm being disrespectful.

Best not to mention this really to the rest, it'll come over badly if they're some sort of matriarch or patriach in the family.

If you're getting pointless "I'm so ill" texts, then develop a habit of leaving it some hours before you respond. Slowly lengthen the time out so that gradually they realise they won't hear much from you.

If you can (I can't do this!) then cultivate an attitude of not taking their moaning too seriously and smiling a bit "Oh Grandpa has some funny old ideas, sport's great and fun!" and not getting offended if they splutter a bit.