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Original poster

How do I tell my daughter that her dad is dead?

19 replies

Natsku · 10/10/2018 08:25

Sorry I didn't know where to put this, I'm more upset than I expected and can't think straight but need to take the opportunity to write this while the baby is napping.

I just got a call from my ex's brother that my ex was found dead in his home, they don't know yet how but something to with his illness (which I'm still not sure what it is, last I heard was epilepsy). My daughter hasn't seen him in a long time and hasn't spoken to him on the phone in months but she still talks about him, still loves him of course. I don't know how to explain this to her. She's 7 and very sensitive. Please help me figure out what to say.

And I'm feeling so terrible. I've wished him dead so many times and now he is. I thought I'd feel relief when he would be properly out of my life but I feel horrid.

OP posts:
Dazedandconfused1988 · 10/10/2018 08:28

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s okay to be feeling anything you are feeling right now
The book of life I think it’s called is a film about bereavement and death and is really good for littler children (under 10s)
There are also charities like winstons wish that can help you too.
Take time and seek any support you need

Nightmanagerfan · 10/10/2018 08:30

I would call the Winston’s wish helpline and get their advice. The main advice is not to lie - but use age appropriate language to tell the truth. I’m so sorry that this has happened. Be kind to yourself too - I’m sure there will be a whole host of emotions for you to deal with too

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 10/10/2018 08:33

Oh so sorry for you and your daughter’s loss. I think though you probably need to find out a little more of the circumstances, which of course may take time, before you speak with your daughter because she will probably have questions. You must be on rollercoaster of emotion right now. Flowers

Original poster
Natsku · 10/10/2018 08:55

I'm not in the UK but I would rather call a UK helpline thing like Winston's Wish rather than try and talk to someone in Finnish here, do you think that will be alright?

OP posts:
TheEmmaDilemma · 10/10/2018 09:14

I would hope they won't turn you away regardless.

redexpat · 10/10/2018 09:52

Does she understand the concept of dying?
Books that may help:
Badgers Parting Gift
Goodbye Mog
Depending on the edition - the little match girl by HC Andersen - in my edition the girl dies and it's a happy thing because there is no pain and no hunger and no cold anymore and she is together with her Grandma again.
Can you get them in the Finnish library? Otherise bookdepository delivers worldwide with free delivery.

Original poster
Natsku · 10/10/2018 09:56

She understands the concept quite well I think, she had an obsession with death when she was 4 so we talked about it a lot, and from time to time since then. She loves Mog though so I'll order Goodbye Mog.
I ended up calling her old social worker and she gave some advice and is going to come visit at the end of the week.

OP posts:
PhilODox · 10/10/2018 09:58

Natsku I'm so sorry, it must be a lot to come to terms with at the moment. You don't need to tell her yet, whilst it's so raw, give yourself self time to absorb it first.
The Sad Book by Michael Rosen is a good one for children to deal with loss. Aimed at KS2 age, but if she's sensitive, it could well be the kind of thing she could manage.
Be kind to yourself Thanks

TimeIhadaNameChange · 10/10/2018 10:13

So sorry to hear this.

I was 6 when my father died. From my experience (and I apologise if the following seems harsh):

  • make sure no-one uses the term 'gone to sleep' around her - I suspect someone did in my hearing if not to me per se, and I was petrified of sleeping for ages after.
  • talk about him with her. Even if it upsets you to do so, let her see you be upset, but also let her know conversation about him is not off limits (the stress here being on her being able to keep her memories of him alive).
  • again, let her know it's ok for her to upset you with talk of him - your emotions are not her responsibility (the stress here being on not giving her too much responsibility for your happiness).
  • don't only mention the negative bits about him - she needs to hear the good bits too.
  • keep in touch with his family, however hard it is for you, and however much they may seem to want to forget about you, if their keeping in touch with you is too hard. At least keep lines of communications open for her.
  • definitely talk to Winston's Wish. I really wish they'd been around when I was young.
  • maybe also think about counselling for her. Again, something I wish I'd had access too.
  • if you're religious, don't religiousfy his death too much. I'm pretty sure being told that my dad had gone to Jesus led to my feeling that maybe Jesus wasn't so great after all.
  • above all, listen to her.
HollowTalk · 10/10/2018 10:16

I'm so sorry for her loss. Can you wait to tell her, eg until the end of the week when she doesn't have school?

Is this the little girl who walks to school through the forest? (I've always remembered the thread about that child.)

KeiTeNgeNge · 10/10/2018 10:17

I am so sorry for your loss. I found the Grand Old Tree book a good one.

Original poster
Natsku · 10/10/2018 10:28

The Sad Book by Michael Rosen is a good one for children to deal with loss. I literally just remembered I have that book, I'm going to dig it out

Thank you TimeIhadaNameChange thank you for sharing from your experience, that is really helpful, and I'm so sorry you lost your dad so young. I'll ask the social worker about counselling, or maybe her teacher will know, I'm going to email her after I've told my daughter so that she's prepared for her being upset at school.

Yes this is her HollowTalk though she walks the road way now. I don't know if I can wait until the end of the week to tell her, I think she'll pick up on my feeling and wonder what's wrong and that might make it worse.

OP posts:
fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 11:20

I'm so sorry op.

@TimeIhadaNameChange what a lovely post. Thanks

Original poster
Natsku · 10/10/2018 14:46

I told her, not sure it's really sunk in yet, she's talking about everything but it but crying about things she wouldn't normally cry about so I think her sadness is coming out that way.

OP posts:
fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 17:05

Oh bless her. You sound like a great Mum op, I'm sure you'll get her through it as well as she could be.

Original poster
Natsku · 11/10/2018 07:16

Thanks. I'm sure the funeral will help but don't know yet when it will be. I expect they had to first do an inquest or something because they don't know how he died, so it might take some time.

OP posts:
PerkingFaintly · 11/10/2018 07:24

Oh Natsku. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Thinking of you and DD and baby Natsku. Flowers

Original poster
Natsku · 11/10/2018 07:34

Thanks Perking

OP posts:
confusednorthner · 11/10/2018 07:42

I'm sorry for you both, please tell your daughters school as they should have a member of staff trained with helping children through things like this.

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