Historical sexual assaults

[feelabitsilly]

I was assaulted as a child a few times between 11 and 16 and I suspect at a very young age too . I don’t want to give details exactly how . At least once involved genital contact though .

I’m finding it plays on my kind much More now , I’m a bit older and realise more now ? I’ve never discussed it in detail , been offered therapy but I can’t cope with the thought .

I need a breast exam done I think and I can’t have a doctor touch my breasts without flashbacks . Not sure how to handle .

I think I’m being silly for still being upset 15 years on more than anything

Evidently I must be , I confided in a relative earlier thinking she might be able to offer some support and she’s completely blanked what I said , ignored it . I wish I hadn’t told her now .

I don't think you're being silly OP. Regardless of how long ago it was it can have a major impact on your life still.

Besides your friend is there anyone that you have told or could speak to about it?

Sorry I read relative as friend!
Do you think she just didn't know what to say? Some people are like that and just brush over what you're saying.

My mum knows . No-one else does .

I worry I’m not remembering it right or making it up in my head sometimes . I was walking to PE at age 12 (we had to walk 15 mins through housing estates to playing fields). About 100 of us did PE at once in 3 groups . A group of 30 17 year olds and the rest of us 11-13 ish.

What I remember , was there were some of the older boys walking behind me with my male classmates laughing and daring each other to touch me between the legs as I walked. I remember they laughed each time because my bum would clench... sorry... I told a teacher and I remember she said that’s what boys do and just to laugh it off .

Then a boy grabbed my breasts and bruised them he squeezed so hard (different location).

The girls used to ‘dry hump’ me and boys too.

I was the school joke, they had songs about me , threw food at me . It was never violent it was constant daily humiliation from age 11 until age 17.

But I do think it happened at a much younger age . I did something odd at the age of 5 that I don’t want to detail online and that action makes me think I was possibly abused by someone , when I was very small . There are other factors around that , there were medical issues that I’ve since been told could be explained by abuse . The thing is I don’t remember what happened if indeed anything ever did. I’ve never told someone what I did at 5.

I hated school, and now at 27 I hate myself. I can’t interact well with peers, I always feel awkward and embarrassed and scared . I don’t know what people are going to do to me next . I avoid going out alone as much as possible and never really trust anyone .

But I thought I could trust my aunty ... and she’s ignored what I said tonight . I wish I’d never mentioned it .

Would you feel comfortable if it was a breast nurse or female GP

You were very much the victim in all the situations described

Oh OP, That all sounds awful for you!

Maybe you can't remember properly as you've tried to block it out for all these years? I don't want to come across as an armchair therapist but In my opinion holding stuff like this in for so long can cause so much more damage.
Have you ever thought about counseling?

I understand what you're saying about your auntie but don't let it put you off speaking to People about it, are you comfortable asking your mum these questions about earlier abuse?

Also like another pp suggested asking a for a female GP may do you well.

Mum and I have discussed earlier abuse possibility and she said she couldn’t say yes or no . I did mention my childminder when we were younger (I was cared for by a variety of childminders at a young age) and we were always taken to their houses ...

I don’t know what to think of it all at all . Definitely prefer a female Gp though . I’ll phone the surgery tomorrow morning and just say I want to see a female doctor instead .

But yes I agree I’ve been blocking it out .

I don't blame you for feeling that way, it's a horrid situation.

Whilst I have never been in your situation I can't pretend to know, but as A mother, daughter, sister, auntie and friend I would want to know if a relative was feeling how you do so please don't give up.

Do you have a partner? A close friend? That's only if you think talking will help you understand why you are the way you are in social settings etc.

Definitely ask for a female GP, have you spoken to a GP about your past I'm just trying to think of ways you could get help not meaning to pry.

My last Gp knows yeah . There will be a letter somewhere on my notes but not sure new GP surgery will know that .

I haven’t a partner or close friend no ... phoned a helpline tonight and they suggested I try telling the doctor though . Funny thing is I’ve been asked outright before , in medical setting ; and I can never find the words to discuss it . I have a lot of gynae problems and every time I have to see the doctor for that I feel retraumatised all over
Again.

You’re not prying don’t worry , it helps just typing it out to be honest.

Yes I think it's usual to clam up when asked, all those years of blocking it out is going to be hard to undo. I think you're doing well speaking about it, first with your auntie (even if it wasn't well received) and now on here.

