Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What do you think true love is?

25 replies

BoiledFrog · 01/10/2018 21:49

As it stands I would say, it's a relationship where they don't irritate you on a base level. You find most things they say or do endearing. I feel like I have gone insane.

This has been a 3 year saga, the twists and turns have been mental, we have blocked and unblocked so many times. I can never let him go, are we doomed?

I honestly feel like it would have been better to have never met him. I see his many faults, I see my many faults, but still time spent together is exquisite.

I feel like there is no way I can win. I have tried no contact many times. It worked great until I had a crazy moment. I guess I will have to wait for him to find his "one"'

OP posts:
ThunderInMyHeart · 01/10/2018 22:05

You’ll end unanimously told this is limerance.

I sympathise; I’ve been there too.

stressedoutpa · 01/10/2018 22:07

That's not true love. Sorry.

Lalager · 01/10/2018 22:35

Honestly, OP, true love is not ‘a relationship where they don’t irritate you on a base level’. Hmm Your bar is way too low. Also, you’re now just addicted to the drama of on and off, yes and no, blocked and unblocked.

Step off the merry go round and find someone who does ,ore for you than not irritate you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
PlinkPlink · 01/10/2018 22:39

This is a messed up situation and not love, in the slightest. I've been there too so try not to feel down about it too much.

The solution? Cut yourself off from him. I had to send mine a message saying I'm sorry, I really would like to stay friends and keep in contact but it's not something I can do. I need to not speak to you as it's really messing me up. I wish you all the best for the future.

Then block and delete ON EVERYTHING.

Give yourself some time to think about why you got into that relationship. Maybe work on yourself or think about your goals.

For me it was just sucking the life out of me, constantly on my mind and I didn't want to be the type person that constantly thought about a man even though we both weren't sure if we really wanted to be with each other.

I realised I wanted to find love. I wanted to find the perfect man (or in my eyes at least) who could love me and treat me right and give me all the tingles and butterflies.
I wanted it all... and I eventually got it. Still have it now.

You just have to set your standards high, recognise when you're not being treated right and feel good about yourself. Easy to write it down... hard to actually do.

Hope that helps OP x

toffee1000 · 01/10/2018 23:57

I agree with PP that your relationship sounds far from ideal.
To answer your question, I’d say “true love” probably varies between couples.

Original poster
BoiledFrog · 03/10/2018 20:50

Thanks for the replies, I do realise that this relationship is basically not viable, the on and off again aspect was fuelled by my cognitive dissonance essentially. I do have zero self esteem, despite that, from the start my gut told me he was basically full of shit. It is odd when we are together all is good, when we aren't my rational brain kicks in and I realise this whole thing is a form of self harm.

I have kids with a previous partner I was with for over a decade. We are obviously still in contact now. With him I had quite a steady relationship, minimal drama although we started out long distance. I think the lack of emotional intimacy we had

was a prime contributer to our break up.

The intense emotional bond I have with this other guy is the thing that kept me hooked, no matter what the circumstance. I have looked up limerance, for the first two thirds of this relationship he was the one who would chase me. Then for some reason it switched and I was the one pursuing.

Limerance is an absolute bastard, why does it even exist as a thing. The split from kids dad was fairly traumatic and involved me moving a long way in less than ideal circumstances, but I was coping and fine, hopeful for the future.

I am in a complete and utter hole

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/10/2018 20:54

Feeling safe. Feeling like you can be your authentic self. Coming home to comfort and warmth. Looking out for each other. Allowing each other to put yourself first. No dramas.

That is my definition.

toolazytothinkofausername · 03/10/2018 21:02

Me and Chinese take-away. Soul mates for life.

MorningsEleven · 03/10/2018 21:02

It's still loving someone when they've collapsed in the bathroom with food poisoning and you've had to wipe their arse and clean shit and blood off the floor.

Jenala · 03/10/2018 21:08

I think me and DH have true love. Part of it is that we are now 100% honest about anything and there's never an argument or drama as a result. Being completely, brutally, radically honest has made an already good relationship even more amazing and has been so freeing and refreshing.

Drama at every turn does not seem like true love to me.

Verbena87 · 03/10/2018 21:09

I think true love feels simple and obvious - a kind of “well yeah, of course” feeling. Other bits...

Feeling deeply seen and recognised, and accepted anyway, whole and flawed.

Feeling more like yourself, not diminished.

Feeling sustained and nourished.

Wanting to listen to each other.

Original poster
BoiledFrog · 03/10/2018 21:10

Anyfucker, that's the thing he is the only person (apart from kids) I can be my authentic self. I see him once a week and it's like we are in our own little bubble. I'd deffo clean shit off him if he had food poisoning, he just gets me and me him.

I adore him, and I know this is the case for some limerance he seems to adore me too. The time we spend together is awsome.

There are things about him I know are dealbreakers, but I can't seem to let him go.

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 03/10/2018 21:10

Also yes yes to radical honesty. I reckon it’s total mutual vulnerability or nothing.

Original poster
BoiledFrog · 03/10/2018 21:12

Lucky you jenala, I'm a what you see type person and definitely value honesty over a kind lie

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/10/2018 21:14

No. There are has to be no dealbreakers

They break the deal. Shortlived bliss does not make up for the unacceptable.

Original poster
BoiledFrog · 03/10/2018 21:16

What if I let him go and I never find that connection again? Should I put up with his stuff?

I have said to him many times, we should be friends, but he is a dafty and takes it as a brush off

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 03/10/2018 21:17

True love is unconditional and doesn't have to be justified or explained. There are no doubts, no questions, no compromises. It is undeniable and totally right.

Original poster
BoiledFrog · 03/10/2018 21:19

Anyfucker I get that, but I'm not exactly a catch myself. Who the fuck am I to be so picky?

It's very rare I even fancy someone.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 03/10/2018 21:26

True love will think you are a catch and will build you up boiled

Original poster
BoiledFrog · 03/10/2018 21:29

I don't think it is limerance tbh, if that is even a thing. We have had an admittedly rocky relationship for three years. But it's not imaginary on my part or anything.

It is love, we have had many funny and gorgeous times, we are fully comfortable with each other. Its that that stops me walking away

OP posts:
katmarie · 03/10/2018 21:36

Can you see yourself ironing his underwear and not minding? That was my mum's test. Can you see yourself getting home from a very tough day at work, and immediately taking over the baby care, cooking and cleaning, despite the fact he's been home all day, because you can see he's in agony and needs to rest, and that breaks your heart? That was my night tonight, and the fact that I did it without question reaffirmed my belief that I love my dh. Can you see him being there when you are at your most vulnerable? Love and trust need to go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other in my opinion.

3stonedown · 03/10/2018 21:36

I'd say similar to Anyfucker but I honestly think if you question if it's true love, it probably isn't.

Helpimfalling · 03/10/2018 21:43

So what are these deal breakers exactly if it's all so perfect this post is like a riddle

MorningsEleven · 04/10/2018 08:05

Can you see yourself ironing his underwear and not minding?

Never! He irons my work stuff though.

Jenala · 04/10/2018 09:33

Yes I think more info about what these twists and turns are would help understand. It's a bit difficult to comment otherwise. Do you get honesty or do you get kind lies?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread