How do you help someone who asks for help but gets annoyed when you give it?

[youarenotkiddingme]

Can't be specific as don't want to put myself or posts someone else's personal details online.

I have a friend. Been very close for 12 years but she's pulled away recently.

She has 2 children who have always been 'difficult' but I know that's because of lack of boundaries and homelife as been difficult. My friend never admitted things at home but I knew and always supported and met things go because I knew she needed love and support not judging.

Her children never get held account for anything. They are always tired or hungry or thirsty or it's someone else's fault or everyone else is lying as her kids tell a different version.

As they hit teenage stage they've both had issues at school. School have ask her to get them help but she never actually follows through. Again it's always school picking on her children etc.

We've had moments where she's accepted her child is in the wrong but only when I've been able to lightheartedly point it out. Things like "X for a detention today for being late to school. She was on her way but .....". And I just laugh and say "teenage lesson. Being on time trumps their desire for social life and waiting for friends. Oh well. She's a sensible kid and I'm sure she won't do it again".

Things have been getting increasingly difficult and she's pulled further away (I know she's struggling).

I get texts telling me of the latest incident involving her kids or a phone call but even if she asks for my ideas (I simply say "in this situation I would....."). She sounds like she'll follow though but then doesn't. She almost seems proud of herself for not following through and has all her excuses ready.
I always say you don't have to explain yourself you make the right decision for you.

But what I'm finding now is I feel like she only contacts me to tell me her latest drama and I can see things deteriorating and I can do nothing to stop it or help and it's horrible.

I'm wondering if I should just reply "oh no that sounds tough" or something and if asked say I have no ideas of what to do or what I'd do? I don't want to walk way as I know from her her kids swear at her, emotionally and physically abuse her and I think she needs a friend when she's ready to move forward.

Give tea and sympathy rather than advice. She probably wants to hear that there's nothing she can do.

The "oh that sounds tough" sounds good to me. If she asks for ideas, maybe reflect it back to her "what are your options?" "what are you thinking of doing?" etc

Will she ever move forward though? I think this friend will constantly drain you tbh. As kids get older, their problems will get more serious. I would be withdrawing gradually.

Thing is she asks what I think she should do.

I tell her her choices are up to her but I'd do xxxxxx. Then I hear back things are worse and it turns out she hasn't tried to improve it.

Yes it feels like a drain. But when we finally have time together we have such a great time and a laugh. But she's lost her way and herself and I can't reach someone who doesn't want to be reached and will cling or push when they chose. The past few years it's never really been about me (even when I've needed it to be iyswim?).

I find it so hard though to hear about it knowing it'll get worse and worse and I can't change it. How did I deal with those feelings?

You either need to be able to detach or reduce contact time.

You have to try to accept that she will continue to make terrible decisions and you can't rescue her from herself.

Seeing as you say she wasn't there for you when you needed her support I'd say it is time to cool the friendship.

If she asks for advice you can refuse "I can't begin to think what I would do." Or "god, no idea, what do you think?"

She is not asking for your advice because she values it or she would have followed some of it. Back away slowly.

Cotton that makes sense. It's not that she wasn't there but more she seems to expect more from me than she'll give back iyswim?

I do think i need to accept I can't rescue for from herself (never though if it like that but that's a spot on conclusion).

I can't stop her destroying herself by I can do something about how I let it affect me. Won't be easy but I have to protect myself because I spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about her yet she goes radio silence on me

It sounds like she will ignore your well meant advice anyway so I would just stick to saying how tough the situation is and leave it at that. People who complain all the time rarely want solutions they want sympathy.

Oh I have a friend like this OP. We go round and round in circles about the same issues and I struggle to bite my tongue now. I don’t mind someone just off loading, but it’s when they ask what they should do and they don’t do it then I fell they really shouldn’t keep asking

Maybe your friendship has run its course OP, you say ' she's pulled away recently', so let her.

I stopped making arrangements about a year ago. I was fed up of being let down.
O think that's why we drifted because it seems it was mostly me doing the suggesting - she tended to do hinting.

It was things like - her ringing me over latest issue with a DC. Telling me wasn't giving them money and not ferrying them around that weekend. I'd sympathise for bad week or whatever and then invite her round for coffee to get out of the house as tension there.
About 10 minutes before she would be due I'd get a text telling me sorry she can't come, she's spent all morning running kids here and there and now has to go and collect them, promised them they can go to KFC or whatever and then they have friends round for night.

It almost seemed like she was gloating or trying to gain a reaction by deliberately detailing all she did after saying she wasn't going to (which she had good reason not to).

So I stopped inviting. I decided I wasn't going to be a pawn in someone's game. Plus I found it too hard to know she was once again putting herself so low down in the pecking order and having no respect for herself.