It's not the same but I have struggled with MH issues and the first thing that helped me get better was actually admitting that I had it! Almost like "yeah this is me and my fucked up life here ya go"

The helpline is a good shout! Do you have any hobbies? Excercises much? Just stuff to get you out and about (believe me I know some days it's the last thing you want to do) I just feel like we can be our own worst enemies, one bad day turns into a bad week etc!

I do have some hobbies yeah, not a lot but I do have some stuff I enjoy . I took myself out for a longer walk than usual last night and I enjoyed that a lot ... I’m a student so starting a couple of groups based at the the university too . Staring Pilates next week and a self help depression group as well. It’s hard ...

I have texted my aunty a lot previously (I had a nervous breakdown over the summer) and she texted about a week ago saying my problems are ‘too full on’, she has a very busy life , family and herself come first (trightly so) and I think in other words , bugger off and deal with your own problems ,

Since then she’s ignored me pretty much .... I texted apologising and then explained today the reason I’m not coping well is because of this sort of thing ... still nothing ... I suppose she must be really very busy and just no time for it like she said. Breathing Space last night said perhaps she’s upset at what I told her , I said I highly doubt it sadly . I don’t think it should have come as a surprise , maybe it did . They said to leave her two weeks or so ; and then message again not mentioning anything I’ve said .

Thank God I can talk on here and to my mum , can you imagine if that was the only person I’d told and that was the reaction ...

I’m sorry you’ve had MH difficulties too , it isn’t easy is it .

I actually lay in bed last night and thought , if I could get everyone that’s bullied me in a room (sort of like that Nescafé advert that’s on just now) and say, why did you do it , when I never did anything wrong ? I know now that I didn’t do anything , I always always tried to make it stop but no matter what I did it , it didn’t stop until I was 18 and moved away from the area ... that’s never going to happen though, I’ve no contact with anyone from school thankfully.

Ah those hobbies and group activities sound like they will be good for you, of course you will have bad days but if youre anything like me and force yourself to go it can make you feel about better. Almost like "well that was two hours I didn't think of my life" it really does help.

Your auntie, it's difficult MH and abuse I feel is still seen as "taboo" even though it shouldn't be, some people do not know how to respond it's a shame because like you say imagine if that was the one person you could speak to! Have you been close all your life? I would message her like the helpline said in a couple of weeks about something different and go from there.

Your school friends probably wouldn't have an answer for you, people like that tend to grow into even worse adults!!

I really do hope you find your way out of this dark place, it is an awful place to be

I hope so ... my auntie replied and said she just has too much to do and can’t talk at the moment at all really . So I said why don’t we agree zero contact for a fortnight and see then . Shame as I liked her company . My classmate gave me a big hug today which helped a little bit . I’ve got the GP tomorrow too , surgery said it is a male GP and they can’t offer an apt with a female at all but said they will try to make sure a nurse can be present , or postpone any examination , so that’s reasonably OK I suppose .. I did have an OK day today at least . Just shattered !

It's nice about your class mate OP, keep an open mind it's funny who can end up being your best support!

Hopefully you and your auntie sort things it sounds like you were close and trusted her, I hope her reaction was more of a "ooooh I don't know what to say so I'll say nothing" that's quite common.

Are you going to go for the male GP with a nurse do you feel comfortable in that setting or will it trigger you?

Glad you're feeling abit better!

Just a wee update , I went to the GP who was very uninterested - said he doesn’t need to or want to examine breasts at all , I was out the door within 5 minutes. I didn’t feel at all comfortable talking about why I was worried .

However ... when I got home I learnt my university offers Rape and abuse specific counselling on a Friday accessed by texting a number .. I texted that number and I’m meeting a lady tomorrow morning for a chat after my class, which sounds like a good starting point.

Aunty and I have messaged once or twice but not really talking as much . To be honest at the moment I’m not finding myself missing her company as such ... miss the support but it was getting draining always waiting on a reply that didn’t come .

Hi feel!

That's great news about what your university offers, hopefully it can be of some support to you it doesn't seem to me like you're getting my h elsewhere!

The GP sounds terrible tbh have you thought about asking for a different one specifically to talk about why you're uncomfortable? Although the counsellor at university might have better suggestions.

Hopefully you and your auntie can rebuild again, I understand about waiting for a reply you wasn't going to get, it ends up upsetting you more!

How are you feeling in general, well I hope.

I would recommend dealing with it. I kept thinking I should get over my assault as a child - but it never went away until I dealt with it. I reported to police almost 40 years later and now finally have closure. I‘m not saying you need to report it - but I am glad you are seeing someone. I just wanted to say don’t worry about how long ago it was. It’s bothering you in your current day and that is what matters. Good luck.