What do you think your children are like at school?

[HarrySnotter]

A friend of mine used to be a TA and she used to say that people have no idea what their children are like at school and often refuse to believe they have believed in a certain way.

I've been volunteering in a school recently and am gobsmacked at how rude some of the children are to staff. Not to me as I'm kind of on the outside of it all, but I am genuinely taken aback by some of the behaviour of the children, many of whom I have known for years and know their parents. Constant backchat, sneering, general rudeness, ignoring requests to work etc. The staff follow the behaviour policy and sanctions are given but I don't get where this all comes from. If I had spoken to a teacher or anyone else in my school like that I would have had my arse handed back to me on a plate. I just wouldn't have done it.

Made me worry what the hell my own are like at school.

DS1 & DS3 (secondary): quiet & focused. DS3 silly with mates. Impulsive.
DD & DS2: bossy boots! Exhuberant.

Didn’t you say anything philomena
?

Strategies at school and home are never going to be the same and shouldn’t be IMO.

What, about the teacher without control woodenfences? No, she's moved on to pastures new, and I wasn't sure how to put it.

"Mr HT, Miss X who teaches year 5 on Thursdays and Fridays is patronising, treats 9 and 10 year olds as if they were in nursery, and has no control."

The thing was, I was surprised at DD's behaviour, as this teacher took them for topic, which was DD's favourite subject.

@WipsGlitter same here. I have a very confident DC at home who's very mature and contributes a lot.
He is also like this with complete strangers!
But with the teachers he has always been very quiet and a bit nervous. I am so at this! It just doesn't make sense and I don't really know how to help.

At school he is reported to be polite, enthusiastic and engaging. At home he is sarcastic, lazy and thoroughly cheeky

No, to your DD!

Mines at preschool according to the teachers he’s a model citizen just with a lot of questions. At home he spends most of his time dragging toilet roll around the house like the Andrex puppy

Me neither @House4

I've been told pretty much the same thing the whole time he's been at school.

Ds has just started reception. I have a pretty good idea about how he is at school as I have spoken to his teacher and TA at length, as he has had a couple of behavioural issues. So I know that he occasionally flies off in a rage, refuses to do as told and has strops that can take a while for him to come down from. But 90% of the time he is polite, chatty, kind, helpful and clever. He loves learning and is doing really well at the academic stuff. (We are working on the other stuff)
But I also know that some of the other mums have absolutely no idea what is going on, we had first parents evening this week and it will likely be the first time they have spoke to the teacher about their child.

Mine is in Year 1 so still at the "desperate to please the teacher and get a good behaviour sticker" stage.

As a child I was very shy, well behaved and reserved. DS is a lot more outgoing and popular than I was. Time will tell!

Mine are both much better behaved in school than at home, assuming the teachers are telling me the truth at parent teacher interviews. (And I don't see why they wouldn't be...).

Thinking back to what I was like at school, I was always terrified of being told off by teachers but much more likely to answer back to my parents.

As I said woodenfences, I gave her a lecture that evening. I told her off about 20 times on the trip, but it didn't sink in. The whole class were doing it, it was horrible to watch. When we got home, I explained to DD that when you spot a weakness in someone, you don't exploit it. I don't think she even realised what she was doing. She's very bright, but not very emotionally intelligent.

I expect that my children are no angels and would behave in ways that would surprise me.

I also think that they are not outrageously behaved as school as only ever commented that they are polite and I've never heard code words from staff. I would like to think that I would be open (albeit upset and disappointed) to learn that my children were misbehaving.

I teach secondary and most children are absolutely fine. From what I gather from parents most kids behave better at school than at home. If they forget themselves we remind them of what we expect and what makes for a mutually respectful atmosphere. Generally speaking that works fine.

Some years ago I made a resolution never to say or do anything with a class that i wouldn’t be comfortable doing with their parents in the room. It was when I caught myself being a bit sarcastic and caustic. Not pleasant and totally unhelpful. That shift made a huge difference though. I once asked a class if they would treat me the same way if my mum and dad were in the room. Once girl actually gasped and covered her mouth in horror.

I know my dd can be a bit of a bossy madam with friends but has developed a bit of performance anxiety with her teacher. I worry about her a bit to be honest

I've had various reports o we the what's that have always made me realise a teachers report of your child's behaviour can also just be their opinion.

My sons no angel but is extremely anxious and eager to please and petrified of being told off. His friends and 99% of teachers praise him.

I don't see the perfect angel they describe but know he wouldn't ever deliberately do anything wrong.

