How to teach my 6 yo to say "sorry " and mean it?

[justacat]

Our 6 yo is having trouble apologising and saying "I'm sorry ", lately.
Every time she does something naughty and is pulled up on that (at home or at school,equally), she throws an almighty tantrum.
Her teacher has mentioned two incidents at school, where she was pestering another child and refused to apologise, and just cried when the teacher tried to talk to her. Ultimately, she feels more sorry for herself in those situations then apologetic.
We are at our wits end. We tried talking to her, taking treats away, explaining how it affects her sister and her friends. For a short while she is a perfect child and then something happens and we are back to square one!
Any advice on how to teach empathy to a 6 yo?

YOu can't really teach it. YOu have to have a lot of long conversations about other people's feelings, and link those to the child's feelings - ie "Remember when Rebecca didn't want to play with you and that made you sad? Well, that's how Georgia feels when you tell you you don't want to play with her. She's sad because of what you said."

Please don't get me wrong, she has empathy!
It's just when the situations happen, she is very upset that she is being in the wrong.
For example, breaking her sisters toy and then throwing a tantrum when she's being found out and not apologising.

It’s a tough one, though I’m sure that it’s something she will get with time. As well as focusing on how the other person feels, perhaps maybe try to focus on how she feels when she’s done something wrong? Such as ‘When I’ve done something I know that I shouldn’t sometimes that makes me feel sad and cross’. I think that at six, feelings such as remorse are probably quite big and confusing things to deal with - hence the defensive tantrums. Maybe understanding how she feels herself a bit more might help her to modify her reactions a bit?

Just an idea - are you pushing her to apologise while she's still angry at whatever she perceived the other person to have done?

Because while she's angry, she won't be at all sorry.

Many adults can't do this to be fair.

I tried to show rather than tell.
Right from when mine were toddlers, if they were naughty, and I told them off, I would ask them to say they were sorry. If they did, I immediately apologised for shouting at them, saying that I had been nasty too.
It preserves their dignity and models the behaviour that apologies are due from adults too. They learned right from the start that it is not humiliating to apologise, that it is how we make amends, etc.
It was made easier by them attending Sunday school and church with me, so the concepts of repentance and forgiveness were clearly explained and reinforced.
I think some kids have a problem with pride - they see apologising as admitting fault and don’t like being in the wrong or humiliated. You need to normalise it as how we deal with mistakes or hurting others, and take the sting out of it.

you cant teach somebody to "mean it" because thats a feeling.
You can teach them that its socially appropriate to apologise for somebody that you have hurt or upset, but to mean it too, they have to understand that other peoples feelings are different from their own, and that they are important, and they have to be able to imagine the feeling that the other person has had in reaction. They possibly need to be able to imagine or remember that somebody apologising to them made them feel better, and they have to want that person to feel better.

Its complex and it comes with maturity.

I think a heartfelt repentant apology from a 6 year old to somebody because you pestered them a bit might be a bit much to ask.

Thank you, you all are giving me a lot to think about.