How to deal with anniversary disappointment

[LuckyAmy1986]

I want to know how to deal with the disappointment of DH not bothering with anniversary card/gift without getting myself all upset. I don't want to spend the next few days feeling utterly miserable so how can I just, get over it? I just want to not care about it, if that makes sense. I know everyone does things differently but I suffer from depression anyway and I don't want it to take me down that hole! It's not about him, it's about me, I don't want to suffer at all because I have had enough of that. Does any of this make sense?!

It's tomorrow and I am pretty sure nothing is coming my way and I want to be prepared for that. We are doing something tomorrow but it was all planned and booked by me. I don't know how we got onto it but at the weekend it was raised and he said he hadn't got me anything because apparently I said not to. I thought I had said let's just get each other something small. I was upset at this because we haven't spent much time together lately and he knows I have been down. There was a bit of an argument and he said I am always 'want, want, want' SO not true! We don't have much spare cash so I never buy anything for myself, we haven't been on hliday for ages, barely ever eat out or have days out etc. anywayso he was going to go out to get something and said he had had something in mind. Anyway something happened with the kids and he didn't end up going. Since then he has been working abroad and v busy and today is ill so I don't see how he would have got the time to get anything. Plus earlier I said shall i cancel tomorrow, because he's not feeling well and he said what's tomorrow?... Oh no, I should feel better by then. So I think it's just not in his mind.

This isn't about him though and how to not be pissed off at him. I just don't want MYSELF to suffer and be down about it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks if you got this far!

My DH did something similar for our 20th; he bigged it up all year, trip away, somewhere fancy, blah blah. But then did nothing. Squat. I realised 3 weeks beforehand that there were no babysitters arranged and no trip booked. We had a huge row, where oddly he managed to present himself as the injured party. It was utterly miserable for about a month until we'd got passed the big day and I started to cheer up again. But he did redeem himself about 18 months later when he did finally organise a trip away.
So sorry I've no advice - just commiserations and flowers from me instead.

Head it off. Phone him to let him know a card is cheap and a heartfelt message free and you think both of those are a must for an anniversary. If he can’t do that then tomorrow you will cancel it.

Better before than after! I learnt the hard way...

Could you get one of your DC to ask what he has got you as a way to remind him? Or ask your DM to phone?
Or could you organise a night out with your friends instead and leave him to it at home?

Thanks for the replies. Dc are too young to ask I think although I could try. Dm not around, no one who could ask him really. And I don’t have friends round here who could just go out, not short notice anyway. Thing is he IS aware that I would be upset!!! So reminding him again would just annoy me more. It’s the fact I am going to have to be miserable that sucks. Sounds petty but I go all out for his bday etc and that’s coming up soon. If there is nothing from him tomorrow then there won’t be anything from me on his bday! Or is that just twatty?!

It is a bit twatty yes, but perfectly understandable.

We celebrate when we met and our wedding anniversary. We each take care of the plans for one!! We got married on my birthday so makes things easier for dh!!
He wouldn't dare mess up!!

Stop making a fuss about nothing. It's your wedding anniversary tomorrow, so what? You've planned something, he's not well. Big deal.

He presumably is OK in other ways or you wouldn't stay with him.

I think you need to head it off too and discuss it with him.
The question is why he doesn’t want to make you happy - you have to say it’s importsnt to you and he should respect that.
If that doesn’t produce results buy yourself some flowers!
What have you got for him tomorrow? Are you still going to give it? I would - guilt trip him into reciprocating.

*Stop making a fuss about nothing. It's your wedding anniversary tomorrow, so what? You've planned something, he's not well. Big deal.

He presumably is OK in other ways or you wouldn't stay with him.*

I'm not making a fuss, I don't want to make a fuss. Hence me wanting advice on how to just not care or be miserable or react badly?!

Head it off today.

I bought him something small, well a couple of little bits. I guess I will just give it to him in the morning. If I say something to him tonight though, there isn't much that can be done, I mean he can't go off out to the shops, plus that would feel very forced IYSWIM! He definitely knows this kind of thing is important to me, it's not that he would think I wouldn't be bothered. Sigh!

Unfortunately, you can't turn off your feelings, and if you are upset, then you are.
Can you try thinking of it as just another day, and maybe do something another time?

Just remind him - you'll feel better if you do that than getting upset tomorrow if he hasn't got you anything. Honestly.

I have been in your position often - been married for 35 years - and we've had more rows over our anniversary than anything else!

I am learning to manage my expectations. He and I have very different views - neither of us is right or wrong - just very different. I would like tangible proof that he has thought about it - even a bunch of flowers from the supermarket would be lovely. For him it is all about what we do together that day. For instance I could spend £ 100's on a gift for him but if I suggested that we went out for dinner with the kids he would be disappointed.

For the past few years he has arranged to have the week off work for our anniversary and we do something together during the day. That is enough for me because it has taken effort and planning to arrange his holiday and I know that our time together will be his number 1 priority. This year the weather was horrible and we were not really well off so we went out and bought a picnic, came home and curled up on the sofa for a film marathon, just the two of us. It felt so naughty to be watching a movie at 11 a.m.!

But that is no help for tomorrow! I do get how you feel. I don't know what to suggest other than I understand completely. I have no doubt that my husband loves me and wants to celebrate our anniversary but what matters to him is not what matters to me. But I think because I can articulate it I can also see that his intention is to show he loves me. So I just go with the flow now.

Please don't be unhappy tomorrow - remember he loves you and that's why he married you.

It isn’t twatty to reciprocate- it would be twatty of him to not bother for you and then get upset if you don’t turn around and make him feel loved on his birthday. And if he wants to get upset because birthdays are ‘different’ , you say that’s how I feel about anniversaries. How you feel is valid. The thing NOT to do is pretend you’re not upset. It’s ok to cancel your plans tomorrow if he doesn’t have anything - you just say it upsets me you havent made any effort and I don’t feel like celebrating by going and doing the plans I put effort into arranging. Anniversaries take two, let’s see if we can celebrate it together next year. This year I’m upset and feel unloved.

Anything else is telling them it’s ok to forget.

Hi OP - what happened?