How do I get DS to start taking more care of his kit and appearance?!

[OnceUponATimeInAmerica]

DS8 is the scruffiest child! He goes to a school where he has to wear blazer and tie. He is forever losing them, so we own about 6 ties in the hope that at least one is around in the morning. His blazer hasn't been seen since Tuesday and is in a perpetually screwed up mess. He has gone to school this morning with toothpaste down his clean trousers, shirt hanging out, hair uncombed etc. Every week he loses at least one item of PE kit and/or acquires someone else's. When he gets undressed, he just drops clothes where he removes them, so everything is always chaotic.

I have tried reward charts, reminders, screen time bans, check lists, being kind, being cross etc. I make him go and tidy his room himself and try to get him to take responsibility, but I can't be there when he changes at school. He just laughs and finds the whole thing funny. He has no pride in his appearance and gives no shits about the lost kit.

There are no SNs, this is a very bright, very capable child. It is not dyspraxia. His older brother is dyspraxic and very, very organized as a coping strategy. This is just a can't be bothered attitude.

I don't buy 'only 8'. None of his classmates are this disorganised. And yes, there are bigger issues in the world today, but this is the one that is frustrating me this morning!

Any ideas gratefully received.

What is the opinion of the school? Do they issue a punishment?

Does he have to pay anything towards new items?

What do you do when he laughs?

I'd be tempted to say if he loses anything between now and Xmas then the replacement will be one of his presents.

The school are trying to support. He has random kit checks to see if he has all his stuff and gets rewards if nothing is missing and detentions if it things are not there. We agreed that he would keep his blazer on his peg during the school day (he was taking it off round school because he was too hot) which they are ok with, and seemed to be helping. But he had photos on Tuesday and has no idea where he left if after!

He had new ties for Christmas last year because this was happening so much.

He happily offers up his own money to pay for lost things, but he is 8. Any money he has has come from me anyway and I am not prepared to keep replacing things.

I have told him many times how much it frustrates me. And that I find his laughing disrespectful and rude.

That's difficult. I'm not sure I can help.

It does get better
At 8 DS haemorrhaged items wherever he went, and no amount of cajoling, punishment or gnashing of teeth made the slightest difference.
At 14 he only lost one guitar and one PE kit last year, enough to make most parents weep but a positive light at the end of the tunnel for us.
We've requested money to buy replacements and have cancelled trips etc as he has the incorrect kit. At 8 these things didn't mean a lot, as times gone by they have become more meaningful.
I feel your pain though OP

It's his age, partly. That and the consequences aren't 'real' - my DS wouldn't have cared about giving up his pocket money aged 8 (because really, what did he need?) but now age 13 he uses it for things he really wants.

I'd break it down into chunks. Pick one thing - ties probably - and really reward that. There must be something he really, really wants - make it conditional on still having 3 (?) ties to his name by the end of the term. Work with him to sort strategies but only focus on the tie - let everything else go.

I make him check his kit every day before we leave school. But the blazer this week, we thought his must have gone home with another child because that child's was still there. So I let him off with not finding it and 3 days later it is still missing.

You are right, he doesn't care about giving up money, it isn't real. And he's not that fussed about a screen ban, he just reads a book instead (which is obviously great!)

A lot of the time, it is as if his mind is just on other things. I can tell him to pick up his stuff from wherever it has been dropped, so he does, only to drop it 2 feet away instead. He is easily distracted, yet constantly comes up with incredible questions and thinks deeply about life and the universe type issues. It seems like being tidy and organised is irrelevant in his little world!

OMG you have a clone of two of my cousins, not much common sense but now have a PhD each.

OK my mind is doing crazy things. What about a shopping basket that he has to have on him at all times. So getting changed at school everything goes in the shopping basket. He takes his blazer off - it goes in the shopping basket.

There are two issues here.

1. Tidiness. Some people (often creative thinkers) are untidy or don't really care what they look like. That's ok most of the time. He's not in the army!
2. Disorganisation. If he loses stuff then he needs to pay for it!

Trouble is, both DH and I were in the Army! Unpolished shoes, untidy hair, crumpled clothes are all a complete anathema. I am not expecting perfection, far from it, but things like smeared toothpaste and wiping hands on trousers after meals are just revolting!

I hear what you say about getting him to pay, but what with? That means having to give him sufficient money to be able to pay. So, it is still my money anyway.

Finally tracked down the blazer this evening, by going through his timetable for the day and then going to all locations where he had had lessons on Tuesday. I had tried to explain to him to do this, but he just couldn't grasp the concept of retracing his steps.

Sorry, but has he been assessed by an ed psych?