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Original poster

My mother in law is dying and I don't get to be with her

17 replies

gunge · 03/10/2018 10:25

Long and short of it, I'm very close to my MIL as I've never really had a mum of my own for long and complicated reasons. She's been lovely to me and my two children.

She has a terminal illness and is very poorly and I'm devastated. I'd love to be with her more, to say the things I'd like to say. Like thank you for being a mum to me.

Her children, including my DH are of course with her lots. They talk about lovely moments. Not for second do I think this shouldn't be the case or that they shouldn't come first but I'm so very sad that I don't get these chances

Nothing else to say really. Just in pieces this morning.

OP posts:

TheRedRoom · 03/10/2018 10:27

Could you write her a letter, saying those things you can't say face to face? Perhaps your dh could read it to her if she isn't able to herself.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/10/2018 10:27

Have you told DH how you feel? What is stopping you from seeing her?

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2018 10:29

I'm confused. I though you were going to say you were no longer with your husband and being excluded.

If that's not the case, what's stopping you from being with her?

Original poster

gunge · 03/10/2018 10:31

Yes I've told him but he seems reluctant or scared to say anything. I don't push it because of course he's having a horrible time.
I have seen her, it's not that, it's just never for long or on my own like others are getting to do.
I appreciate I'm probably asking too much in this so I just put up and shut up. But privately I'm so, so sad.

OP posts:

APlaceInTheWinter · 03/10/2018 10:32

I'm so sorry. It's such a difficult time I recently lost my DMIL and luckily was able to spend time with her. Are you assuming there's no space for you to visit or has DH specifically said you can't? Not everyone wants to visit so perhaps he thinks he is protecting you.
If they are restricting visiting, could you give DH a short letter / card to read to DMIL for you? Or record a little message on his phone?
You have a right to be upset and to acknowledge your grief. Of course it's not the same as her DCs but don't feel guilty about how you feel.

Original poster

gunge · 03/10/2018 10:32

A letter is a good idea yes

OP posts:

Optimist1 · 03/10/2018 10:36

If you say to your DH and his siblings that you'd treasure just 20 minutes alone with their lovely mum, they'd have to have hearts of stone to refuse? You may or may not have the opportunity for more solo visits, but I'm sure that one would fulfil your needs.

Sorry for you all at this sad time.

Sparklyfee · 03/10/2018 10:36

Sorry to hear this. Could you just ask your DH for 15 minutes alone with her? A lot can be said in that time and it's not much to ask at all.

Original poster

gunge · 03/10/2018 10:36

I think it's harder because I never had my own mum. I feel jealous too. Not proud of that but hey I'm only human.
No one has banned me from seeing her, it's not like that. I just don't get the kind of quality time others do for one reason or another.
Partly it's childcare, other logistics. But a large part of it is 'just' being the in law. I simply don't have the priority as blood relatives. Now I know in my head this is just the way it is and it's only right of course. But it doesn't stop my heart aching.

OP posts:

Okki · 03/10/2018 10:38

My DH wrote to my Dad - he was too unwell to read it himself so I read it to him. Of course it made me cry but it meant to much to my Dad to know he was an important person to my DH and at a difficult time, when I was saying goodbye to my Father, knowing how DH felt brought me so much comfort and I didn't feel quite so alone. And it's now a precious memory for me.

for you all.

Xiaoxiong · 03/10/2018 10:41

I understand OP. Just reading your post and thinking of my MIL makes me feel weepy. She had cancer a few years ago and DH was with her a lot so of course I dealt with the DCs to support him spending more time with her. I know I will be in the same position as you are now in years to come.

Need to text her now to tell her I luffs her v much!!

PinkHeart5914 · 03/10/2018 10:42

Of course her own dc would take priority she’s there mum and why wouldn’t they want every second possible before she passes. That’s the way it should be but you could ask for 15 minutes alone as you’d like to thank her for her kindness over the years or write her out a nice letter/card or put together a little book with pics of good times over the years and a few nice words ?

Original poster

gunge · 03/10/2018 10:44

Please don't think I'm making a song and dance of this in real life. And I do get on with my sibling in laws too!
I suppose that's why I came on here. Just to say the things I cant in RL.
I feel like I'm losing a mum and I won't get to do the things a daughter does for her mum in these times. Usually people hate their MIL. Sometimes I wish I did then it wouldn't hurt so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

gunge · 03/10/2018 10:46

PinkHeart I understand that I do. I've not suggested anywhere otherwise.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 03/10/2018 10:47

Just a thought, could you say to the family members there with her that you'd love to have some time with her alone and they can all go and have a cup of tea or a walk together? They won't have all had time alone as siblings either if one of them is always with her, and they will have a lot to talk about.

Defender90 · 03/10/2018 10:50

I think it's lovely that you love your mother in law so much.

I would go with the great idea of writing a letter, and I do hope you get the chance to tell her how you feel, she sounds like a wonderful person.

Take care

IamaBluebird · 03/10/2018 11:14

I think you sound as though you've had an amazing relationship with your mother in law. I'm sure she already knows all the things you'd like to say to her. Hope you get the time together that you'd like.

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