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Original poster

Need some advices about my daughter

22 replies

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 20:23

Hi everyone. Need advices , dont know what to do about my eldest DD anymore.
Shes 11.
Loves animals, is kind to her baby brother, loves arts, sport etc.
But!
Only has very few close friends, which would be fine, problem is everyone is "annoying".
Can have some bullying behaviour (ehich is dealt with and explained etc straight away so has never become a problem luckly)
Can be very annoyed/unkind toward her younger brother(few years older), going as far as telling baby brother to call him names etc.
There used to be up and downs between the two of them but lately is all down it seems
Doesnt seem to have much empathy in general (unless is towards animals).
Today for example she throw a wooden block toward(not to apparently) her younger brother as he "wouldnt shut up", then baby copied and hit him on face.
Behaviour is very bad, talking bad, not listening etc, once in a while will have an amaxing week then we ll pay for it with days and days of oppositional behavior.
Help

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Original poster

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 20:42

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Original poster

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 20:42

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Original poster

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 20:52

Anyone? Is this the wring topic?

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Aprilislonggone · 05/10/2018 20:56

My dd is 11 and bloody awful at times!! A few early nights sorts her right out!

Original poster

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 20:57

Unfortunately thats not one off behavior, its been a few months.i get really down at her lack of kindness , its not smt i can just put down to hormones

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Aprilislonggone · 05/10/2018 21:05

Have you actually told her they will grow up not liking her?? Is there incentives to being the oldest? Time to do girl's stuff with you? Nails /face packs /hair?
Film night with them sat apart being calm and unable to fight /hit?
Could you put her in charge of bedtime story duty for the little one? A bit of responsibility towards him?

Original poster

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 21:20

She s very very good with toddler.
Other one she says its annoying so wouldnt care if i told her he wont like her when grown up.
Reward her for good behaviour with one on one time at shopping centre and behaviour back to normal next day ☹
We do spend time talking sewing etc but doesnt change anything.
Even watching movie together we end up having to separate them.
How do i foster empathy and kindness?
Seriously feel like we ve failed and like crying .
For today i made her have dinner by herself as i didnt want her with us at dinner table i was so angry

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Original poster

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 21:35

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Original poster

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 22:01

No one has a suggestion?

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DewDropsonKittens · 05/10/2018 22:09

Do you place expectations on her to care for her siblings?

Fattymcfaterson · 05/10/2018 22:12

Is he annoying her though? Yes she shouldn't react in that way but if he is genuinely winding her up and you're not noticing then I can see wjy

Original poster

Needadvices · 05/10/2018 22:21

Dewdropson no i care for the kids. She only needs not to hit/shout at her sibilings, this the level of care i want .
Fattymc he can be annoying at times. But its mostly him playing loudly, or singing etc. Many time she will come out of her room and shout at him(in his room!)for being annoying. When he does wind her up on porpouse is of course disciplined/told off.

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Original poster

Needadvices · 06/10/2018 09:08

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Badwifey · 06/10/2018 09:17

Could she herself be being bullied in school?
Could there be something else that has triggered the behaviour (periods, dead beat dad, moved home, a fall out with a best friend, poor grades in school, a pet death) all of these issues would be tough to deal with.
Does she play violent computer games?
Maybe the brother is more annoying than you think... Maybe she has sensory issues and the hyperactivity and noise really get to her.

Original poster

Needadvices · 06/10/2018 11:42

No computer games at all, only childrens netfilx .
Nothing else wrong, father is home and present, not moved for years,pet is fine,no periods yet.
O ly thing that rings true is could have some sensory issues (find school very noisy and needs time alone as soon as shes back). But even then i cant really allow younger child to be bullied in his own home. What can i do

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middleeasternpromise · 06/10/2018 12:02

Have you been able to have a conversation with her about this at a level she can engage with? To do this you need to be able to be specific about what you see as a difficulty and listen to what she says about the situation and listen out for other things that she brings into the conversation. From your description there seems to be a lot of behaviour that could be frustration, sensory overload, low stress tolerance. Animals don;t talk back and can be soothing if they are responsive and remain available to a child.

Badwifey · 06/10/2018 12:11

Could she be feeling a bit unimportant? You have a boisterous younger son and a toddler. She may be feeling like she's not getting any attention and acting out in order to receive some attention, even if it is negative. Could you try organise some time alone with her once a week for a couple of hours to see if her behaviour improves? 11 is such an awkward age I think. She may be just feeling a little lost.

Bingolingo · 06/10/2018 12:17

Has she just started secondary? My 11 year old has had similar periods of behaviour. It seems to come and go as she develops and is also linked to how friendships are going in school.

What helps for us is enough sleep, enough exercise and time with me 1 on 1. I have two younger kids also so the last one is especially important.

upsideup · 06/10/2018 12:31

How is she punished when she acts like that? Does she have her own room/space to get away?
11 year old dd has 9 and 5 year old little brothers who can be very annoying sometimes but she just ignores or walks away, if they are directly bothering her then she would come to me.

Original poster

Needadvices · 06/10/2018 18:30

She is sent away, yes has her room, or tv taken away. Says all the right things but goes back and do it again soon after

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Aprilislonggone · 06/10/2018 21:31

Imo/e sending dc to their room achieves nothing. My dc are given chores that we do together /work together (2 dd's =nightmare).

anniehm · 06/10/2018 21:54

It probably just is the beginning of puberty - those hormones do make girls especially turn into little madams (not all, I'm generalising). It is worth talking to school to see if there's any issues there, is she being bullied, or teased? Then you need to work out a strategy which rewards the behaviour you expect, so (not claiming we were 100% successful but it sort of worked) set new rules, including chores, responsibilities and homework requirements, perhaps some are helping out with the younger ones, eg reading to them, then in return pocket money, clothing allowance, special "grown up" treats just for the two of you - as well as a carrot for behaviour, it gives you dedicated time to talk through her worries, fears, about growing up/body changes etc. Jekyll & Hyde behaviour is so common, please try not worry too much, yes you need to get to grips with it but you aren't alone

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