Regular MN'er nc'd for a clean slate on this one. And kind of expect to be flamed although not really sure why. Well - because Mumsnet, but I digress.
I'm in a rut. Should probably caveat that I am 99% sure I'm not depressed, I am very fortunate in life and very happy almost all of the time. Gave up own job last winter to manage small family business just ahead of moving cities and just as we finished unpacking found out we were expecting DC1 (hurray) in a few months. New location, not completely unknown to me but very far from friends (always been far from fam) - not sure this is relevant but so as not to drip feed.
Very very happy and lucky with DH, who works very hard, earns a good salary - enough to feed us what we want to eat & drink, dog, cat, couple of other furries, pay the bills, soak up some culture and go abroad a couple of times a year in decent style (like - not budget but not 5*).
Problem is, I CANNOT get my act together. The office takes up maybe 60% of my former working week but from home so no commute. It's all very, probably too, easy. I don't have to get up early, so I don't; I used to thrive on a jam packed day where I did a gym class after work, saw a friend, grabbed some shopping, cooked something decent, kept on top of the housework, played with the garden and slept well - I loved routine and order, managed a full diary, I loved testing it with squashing in as much as possible and life was brilliantly full.
Now, I am very clear that I have the means and the time to go to the gym, take the dog on a gorgeous walk, nose in the shops, do a weekly shop, start my own business, write a novel - but I have day after day after day sitting doing a bit of inbox management, invoicing, talking to DM on the phone (driven by her much more than me), doing some admin for parents - I don't have to take off my trackies, have a shower, go outdoors even.
I get that the first few months of pregnancy are draining and being somewhat isolated atm will have contributed to feeling less joie de vivre than before but I know it is more than that and I am not being healthy or myself. I think every day tomorrow will be different, I'll grab it by the throat and be dynamic; achieve stuff, put the case forward etc - and I never do. I dreamt of what I would do with my time if I didn't have to "go to work" on someone else's payroll any more and I have absolutely nothing to show for it.
I know all it takes is willpower but I can't seem to find it. I feel exhausted in the morning (and did before the pregnancy, no excuse there), drag my feet to the computer with a cup of tea and then it's 6pm, dark outside and I feel ashamed. I have gone from size 8/10 to 12 borderline 14 (partly attributable to being happy, food/wine (pre-preg) and partly to total inertia), I'm not tired at night, my brain is underused and understimulated, I'm sluggish and frankly becoming a very dull girl.
DH is a darling but I am sure he must be wondering what happened to the girl he met. More than that though I am wondering what happened to her. I realise now how important having a structured day and week was to me until I gave up work and I need to get that back. Do I just need to slap myself hard here? Set the alarm clock and throw myself out of bed? Do I need to take other steps?
I realise how very very lucky I am and how tiny the violins will be, I'm sorry in a way to even post as I realise hardship does not look like this, it's my fault and I have nothing to whine about. Just wondered if the veil of anonymity would allow me to uncover any words of wisdom. Thanks in advance anyway!