Four year old resistant to everything

[LittleHootie]

Name change.

I'm a single mum to 4yo son. I'm becoming worn down by his resistance to doing anything. Doesn't want to go to birthday parties, have people visit, mostly doesn't want to go to parks etc (unless ice cream promised).

It's totally wearing me down. I need to get out of the house. I need to see people. I can drag him out but it's a miserable time all round.

At home with just the two of us he's pretty happy. Plays with his toys, creates a huge mess, meanwhile I sit drinking cups of tea going out of my mind with boredom.

He goes to nursery and seems to get on ok there. In fact they say his behaviour is good and they wish they had a room of children like him. Maybe they just mean he is quiet.

He is loving and bright. This is my only concern. I don't want him to not experience new things and create a small world for himself.

Me and his dad split when he was 18 months and I worry that upset and disruption has made him a homebody.

Has anyone experienced this? Does it change? Should I do something??

Bumping in case daytime crowd can help

He's 4, dont give him a choice, he needs to accept that every day you do something out of the house. You really DO know what is best for him .

No choice. Otherwise he'll grow up thinking he can tell you where you go and what you do.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to go? My son is quite anxious if he doesn't know what will happen, if he thinks there will be too much noise or if he doesn't know if there will be a loo there(!), just as examples.

Dd was (and to some extent still is) a home bird. In the end it was a case of ‘we have to do X, and when we get back you can do Y’. I’d find things that I knew once she was there she would engage in them and really built up what s great time we were having so that when we were on another situation I could gently remind her what a good time we’d had when she hadn’t been keen before.
It took a while and we ended up with a list of favourite places that we could build on, but even having a few alternatives was better than none until we could build on it.
When it was a totally new place I’d talk about what was there and what we could do so it wouldn’t be totally unfamiliar to her, and probably came across as a bit helecopter parent but it was needed to build her up.
Good luck - you need to get out for you too,

Does he have plenty of warning. Some children don't like sudden change or decisions. Even get a chart and stick up a picture of park/ library ..whatever is on.
Then l'm afraid its not his decision. Just go. Otherwise you have years of torture ahead. Be kind saying..Oh l know you want to play lego but Mum is going to the park now and you need to come. Keep saying it but GO.
You need it for your mental health and that in turn is important for him.
Now after all that if he has just started school l would not bring him out in the afternoons as he will be wrecked.He will need winding down time having used all his good behaviour in school. So weekends only. If you are at home in the mornings meet a friend/ go for a run etc so not stuck in the house all day.

Thanks everyone. I think I do have to try being firmer and see if that works. It could just be a control thing, so I have to take a lead.

I guess my real difficult moments are at parties etc where I can't just insist he enjoys it. I don't want to spoil it for others by having an upset child there, and it kind of defeats the purpose of a party if you are forced to stay despite hating it.

I'm always torn about advance notice of activities cos I sometimes find there's a build up of resistance every day until the actual event. So it just multiplies the "pain"

I'll definitely do less negotiation and see how that goes. I didn't take no for an answer for shower tonight and carried him in with me - he was upset but calmed down quickly and is at least clean.

That book ..how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk..might be a help as he gets older.

My 4 yo sometimes seems more resistant to things if we give her a choice - it's like the default answer is always no. If we just tell her in breezy tones that it's the park / a visit to someone / spaghetti for tea / whatever, she copes. It's like the responsibility for choosing stresses her out. Be the grownup, not to be tough but to take the pressure off him.

And stop beating yourself up about the split. It's not that, it's his age and personality plus maybe some habits you've got into together.

Dd could be horrible aged 4. I had to be really firm about boundaries and give restricted choices (flavour of juice, not where we went, for example) and a few years on, it's paid off.

Hard bloody work at the time though. Everything was a battle.