But he's autistic. I've had some teachers describe him as the worst behaved child EVER and completely lay into him. It's always amazed me - not because I don't believe he can be a shit at times - but because at secondary he has 10 teachers a week and only 1 ever says this per year. (Touch wood none yet this year 😂). And in latest case his HOU even said that he just doesn't believe it. In infants he has deputy as class teacher and so 1.5 days a week he had a different teacher. Deputy described him as type of child you forget is there and she has to remind herself to give him attention and her counterpart described him as an absolute PITA who disrupts a whole class and pretty much hated him.
Deputy head told me that was bollocks!

to be honest, this is not a kid issue, it is a school issue.

I have kids aged 15 and 13, and if they were cheeky/rude etc to teachers, the school would come down like a ton of bricks.

and ignoring requests to work would lead to bahviour sanctions. being rude/back chat teacher? behavour sanctions.

They are in different schools, and both schools have high expectations of behaviour, respect, manners etc.
I think in the case of both schools most of the teens behave better at school than at home.

There was a local secondary that we nearly used, and one parent I know became very unhappy with it. This sort of low level disruption/behaviour was one of her concerns. The head changed, and it was the first thing he dealt with.

I once asked a class if they would treat me the same way if my mum and dad were in the room. Once girl actually gasped and covered her mouth in horror.

when ds is being less than an angel at home, I have often asked him - would you speak to your teacher like that? His reply was always a shocked No!

and ignoring requests to work would lead to bahviour sanctions. being rude/back chat teacher? behavour sanctions.

I did say in my OP that this does happen. To be honest it doesn't to seem to make much of a difference in the school I've been in. There's a lot of 'my mum says you can't do anything' kind of comments from these kids. If be mortified if mine were like that.

There's a lot of 'my mum says you can't do anything' kind of comments from these kids.

Wow, I am 99% certain that that would not be tolerated.
I still think it is a school issue.

NOt so much on an individual sanction by sanction basis (although they would) but on a genuine building of respect basis.

I used to work in a primary school. It was in a very tough area. The old head was amazing, every child mattered, every child was respected, the atmosphere in the school was very good. Small things like the kids coming up to you would say - Excuse me Miss, may I ....
She left and new head came. She didn't do all the 1001 small things that maintained that level of respect for each other, and slower but surely it slipped. Playground behaviour went first, then general moving round the school, then assemblies, then classroom behaviour.
None of it was massive, it was subtle, but it ended up very like what you are describing. It was only in retrospect that I could see all the things she did. School pride, community pride, high high expectations.

Harrysnotter I’m a lunchtime supervisor in a comprehensive in a deprived Northern area so I see some of the worst behaviour as badly behaved children split from their friends are back together for their lunch and yes I completely agree with you but it’s probably only 25% of the school population that dump or throw their food, bully others, cause fights, are back chatty or generally far too boisterous but that 25% obvs take up 100% of my time

Sorry and yes it’s also an area where those children parents will support their child rather than the teacher

Schools are onto a total loser if the idea that kids are untouchable catches on. You do sometimes find schools where relationships and trust have broken down and it becomes a total them and us situation. I think a change of leadership is usually needed to change that.

I do sometimes come across parents who expect other people’s children to be practically whipped but their own children are exempt.

Parents can be both supportive of their children and of the school. I know that sounds obvious but I meet loads of parents who find that balance really hard

Every so often I thank the finance fairies that made it possible for our school to have CCTV. Nothing makes a parent back down
quicker from "My darling wouldn't do that" than being shown their darling doing exactly that on film!

We had one horrible incident where a child claimed the HT had grabbed and pulled her. Parents came to school absolutely raging (as you would be), the child was very believable, didn't swerve from her story and parents were "My child never lies"

They were mortified when I showed them what had actually happened, and to their credit made a point of apologising loudly and publicly so there was no doubt or 'no smoke without fire' whispers going round.

I think my DD Y7 is an angel at school and saves all the utter shite for me. Best that way though right?

I don't think I'm deluded either I always get great comments from her teachers about what a nice child she is etc.

Ds Y2 I am sure is a completely different story! (Not in an outrageous way, just in a not listening & distracted way).

DS1 is quiet... for now. He’ll come out of himself soon and be an arse - because he is. He’s year 7. He’s generally polite though and would hold a door etc.

DS2 is a bit of a chatterbox and joker but in a ‘nice’ way according to those who work with him. He’s very hard working, but not particularly high achieving, and has a nice group of friends. Never been in proper trouble.

DS3 has SEN and was challenging last year, but I strongly believe that was down to the wrong teacher. He was brilliant in his first year and his current teacher told me she loves having him in her class this week. She and his 1:1 are fucking brilliant and I love them a bit! He’s a good kid generally and also very polite I’m told.

DD is an angel! Works hard, wants to learn constantly. Kind, helpful, will volunteer answers but isn’t ‘that’ know it all. She’s truly a delight - home and school. She’s only 4 though so will change I’m sure.