Name changed as details outing - but long-term poster; penis beaker, pombears, yoni massage etc.
I had a best friend from the age of 11. We were incredibly close, though she refused to talk to me when I was sent home from work experience sick, as she didn't believe me (I was in bed when she came), but we made up when I invited her to my 16th birthday party.
Then we were pretty much inseparable. She was there for my anorexia, I was there when her premature baby died. Boyfriends, her husband etc, etc.
She used me as an excuse to have an affair (and once offended me doing so when her date stood her up and she went home early, by saying she came to meet a blind date with me, but he found me unattractive)!
The friendship really stuttered, suddenly, 10 years ago, when she suddenly stopped answering the phone to me. I had no idea what I'd done, or what was wrong, but her husband came round one night, and he implored me to go and see her, as she missed me, and we needed to sort it out and couldn't throw away years of friendship - even though I explained I didn't know why she wouldn't talk to me.
I saw her at her job and we became closer again, though never saw each other as much. Then after I'd been seriously attacked ( the perpertrator sent to prison) she just went silent again.
I got married 9 years ago, and was pregnant with my second child (my first was 18 then). I missed her and found her husband on Facebook, I chatted to my friend, she came round to see me, and we became close again.
Then she never had time to meet. I suffered with PND and didn't try to contact her, I confess. I did see her and we spoke and texted sometimes. Then she sent me a message wishing me well, and saying she was living 300 miles away. I was pregnant with my youngest at the time.
I saw her a few times in our town, with her mum (who seemed to think we were still besties and in constant contact), but she seemed very off with me.
My youngest died, and I reached out to her on Facebook - I don't know why, probably because I finally understood the pain she'd gone through herself. She sent back a message damning me for being sentimental about her daughter, saying I'd never been her friend (after 30 years), that I made constant lies that I found funny at her expense and was never there for her.
I was flabbergasted. I must have missed something going on in her life; but no. I saw her mum just after who told me all about my friend and her family (in "you know that so and so?"), so nothing had happened, and her mum still thought we were friends.
I found out from a school friend that she has cancer, and it's pretty serious - she isn't responding to treatment. I felt the urge to look her up on Facebook, but couldn't find her profile (it appeared on my 'people you may know' about two months ago), it still exists via my husband's, so she's blocked me.
I don't know how to feel. I KNOW it's not about me. But I've missed her constantly for years, and hate to think of her being ill.
She has friends on Facebook who bullied her badly at school, but has blocked me?
I genuinely can't think of what happened. She says I didn't contact her for years, but there were messages from us two months before.
Her husband did try to (drunkenly) snog me once when they split, in 2002 (and told her and me that he'd have had me if I'd been willing), but this also happened when we first met at 18, and she married him after this.
We are both 48.
Do I just leave it?