Should I swap with DH and become the main earner?

[ShouldWeSwap]

NC as outing, and I know a couple of people on MN in RL. Also, sorry in advance for this being long.

Summary - should I swap with my husband and become the main earner between us whilst he drops to part time to cover childcare?

When I was pregnant I had been employed on a 1 year contract that ended a few weeks before my DS (17mo) was born (before 1 year contract in a role for 5 years that was made redundant). My wage went from £16k to less than £7k on maternity pay (still entitled to maternity pay from 1 year contact regardless of the fact it had ended), then £0 when maternity ended at the beginning of the year. My DH has been employed for many years as a courier, working around 50 hours to earn currently just less than £22k.

During my maternity, it was decided that I would stay at home and look after DS, as majority of jobs I would have applied for would only just cover any childcare costs, and it would have fallen to me to take time off if required for illnesses etc. as DH can be up to 4 hours drive away some days. We have had to do a lot of tightening our belts to make this work, and a month ago I got a weekend job in a shop just to help make ends meet as DH’s wage just managed to cover all bills (after lots of reviewing and changing) and a small food and fuel budget. There was never anything left over for unexpected expenses.

My DH hates his job. The company he works for are not good to their employees. Resentment towards them has built over the years. He has tried looking for a new job but as he doesn’t have much in the way of qualifications (no English GCSE - which he refuses to retake), he is unable to find another job that pays as well as his current one does (been there nearly 20 years) to be able to cover our bills.

A job has recently been advertised in the civil service that ticks all the boxes for me. I have all the experiences that are essential as well as desirable. It is just over £20K, and a 40 minute commute without traffic. They are recruiting for 20 candidates. I discussed it with DH last night and he thinks it’s a good idea for me to apply for it, and we would swap roles. If I did get the job, he would hand in his notice (whole other thing - he thinks he only needs to give 4 weeks notice, I’m sure it’s 12 weeks due to his longevity at his work, I must find his contract and check) and get a part time job at weekend. I would love to go back to work, and I think I would enjoy the role.

However, if we did do this, it would mean we would have to try and find ways of saving even more money with bills (not sure how as everything has been reviewed) to deal with the slight decrease between his current wage and my new wage. I’m also worried, as we want another child sooner rather than later, and we wouldn’t be able to afford it if I went on maternity again as that’s a massive dip in wages (unsure what the civil service maternity package is), without DH’s wages to cover it like he did with DS. DH has said he would love to spend more time with DS, and I don’t want him resenting me if I didn’t apply and made him stay in his job, but I also love spending so much time with DS. Plus for a purely selfish reason, I’m getting more sleep now than when I was working as DS is a brilliant sleeper, some days sleeping till 9am. I’m also concerned about putting all the life admin onto DH, as he can be forgetful at times (we have a shared organiser/ calendar app to keep on top of jobs otherwise he would forget). He would do more of the housework than I do at the moment, but would also have to learn how to cook more meals (it would be up to me to write detailed recipes as he is very unsure of himself with cooking).

I know there is no guarantee I would get the job, and if I didn’t DH would understand and keep at his job until something else came along. But I have so many questions and worries if I did get the job. So wwyd?

It seems that you can't afford for one of you to not work, you say you're barely scraping by on one wage and would have even less if you swapped the roles. Have you looked into a childminder? This is often cheaper than a nursery? Perhaps even just part time then you could work part time and DH can continue to work full time.

I really can't see how you're going to survive on even less money if you're struggling now OP

Do apply for the job but don't let your DH become the SAH parent. I have known several families who tried this and not once has the DH pulled his weight at home.

On a worst case scenario (which did happen to a friend of mine) he then cheated and when they split he got main care of the children as the principal carer (even though he left them at his mums all the time) and she had to pay him maintenance.

£20k is not that much. You both need to be working and I agree with trying to find a childminder. TBH I'd defer having another child for now. Up to your H if he changes his job or not, you can't do it for him.

Sounds like one of you (him, if you get the new job?) should be applying for night shift/weekend work so that you can maximise income while keeping childcare costs low.

Good luck with job application

My DH was a SAH parent for 4 years while I went back to uni to qualify as a teacher. Worked fine and he definitely pulled his weight so I don't think that the PP is being fair

I’m also concerned about putting all the life admin onto DH, as he can be forgetful at times (we have a shared organiser/ calendar app to keep on top of jobs otherwise he would forget). He would do more of the housework than I do at the moment, but would also have to learn how to cook more meals (it would be up to me to write detailed recipes as he is very unsure of himself with cooking).

For this reason I would never do this sort of swap. Lifework and cooking are not rocket science. Bullshit he'd forget, you'd be stuck doing two jobs chasing your own tail going spare because you basically have a glorified childminder on your hands. I grew up with a mum who waited on my father and us kids hand and foot and you know what, I learned how to cook and do lifework without a wifey showing me how. It's not hard.

Yes, I think you should do it - not least because your husband can't be a courier forever, so you also need to plan for retirement, and a civil service job will greatly help with this.

