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Original poster

Working parents - do you ever stop feeling guilty?

21 replies

Guilteatingmeup · 08/10/2018 10:25

God I feel like a fucking failure today.

The baby is ill but I had a meeting so she had to still go to nursery, she doesn’t take a bottle and I know would love nothing more than to just breastfeed all day but I cannot afford the time off even if it wasn’t a meeting.

My eldest has an assembly that she’s been practicing so bloody hard for and I can’t go either. I’m one of only 2 parents in her class that work and know that she’ll be the only one there without someone watching.

I was in such a rush this morning that I forgot she needed to bring a tombola thing in today so she’s gone without that too.

To top it all of, no one speaks to me at the school gates as they all know each other form various clubs/pre schools they’ve done together. It means DD never gets invited anywhere, parties, play dates etc. And I stand at the gate like a melon with conversations happening over my head!

I just feel like a complete failure and so guilty - do you ever get over this guilt?

OP posts:

Rhynswynd · 08/10/2018 10:29

Nope. You have to remind yourself why you are working and not let the guilt overwhelm you. FWIW I font work and still can not make all the school events and forget her show and tell all the time. I don't feel guilty most of the time but when I do I just apologise to dd and explain what happened and it's all good.

gunge · 08/10/2018 10:33

Well I don't work but often feel guilty about that!
Guilt, it seems, is more of a female thing. Do men feel so guilty all the time?

Missillusioned · 08/10/2018 10:36

I never feel guilty. It is pointless. Either you have good reasons not to change the situation, so no reason to feel guilty, or you can change it, so do so.
I hate this assumption that working mothers must feel guilty. Fathers never do, even when they choose jobs that involve a lot of time away from home

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BestBeforeYesterday · 08/10/2018 10:55

Are you a Single parent? If not, why did your DH not think of the tombola thing? Why is he not attending the assembly? If your DD's grandparents are on the scene, they could attend it too. I don't see why it should all be your responsibility!
I think it's normal to feel guilty some days, because there are some days when it would be better for you to stay at home, but you can't. But you definitely shouldn't be feeling guilty all the time!

LucyMorningStar · 08/10/2018 11:01

I never began feeling guilty in the first place it just has to be done in order to give my DD a certain quality of life, especially because her father could never step up and realise he's got a family to support. I love my child and I love working. My mother always worked, sometimes even two jobs at a time and I am truly grateful to her for everything she has done for me. I never felt unloved or unwanted

Original poster

Guilteatingmeup · 08/10/2018 11:33

Sorry I didn’t mean that you should be feeling guilty, just wondered when I wouldn’t!

DH works away a lot so is not here. Thank you for replies

OP posts:

Missillusioned · 08/10/2018 11:46

Does your DH feel guilty that he is working away?

If yes, then that's enough guilt for one family.

If no, then why the hell should you, as the parent who doesn't work away feel guilty?

SondheimFan · 08/10/2018 11:51

It has never occurred to me to feel guilty. Quite apart from the fact that I spent years at university earning the qualifications for the job I do, I'm providing for my child.

I’m one of only 2 parents in her class that work and know that she’ll be the only one there without someone watching.

Unless literally all but two parents in your child's class are unemployed I'm assuming you mean that you're one of only two mothers in your child's class that work. How many of the working fathers in your child's class are tormenting themselves with guilt?

user1497863568 · 09/10/2018 01:38

I don't feel guilty. I feel grateful.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/10/2018 05:31

Never occurred to me to feel guilty. If I hadn't worked full time we wouldn't have been able to support a family.

DuchessMinnie · 09/10/2018 07:08

LP here. I feel guilty all the time- I leave work on time or a bit early to give tte children the time they need and end up feeling guilty about work. I try to make every special assembly but in truth it's just not possible. Their dad does bugger all but doesn't feel an ounce of guilt.

DelurkingAJ · 09/10/2018 07:59

No guilt. A happy Mum who works is better than a miserable SAHM (and vice versa).

Sounds like the other parents are rubbish to exclude your DD. What do her friends at school say? My DS gets invitations forms his friends. He doesn’t get the extra ones from me being friends with parents but those are already drying up in Y1.

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/10/2018 08:08

I used to feel guilty all the time but less so now. I try to shorten their days where possible but the reality is that we need money to keep a roof over their heads so we don't have a choice.

Momotheathlete · 09/10/2018 08:17

I've just started back at work after mat leave and feel no guilt at all.

My mum didn't work and she let us know all the time how resentful she was of us. My own view is that staying at home with her meant we were less well socialised with other children, so growing up I struggled with things like sleepovers or long play dates. As a family there were sacrifices to let her stay at home.

Working means that I am the best mum I can be to my daughter when I see her.

SlipperyLizard · 09/10/2018 08:22

Another one here who doesn’t feel guilty, I work to provide for my children and give them the nice life they have.

I’m lucky that I have a flexible job so mostly make school events, but my kids get down when I can’t take unlimited time off during school hols.

You’ll stop feeling guilty when you accept that you don’t need to - what good is it doing you or your children?

Eminybob · 09/10/2018 08:28

I don’t feel guilty, I know that me working is giving us a standard of living we would not be able to have otherwise, holidays and a roof over our head.
I think ds going to nursery from age 1 was really good for him developmentally, and now he’s at school, breakfast and after school club are his favourite things about going! He’s going to be devastated when I start maternity leave with no2 and he doesn’t have to go any more!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 09/10/2018 08:36

I don't have children but lots of nieces and nephews. If my sisters or BILs can't get time off work to attend then I'll go to this sort of thing (sometimes go when they do too)

Is something like that an option for you? I'm very lucky in that my manager is incredibly flexible so know it's not as easy for everyone.

PeonyTruffle · 09/10/2018 09:18

I work 3 days a week and even that makes me feel horrendously guilty. DS has just started reception and I seem to be the only mum that works. My employers are reasonably flexible so if there is something at the school that i want/need to attend, they will let me make the time up on one of my days off which helps massively

But then when we can afford to go out and do lovely things at the weekend and treat him it kind of puts it in perspective for me.

CountessVonBoobs · 09/10/2018 09:22

I feel occasional twinges of guilt but I dismiss them and shrug them off. I know I'm not going to give up work or reduce my days - I've made my decisions and I don't intend to change them, so what's the point of guilt? And I remind myself that DH doesn't feel guilty, and he works more than I do.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 09/10/2018 10:06

God no. My own mother never worked and lived off benefits and it was a miserable life. You do what you do to get by. Your DC will be proud of you.

Enb76 · 09/10/2018 10:21

I don't feel guilty - my child has a bloody nice life thanks to me working. I don't get to go to all the shows and assemblies etc... but, if I know far enough in advance and it's really important to her then I'll take the occasional morning or afternoon off work to support her.

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