Emergency c-section at 32 weeks - how can I help my friend?

[thenorthernluce]

A close friend of mine had to have an emergency c-section at 32 weeks last night. She’s in a private room recovering and her son is in an incubator in SCBU. She’s in shock and so very upset, clearly. We live 400 miles apart, so I feel utterly helpless at the moment.

If anyone out there has any experience of a situation like this, what’s the best thing for me to do? I’m thinking along the lines of a care package with snacks, toiletries, magazine etc - too trite? And should I send a card or wait until they get home? I don’t want to do the wrong thing in the circumstances.

I'm guessing she wasn't prepared for a c section so sending anything to help her in that situation?! Giant comfy pants that go over the scar? There are things you can get which protect the scar, with pads inside that you can warm up or freeze. Nice pajamas?

Everyone is different but I would send a card saying congratulations on your baby. It made me cross when ds1 was born that some family members didn’t acknowledge his birth until after he came home. If the worst had happened and we lost him does that mean we were not parents?
Some ready meals may help too - going back and forth to the hospital and the emotional trauma means you are really not up to cooking.
Also a simple text to say you are there to talk at anytime.
Most hospitals will send home once she is well enough even this means baby is still in SCBU. I cannot under estimate how hard this is mentally.
Also please remember she is not lucky and must be having lots of sleep - if she is expressing she will up in the night even without her baby.
As for gifts a naice note book and pen so she record the baby’s journey and handcream.
Finally it is her baby and when she is strong enough she can ask how she can care for him.
Good luck to your friend and I hope the baby is home soon.

I had an EMCS at 36 weeks last year.

If you're doing a care package put in some hand cream

Fuck, I didn't mean to post that yet.

Anyway, I had an EMCS at 36 weeks last year and my DS was in Neo for a week.

Re the hand cream, her hands will be washed so many times they'll get sore. If she is pumping / breastfeeding, some Lansinoh cream.

Re a card - I hated getting them. I was in a room with 3 other mums who had their babies with them and I hated the reminder that I was away from mine. I was also given a balloon and had to put it away because I would cry whenever I saw it. I would send a congratulations text so there isn't a constant visual reminder.

Also, and this may be peculiar to me but I'll put it out there, text / IM to say you're thinking of her and available to talk but don't call. I was happy to chat online to people, and got some great advice and comfort from my MN friends, but if I had to talk to someone on the phone I fell to pieces and I hated that.

If I think of anything else I'll add it but you sound like a lovely friend.

I had the same, emcs at 32 weeks. I think a care package would be a lovely thing to do. I agree with the op about sending messages and not ringing

Ds spent 4 days in nicu and then came up to the ward with me for 6 days before we were discharged.

I agree with the previous poster that should have said

This was me 4 years ago but DD both at 28 weeks. She will be totally frazzled and have very little energy for anything but recovering and learning the ropes of NICU. I’d text/email her regularly never asking for any sort of response but saying you’re thinking of her and would love to get updates and photos when she feels ready. Remind her to look after herself and to eat well. A really decent hand cream would have been an ideal present for me - my hands have never been the same. Also they recommend muslins and toys being put in the incubator that mum has slept with so smell of her so maybe a pack of muslins or a cute teddy for baby.
More than anything just don’t be pushy but let her know you’re there. I loved updates from friends to remind me life was still going on away from my nightmare and the endless days of NICU.

A small sweet soft toy for the baby. And give her lots of space. Texts and cards are good but nothing demanding a response.it's a very up and down time .

Number 1 - A nice card saying congratulations. She is likely to get less of these as the situation is sudden and people aren't prepared. Its nice to have something for a memory box. Also keep a newspaper from that day if you can, she won't have had time to keep one.

Number 2 - gift card or food delivery. When dd was in nicu and Scbu there was a parents room with a microwave and toaster. We spent a lot of time and money popping to get microwave meals from the marks and Spencer's simply food downstairs. Also a lot of Costa was consumed. The simply food at our hospital do food deliveries to certain wards. So might be a way to get tasty food.

Number 3 - hand cream and some easy reading material. I spent a lot of time sitting next to a cot with nothing to do but express milk, books and iPad were my saviour. If you know they have an iPad you could buy Apple gift cards for them to buy stuff to download and watch.

You are so thoughtful. She is lucky to have you thinking of her.

31 weeks here. And well remembering how many people wouldn't acknowledge the birth.

Photo frames. Tiny toys. Tiny clothes. Ear plugs for nights on the ward. Being genuinely excited about a reported 10g weight gain.

PS - my 31 weeker is now 17 and doing Uni open days

@Isabeau1980 Shocking you weren't put in a side room when your baby was in NICU!!

I'm sorry your friend is going though it. A care package with some things just to say you are thinking of her would be lovely. Maybe not a card. Most say 'congratulations' and she may not feel like being congratulated yet as she's worried and upset.

Hope she recovers well and baby comes out soon x

DS arrived at 33 weeks by section. Tiny baby vests are good - I had no time to shop. Friend made a 'nappy cake' there are instructions online, and it's been amazing over the last few months, but wasn't much good immediately. Kind messages, especially at weird hours if you happen to work odd shifts that make you contactable in middle of night. A card, we didn't get any til we left hospital and that was depressing. A trashy read? Pumping is desperately boring. A hands free bra pumpong transformed my life but might be a bit personal!

I would have appreciated a card- I didn’t get many when my baby was in SCBU. Heavy duty hand cream, ear plugs, big muslins and a sports cap water bottle all very useful too. Some friends also sent me a cheese gift box which was amazing- it was something lovely for me but also gave me something quick and easy to eat that required no prep.

32 weeks here - DD is now in her 2nd year at uni. I agree with the hand cream. I also loved my DGMs friend who hurriedly knitted doll's cardis and hats to fit DD!

DUncle brought amazing food regularly and sneaked a couple of cans of g&t in, too! He had checked with the nurses 1st. Also magazines and trashy novels - my concentration was rubbish.

Maybe find out if the hospital has a Costa/Starbucks and send a gift card for there.

Above all, your friend will just be glad to know you're there for her.

I’ve been there also, 32 week total placental abruption and sickly DD who was in NICU for 6 very long weeks. I’d echo all the above plus one lovely thing a friend sent to me was a very soft (washed) blanket to wrap DD up in when she was strong enough for me to have short cuddles. I still treasure that blanket 6 years on.

Also yes to lots of short texts, the thinking of you type messages rather than those requiring a reply as I was absolutely wiped out from the shock. Wishing your friend and her baby every good wish for a safe journey home.