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Original poster

Sensitive pregnancy announcements

20 replies

DitzyDot · 09/10/2018 23:01

I’m meeting up with some friends for a night out this weekend. Two of them are pregnant and one is struggling to conceive. I’m not sure if any of them are aware of each other’s situations.

I’m worried that it will be upsetting for my non-pregnant friend to have to deal with two face-to-face excited pregnancy announcements in one night but I don’t know how to prevent this happening without breaking anyone’s trust.

I’m leaning towards giving non-pregnant friend a heads up by text before the night out but I don’t want her to feel patronised, or that I’m making it in to a bigger issue than it actually is for her.

Any suggestions on how I could/should handle this? I appreciate that none of it is my business and I probably shouldn’t get involved at all - but I feel like I might be setting non-pregnant friend up for a horrible experience if I don’t do something.

OP posts:
SerenDippyEggs · 09/10/2018 23:16

Ahhh it's a difficult one. My instinct says have a word with the two pregnant ladies, but obviously your friend's struggles shouldn't be broadcasted unless she herself says it. I know it will feel horrible but I think it is best to just sit this one out, and be there for your friend if she is upset 😩Thanks

ProfessionalBarren · 09/10/2018 23:17

I’d really have appreciated a heads up in this situation. Gives time to get your game face on to express appropriate happiness to your friends when you meet. For me the alternative could well have been public tears and subsequent. Well done for being such a a considerate friend.

ProfessionalBarren · 09/10/2018 23:18

*subsequent guilt

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Original poster
DitzyDot · 09/10/2018 23:36

Thank you both.

Seren, my thoughts on giving non-pregnant friends the heads up rather than having a word with pregnant friend are that the pregnancies will shortly be common knowledge but non-pregnant friends struggles are unlikely to be made public - therefore if I am going to break someone’s trust isn’t it fairer/better to share something that will soon be revealed anyway?

OP posts:
SerenDippyEggs · 09/10/2018 23:42

@DitzyDot that's very true, I do understand where you are coming from. She would probably appreciate a heads up. You're a good friend Thanks

Fishforclues · 09/10/2018 23:53

I think that's probably a good idea. If you want to hedge your bets a bit in terms of breaking trust you could say you have a strong suspicion rather than you know. But I think I'd favour just being honest.

EnidButton · 10/10/2018 06:41

Give the one who is struggling a very gentle heads up with plenty of time before she has to see them. So today basically.

You're a very good friend. Flowers

voxnihili · 10/10/2018 07:10

I struggled to conceive and what have appreciated a heads up so I could process it privately - there were often tears.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2018 07:14

Face to face pregnancy announcements are absolutely awful to deal with. Don’t word it as you wanted to be sensitive so you’re telling her first. Just send a factual text about your pregnancy (and your friends).

You sound like a kind friend.

MaverickSnoopy · 10/10/2018 07:15

I would speak to pregnant friends but only to enquire "oh does x know you're pregnant". Then leave it at that. If she does then great and you can stop worrying. If she doesn't then you're going to have to decide whether to tell her. I would in this scenario but I'd also say that they aren't making it public knowledge but wanted to give her the heads up in case it's mentioned.

QuilliamCakespeare · 10/10/2018 07:31

I would give a heads up. In a similar situation (me and a friend were the pregnant ones) I text my other friend in advance so she could have a good rage, cry or whatever if she wanted to rather than feel she had to be happy for us. She was, of course, but I was very aware she'd probably be sad for herself too.

Original poster
DitzyDot · 10/10/2018 08:50

Thanks all. Just to clarify, I’m not pregnant myself, just two of my friends. If I was I would definitely just send a factual text ahead of times, but if I just send a text about friends pregnancies with no explanation then I think it will just look gossipy.

Also I’m worried that if I ask the pregnant friends if X knows and she doesn’t then I feel more like I’m betraying their trust if I tell X, rather than if I tell X without knowing for sure that they haven’t already told her. (I hope that makes sense).

It’s all so awkward and complicated.

OP posts:
Patienceisvirtuous · 10/10/2018 08:55

I would just give her the heads up, like your original plan. It’s the kindest way all round.

Ninjawannabee · 10/10/2018 09:08

Just give her the heads up. You cos phrase it in a considerate 'wanted to give you advance warning in case it shocks you' way or you could try 'looks like it'll be just us on the booze as I think x and y are pregnant'

Wording needs improving obviously!
Definitely give a heads up though. I don't see anything wrong with being honest about why you're telling her in advance, presuming she shared her own conceiving problems with your rather than you finding out by accident?

redastherose · 10/10/2018 09:20

Yes your way is the best. Let her know, better by phone rather than text imho, as you said her secret is more sensitive than the other 2 pregnant ladies as they are about to reveal that anyway.

DoveGreylove · 10/10/2018 09:31

I would tell your friend over the phone or by text before you all meet up. Having to deal with pregnancy announcements is hard and having two at once will be really hard to process in person. She WILL be shocked and it will hit her like a tonne of bricks.

Just be honest and open- tell her that they obviously would want to be the first to tell her so you know you are beating them to it, but you'd rather her know now so she can process on her own.

You're a thoughtful friend :)

Zillcat · 10/10/2018 12:11

From my experience I would want to know beforehand. A text would be better than over the phone because then I wouldn't have to reply until ready. If I was told over the phone then I wouldn't be able to respond appropriately and puts you in a more of a difficult position.

"Hi friend, I just wanted to let you know that x and y have both told me that they are pregnant. It's not common knowledge yet but with us meeting at the weekend I didn't want it to be too much of a shock for you. Ring me if you need to chat x"

PositivePeach · 10/10/2018 12:17

Zillcat's suggestion is great.

Absolutely speak with non pregnant friend over pregnant ones. Infertility and associated struggles are isolating, a vote of solidarity and support for her will go a long way.

Also agree with text over phone call. It's gives her time to get her emotions together.

You sound like a great friend.

Original poster
DitzyDot · 10/10/2018 16:22

Thanks everyone. Will send a text along the lines of Zillcat’s suggestion ASAP.

OP posts:
oooerrmissus · 10/10/2018 16:28

I have been in this situation as the non-pregnant friend following a mc.
I was given a heads up which I truly appreciated as I was able to fake being happy when told in person.
My other friends still don't know 3 years later that I already knew.
The only difference in my case is that the pregnant one knew about the mc and should have been more considerate

I would send the text.

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