I’m writing because I suppose it’s the best way for me to say what I feel without anyone that I have to see everyday asking me how things are.
My life looks lovely. If I stand on the outside of it and look at it, it does. I have a good job, my partner does too, we have two beautiful children, a nice house, even our dog is perfect. But I’m crumbling. I’m so unhappy and I fear saying this because anyone who doesn’t live here will think I’m ungrateful.
I work full time and so does he which sends us out of kilter when I’m comes to juggling everyday life.
I live in an unhappy house, but if you didn’t live with me you’d see something else. My partner is constantly angry and shouts a lot and I dread being in my home. Every small thing that normal people may find like a small drama, to him is huge. I dread my children spilling a drink, talking too loudly, if I need him to get something extra on his trip to the supermarket, there not being a towel in the cupboard because they’re still in the laundry room, if anything in our house stops working or if I make an every day mistake. It’s made me turn into an anxious person who feels her chest tightening at the smallest thing. He and I have certainly had our ups and downs and I have lost a lot of respect for him. A couple of years ago, whilst away with work, he paid a prostitute for oral sex. This might shock you, but honestly, I’m over it, it’s minor compared to the day to day walking on egg shells that I am going though. I don’t need suggestions, i just need to vent without fear of offloading onto people I know. I take antidepressants to try to cope with my feelings and numb it all away. I’m just so sad. I keep wondering whether this is just normal? Growing up, I didn’t witness a stable relationship or a genuinely happy home so I just wonder whether I’m expecting too much and if this is just the way things are?