I do think that the only way for your DP to become a SAHP is if there's some career development going on in the meantime, for example, taking that GCSE, so that he can get a new job himself (what does he want to do? I bet there are careers advisory services for adults that can help him think it through)

In the meantime, perhaps supermarket temporarily - the advantages there being that after a short period you get staff discount, and there are shifts at all hours so you wouldn't need childcare at all.

Yes, I think you should do it - not least because your husband can't be a courier forever, so you also need to plan for retirement, and a civil service job will greatly help with this.

I do think that the only way for your DP to become a SAHP is if there's some career development going on in the meantime, for example, taking that GCSE, so that he can get a new job himself (what does he want to do? I bet there are careers advisory services for adults that can help him think it through)

In the meantime, perhaps supermarket temporarily - the advantages there being that after a short period you get staff discount, and there are shifts at all hours so you wouldn't need childcare at all.

Argh - sorry! I swear I only pressed submit once!

I think you both need to work. £20k isn't a good enough salary to support a family when there is someone else capable of working. If he stops work he's going to find it really hard to find a new job when it's time. He's going to have to go back to work for a lot of years at some point so he's going to have to make himself employable. Being out of work with a career break and no qualifications is going to make it difficult to get back into work. Soon you will be entitled to 30 hours free childcare and the costs would therefore drop dramatically.

Very telling that you have to find his notice period, not him!

Firstly I'd not be searching round the house for his contract. You're already setting the whole scenario up to fail if he can't even hand his notice in properly as he's so terrible at life admin.

If you have no money spare then I don’t see how you could take a role earning less, if also assume you’d have to give up your weekend work so spend time with your DS- so again less money as a whole. Is there any work you could do from home or additional part fine work? I also don’t think it’s wise to be contemplating another baby if things are that tight.

There are alarm bells ringing for me that he has hated his job for a long time but never done anything to change it. I think its a reasonable thing to do, but not sure he will up his game enough to make it workable for you. Trouble is, once he has left he may never work again with low motivation and the missing qualification. Maybe build in some re-training or similar into the plan. You really both need to be earning within the next five years (assuming new baby) to have some security.

Can you apply but he look for courier or delivery work evenings or one weekend day to bring a bit more in? I would assume that it’s the kind of role where that kind of thing is possible.

And yeah, echoing PP, he needs to pull his weight more. This is a family problem, everyone needs to pitch in.

You going for the job is a definite yes.

But your dh needs to work, not in his awful job. If he earned even £10k your prospects would be so much better. He needs to make a realistic plan. It could include a year at home whike he retakes a gcse or does an acceas course by distance learning/college. What would he actually lije to do

I agree that it doesnt sound good if he's useless around the house.

There are alarm bells ringing for me that he has hated his job for a long time but never done anything to change it.

On top of having to be mithered by the OP

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I guess I didn't represent DH enough. Firstly, he would definitely be getting a job, he said he would be happy to do evenings and weekends, he doesn't want to stop work completely, just wants to stop working at his current employer. And yes, he has stayed at this job for years, but until the last few years it wasn't a horrible job. He has applied for other jobs and had interviews, but either hasn't been successful or recently has had to turn them down as we needed more money than they offered (think £5k less than what he is currently on). His current job offers him such a high wage, one because of the hours he works, and two because of the amount of years he has been there.

Also, he isn't useless around the house. He is happy to do housework, will get it done more often than I do. When I come home at weekend he usually has done a lot of work. He can cook, but not lots, and is willing to learn to cook more as long as I teach him/ write the recipes down for him. But yes, I am worried that the life admin will still fall on me even though I am the one working full time.

I like the idea of him retraining or retaking his English GCSE. It would make this better for him in the long run.

Also, the reason we want a second child sooner rather than later is it took 3 years to conceive DS, I have suspected endometriosis (surgeon spoke to me about this after my EMCS), and I also started puberty very young so I am worried I don't have many more years left before menopause starts.

Op, I honestly think he needs to work too, perhaps on a different role whilst on reduced hours. Then wouldn't your income be more like £30-35k for the household?

I second supermarket for the late / weekend hours and discount (Lidl pay well).

I have a flakey husband and there's no way of entrust the majority of the childcare , cooking , life admin and house work to him. I'd end up awake till midnight each night picking up the slack. I've tried very hard to get him to be more proactive around the home and so far it just doesn't work !! But then that's us and you are different people.....

When do you qualify for some free childcare hours ?

Good luck x

Also if he worked in a large supermarket he may be able to increase his hours if you go on mat leave again. You may have to open to a short mat leave / shared parental leave if you are the bigger earner.

Ps- we took 3 years to conceive DD1 and decided to start ttc dc2 when she was 8mo and it happened the first cycle !! Xx

Shazafied I've just checked online and we do not qualify for the free childcare for 2 year olds, as our annual income is over the threshold. However, we would be entitled to free childcare when DS reaches the age of 3 (or the term after which is the September). So another 2 years to go before that starts.