Navigating the world of school mums

[cjt110]

How do you do it?

I ask as my son has not long started in reception. I've said hello and made chit chat with a few mums at drop off. Chatting to those who my son has made friends with.

Friday gone the school did a coffee morning which one of the mums (I know her from a mum and baby group from when the children were tiny) invited me along. I'll admit, I was a little bit rabbit in headlights when I realised she'd also invited other mums along who she knows from her son's nursery.

I did the chit chat and after a reasonable time, made my excuses and left. I feel like they are posher, more trendy and just... "better" than me.

There's some other mums I have spoken to and they seem more like me.

Friend who invited me to the coffee morning has set up a mums group chat on whatsapp and i just feel so.. out of my depth? They all seem to know one another and be miles apart from me in ideas/way of life. My impression (and it's only that) is that they are mostly fairly well off, work part time and enjoy mum and child activities (a few of them have reception aged kids as well as toddlers so get together with the toddlers).

It feels almost like they are a higher class than us. And it's stupid I feel like that but it does.

I don't want to alienate myself, or my son, and having people to speak with sounds great.

I've lived where I do for years but don't really know anyone.

How do you navigate this without coming across as an outsider??? confused

I know how you feel about the class thing. I've noticed it in the play group I take my younger children to and in my older children's school that most are middle class, whereas we are working class. I feel as though there's not much in common.
However I still make the effort to get out and about with the kids and let them socialise with other children and I will chat to these mums.
I don't let it take over my life though and I just see them as acquaintances I am friendly with. If I become friends with someone then great, but it's not a necessity.

Why specifically did you feel out of your depth op? You all live in the same area and have at least one dc of a similar age, that's all you really know about each other so far! I think every first timer at the school gates feels a bit like that so I'm just assuming we're all in the same boat (my ds just started too).

It’s so difficult, isn’t it?

My advice, now I’ve reached Year 2, is to disengage and lower your expectations. In Reception, the mums (sort of) made an effort to chat and be friendly to everyone in the class, but by the summer term I started noticing a distinct frostiness as the popular mums kept to themselves and stopped chatting to the mums they didn’t consider worthy

I’m always friendly and I’m on the Facebook/WhatsApp groups but I make a conscious effort not to post too much or try too hard to get people to like me. Like chocolate says, these people are just acquaintances and as much as you might want to build a circle of new friends, it probably won’t happen.

I suppose I don't want to seem standoffish or anything but I also don't really know how to act in those kinds of situations.

I'm not the most social of people but it seems an opportunity that I could miss for myself and my son.

Just remember that just because these women are different in some ways, that does not mean they are better. Everyone presents a version of themselves to the world. Smile, be friendly and relax. You are unique, just like everyone else

...but are they arseholes?

I have friends of different class to me, different education, different backgrounds. Also same class/same education/same backgrounds. I don't have friends who are arseholes.

I smile and nod to everyone, if that turns into friendship, then great. I'm also Joanna Foreigner in DS' playground, so that adds to the 'otherness'.

I have made a good 'mum' friend from school (and 'dad' friend, too, they're both ace), can chat a lot to maybe 2-3 others (including their partners), smile and nod to the rest of them. I'll always answer questions about PE kit, whatsapp messages about excursions etc and help people out. But i'm aware that we have children in the same class and that may be all there is in common with 95% of parents.

InDubiousBattle I think perhaps as they know each other - their kids went to the same nursery. Also, they're talking of going to champagne bars and whatnot. I couldn't afford that to begin with and also it's not my scene.

popular mums kept to themselves and stopped chatting to the mums they didn’t consider worthy This is totally what I have in my head.... they are the popular crowd and I'm not.

scrambledheads I rocked up to the coffee morning in jeans and a hoody.... they were like heeled boots and blouses

..but are they arseholes? Definitely not.

I think if you're interested in making friends at school, you need to start by accepting everything you can (where funds/dates work) until you find your tribe, which will happen naturally over time. I've got a local group of friends all down to the age of our children, but over the years, we've naturally gravitated to those who we identify with more, but we're still friendly with the wider group.

I don't think there's anything behind it, there's always someone who's just quite good at organising and getting people together. I'm very grateful for them, as I always have the fear when suggesting something that no one will be interested, so I'm very pleased if someone else is organising!

Ok, I am one of those chatty, know everyone mums. I was a primary school teacher (do some supply teaching in the school currently too) and so I seem to know a lot of stuff. Some of this is because I am actually trained to talk about reading strategies and school issues. Also because I am very vocal and will always answer a question if I can, so I seem like I have to together and know stuff. (People have told me this outright)

However in truth, I am deeply insecure, this is the only area I know stuff in. I have never worked in an office and don't really understand the jobs of lots of the mums (just basic stuff that is alien to me. Never had to hot desk or 0 hour contracts etc) I feel very much like a one trick pony, with no depth or life experience.

Also my eldest has some physical limitations what are not obvious, but I have worked damned hard to help her overcome and continue to improve in areas other children don't even think about. So I know lots about after school activities as I have researched them extensively to see which would fit for her.

I am deeply aware that I am loud and chatty, so I do try to include those who aren't, but then worry I am scaring them! Sometimes people at the gates look at me gratefully and pick up conversation, others look at me like I'm crazy for talking to them!

I guess I'm saying we all have different issues and no matter what it looks like, no one has it all together.