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To stop couselling or not...

8 replies

Lanzagrotty · 02/10/2018 22:43

My son has started having counselling at school. The reason for this is he gets very frustrated at school and is rude to the teachers. Low level stuff like huffing when asked to do stuff, answering back etc.
The school suggested a learning mentor first, as he is bright, but not reaching his potential but I thought it might be that he was feeling under pressure and acting out so a counsellor might help.
He’s fine at home and at all the after school clubs he goes to. It just seems to be school that’s the problem.
Anyway, he’s come home from school today very upset because the counsellor told him off for being rude (he’d stopped listening and was playing with pens).
She said he was very rude and that she would tell me he couldn’t come anymore. She basically said he was the problem and he was making his own problems.
All probably true, but to my mind she should be helping him understand why and develop strategies for coping, not be another person telling him off.
On the other hand I don’t think she should have to put up with rudeness.
My son swears blind it was just this one time not listening - even when I said I’d need to speak to her.
Now I don’t know what to think. Was she right to react like that and should I continue to send son? Or was she unhelpful?
My son was crying tonight (he’s 10 and rarely cries now so it has got to him.
What do people think? Was she right or not?

OP posts:
Lanzagrotty · 02/10/2018 23:07

Anyone

OP posts:
boux · 02/10/2018 23:16

I don't think she did anything wrong to be honest. He was being rude. You say that she should help him to understand why and develop strategies for coping but how can she do that if he will not listen to her? I suppose to be able to do that he needs to be receptive to what she is saying.
I would talk to the school and her to see what actually happened and what the future plan is. I would explain how upset he has been. You know your son best and could provide them with more insight. What do you think she should have done differently?

Lanzagrotty · 02/10/2018 23:23

I’m not sure really. From what DS said it sounded like she gave him quite a telling off. I think asking him why he didn’t answer her would have been more appropriate. He’s says he couldn’t hear her, but I think he’s probably stopped listening when the conversation got uncomfortable - which he always does.
It’s very hard to get anywhere with him when he gets like that as he just shuts down, but I did think a trained counsellor would handle it better. She’s not his mum though I suppose!

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Isadora2007 · 02/10/2018 23:29

God no- she was not right at all to do that. In counselling, the relationship is key to everything. So you honour that relationship above everything else. How horrible to treat him like that.
I work with adults- and believe me, a few of them don’t seem to listen sometimes. Instead of getting on at them, I consider what else might be going on for them. Are they disengaging as they are uncomfortable with the emotions? Are they distracted by other stuff? Are they avoiding the issues? Whatever might be going on, the counselling space is THEIRS notine- so if they want to sit quietly that is fine.
This counsellor sounds crap. She shouldn’t be talking so much that he stops listening. Back him up and stop the counselling. And complain to the school/service that provides counselling. Ask what approach she is qualified in as it certainly doesn’t seem person-centred.

boux · 02/10/2018 23:35

Hmm it's difficult to know what to think without knowing what actually happened. It is possible that she tried lighter techniques and he continued to ignore her so she tried a more direct approach. I agree with you though - she shouldn't really be telling him off because he will not view therapy as a safe space where he can open up.
A conversation with her & the school is definitely needed though to get to the bottom of what actually happened & to discuss the best way to move forward and help your DS. Perhaps it would be possible to find a new counsellor who is a better fit?
Best of luck with everything OP Thanks

Hellywelly10 · 02/10/2018 23:42

Maybe talk to her see what happened. If she did say he couldnt come anymore i would not be happy at all. Is this person a trained professional or a student/volunteer?

Seaweed42 · 02/10/2018 23:44

I wouldn't jump in and just stop the counselling all of a sudden. Otherwise it's just the huff pattern again to some extent.
If it's only just started they have to try to establish some sort of rapport with each other, possibly.

Ask him what he would like to do himself? If he would like to go back to the counsellor? It could be important that he establishes some sort of relationship with her.
It's hard to know what she said to him (the exact words she said or in what way exactly he 'was rude') so you could speak to her and ask her how it's going with him. No one can say if she's wrong or is she right without knowing the details of what went on.
It sounds like she's trying to implement ground rules.
I would try to frame it to him that people can get annoyed and be rude to each other, but often they can work things out and get used to each other and get on better in the future. And ask him would he like to give it another try with her, because she would like to work with him if he's prepared to give it another try.
He's upset with some aspect of it...but hard to know which part. He could have liked being with her, but then can't work out why she's annoyed with him because he can't observe himself when he gets emotional, he can only feel the strong emotion.
It sounds like he doesn't know where the boundaries are and is confused when people have a bad reaction to him, because for him it comes out of the blue when he has done nothing wrong.

Lanzagrotty · 02/10/2018 23:45

She’s from relate. It’s goong to be hard to get to the bottom of this as the sessions are confidential Sad

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