Apparently other children find DS annoying, should I help him change?

[Huntzberger]

DS is 6, he went to play out today and another boy said, pointing at the other children playing out "they think you're annoying". Fortunately DS didn't seem to notice (or care), played for a bit and then came in.

He's such a lovely, kind boy, but his confidence is very low and so he sometimes seems too eager to join in. The thing is, I can see this might be annoying to other children - he's quite young for his age, shouts a lot, doesn't always get the joke. He also struggles at school to make friends, which does upset him.

The idea of telling him to change his personality to make other children like him feels wrong. But I guess some children need some help fitting in? Or at least improving their social skills. If I should help, how can I do it sensitively so as not to damage his confidence?

Do you invite friends over to play one-to-one?
It can really help foster closer friendships that they then take back into school.
You can also see where he might be going wrong and talk to him about it afterwards.

All children need to learn to play well with others. If he’s struggling with this, he probably could benefit from a little help. I’ve run small group interventions in school around turn taking and social interactions for children that struggle. Have you talked to his teacher,

It isn't changing his personality, it is helping to socialise.

School might be able to help.

You can't help him get jokes but you can e.g.

• encourage less shouting
• help him understand compromise, and following others' lead

To build up his confidence you could take him to soft play areas, have friends round or even get him paying for his own items in shops, obviously giving him the money. My friend does it with her 4 year old and she loves it and has really improved her confidence

Yes, I've initiated playdates and actually he seems better one on one. Not pushy, good at sharing. But they never seem to go anywhere, when I try to invite them again the parents are very vague. So something is going wrong (maybe me).

Maybe his lack of confidence is coming across as over eager.

What do school say about how he interacts with other children?

I don't think you should see it so much as trying to 'change' his personality. More that you are helping him to reflect on how he might develop a better approach towards making friends. 6-year-olds are as fickle as British weather so I don't think you necessarily need to stage some sort of intervention.
Does he go to playdates/ do you invite other kids over? Is he for example regularly invited to his classmates' parties and that sort of thing?

x/post wrt playdates.

I didn’t mean to sound cold btw, was clearing up after bed/bath time.

It is an emotive thing to watch them struggle socially, esp if you had similar troubles at school.

The absolute best thing you can do is make him feel more confident about his abilities.

Lots of little things -friends home for 1-1 play, meet ups with just a few friends at the park/softplay, going and buying his own things at the shops (while you watch obv).

Does he do any out of school activities? Cubs etc can really help too.

Try not to worry too much. Six year olds are very changeable and forgiving.
They won’t mind if he’s annoying one day as long as he’s fine the next.

School say he's fine, but he never seems to play with the same children, I know they're fickle but lots of the other children do seem to have a friend by now. He has been invited to parties, but never invited anywhere first iyswim.

I don't want to stage an intervention, just a few gentle nudges in the right direction!

Thank you for the hints, it's very hard watching them struggle.

My 6 year old is in a similar boat, although hasn’t been told he’s annoying. He always seems on the edge of things but would like to be more involved.

I’m going to invite children more for play dates. They seem to go well but he doesn't get invited back.

My ds is one of the youngest in his year and I could have written this. I just wanted to say that time itself along with play dates, clubs etc can really help. Now four years later he has a great group of friends and mixes really well, it just took him a little longer to get his social skills going so try not to worry too much.

@parrotonmyshoulder I'm the same as you. Never reciprocated yet always asked if I can have x, y or z kid over at mine.

I think they have a nice time when they’re here! He’s just not in the ‘in crowd’ I think.

Older sister (9) isn’t playing with him much any more either. She finds him annoying, certainly, and he can be. I feel sad for him as he is very lovely!

My DS(11) left primary school in July and in his school yearbook he was voted Most Annoying Classmate!

I went up the wall with the class rep/parent who’d organised the book as they chose the questions! Surely it’s all meant to be nice and friendly? DS was heartbroken, luckily he goes to a high school separate from most of the other children from his Primary School and has made lots of great friends already.

Oh Mulberry that sounds horrid! Good to hear he's made new friends so quickly.

Yes help him to socialise. That not changing a personality but helping him get the rules of social communication.

My ds has autism. We spend a lot of time discussing how listening and actually listening are 2 different things! About how you actually need to take on board what someone's saying and respond appropriately rather than just labouring your own point!

But yes, I tell my ds his behaviour is rude or annoying. Not nastily but I've told him if he wants people to stop moaning at him or calling him annoying he needs to learn how not to be. And that is learning how to make sure everyone is heard and valued. Then people will treat him the same way.

He's finally found a great group of a few boys at school and has real friends for the first time ever.

He's still autistic and still doesn't communicate well but people respect him at least making the effort!

Yes to helping him socialise better.

However, I'm not convinced that you should take this child's announcement at face value. Just because he said what he said, it doesn't make it true. Kids can say mean stuff out of nowhere and maybe he is the kid who the other kids find annoying and he's trying to deflect.

There are rules of socializing and over the years I have sat and discussed/role played social situations with my kids. I've not directly corrected them but I've said a lot of "If I was you..." "I saw this situation happen and ..." Sometimes you see social situations on TV programmes and movies where you can plant tips into their subconscious like "I wouldn't listen to a person who spoke so loudly"

Don't forget that nobody is liked by everybody and remember the positive qualities that your son has.

Sounds like the boy who was rude to your son needs help with his social skills and the parent who wrote the yearbook question about being annoying does too. Jeez!

Thanks, I quite like the idea of the rules of social communication - I think that's what he's missing and he does like rules so that should appeal!

If you think there is a general trend of your child struggling with social skills, and not just this one incident, I would consider it worth exploring with school, just as you would if you felt he was struggling with maths or literacy. Schools sometimes select children for a group to have specific "lessons" in social skills, so it's maybe worth asking your son's school if they do this - and if they don't, ask them to set something up. They should really, since this is quite common even in mainstream schools, especially with more and more children with autism or other social communication disorders in mainstream.

Clunky social communication can have a really hard impact on children, particularly if they don't pick them up quickly, so it's worth helping them to improve. It's never wasted effort.

Could he join a club for a hobby he is interested in? It might help to have common ground and to see the same people regularly