How do you comfort your kids if they have been left out/ excluded/ teased etc at school?

[beclev24]

DS has been having some friendship issues at school. No major bullying I'm pretty sure, but his gang of friends from last year are all in one class and he is in another this year and at break time they have been leaving him out a bit/ possibly being a bit dismissive or unkind, and he is really upset about it. IT's the first time I've had to deal with something like this, and I never know what to say so wondered what kinds of things others have said to their kids in similar situations to make them feel better. Don't know whether to try and minimise it or appear to take it very seriously etc. I never discussed friendship issues with my parents. Any advice welcome! thanks

Speaking from my own experience as a kid, I would say listen rather than minimising it. I wanted to be allowed to be upset, not to be told I was wrong about a situation I had experienced and the person minimising it hadn’t.

Listen listen listen, empathise and document when he comes and tells you things that upset him. That way you can look back and see if it's escalating or not and talk to him and importantly reassure him. My child at first was being treated like your son. Just niggles etc. Into the new school year, it's progressed quite significantly and I can see a pattern happening with a couple of main culprits. I asked school for help which they've tried but it's quite underhand how they are doing it, so I've decided to move them hopefully in the next week or so. I wish I'd spoken up early instead of watching my child mental health slowly decline. Good much I hope you sort it.

thanks so much for these replies. Is there anything specific that you think is comforting to hear? I've tried a bit of "everyone feels excluded from time to time and it really hurts" , I've tried a bit of "I think they were being thoughtless rather than mean" (which I genuinely believe is the case.) It's harfd to know what is the right tack. If he was being badly bullied obviously it would be different but this feels more like the day to day of playground dynamics. He is very sensitive and I've seen him interpret things that aren't really mean very badly, but equally I want to really listen to how he feels. It's so hard.

To be honest there really isn't anything that makes it better, I know my son prefers me to validate his feelings and express I get it rather than fixing it for him. Till it goes to far obviously. Things like I know it hurts when friends behave this way. Mummy friends sometimes hurt her too. Then I tend to say what do you think would change or make it better for you. Makes them feel like they have some power back and they normally comes up with an idea of what to try which in turn makes them slightly happier because they have a plan. Sometimes it works other time it doesn't.

Tell him you’ll try and help. Speak to the school and make them aware that he’s been separated from his friends and is feeling lonely at playtime. The school might have split them up on purpose, perhaps they felt he could do with making more friends. Talk to his teacher, they’ll be able to advise and keep an eye on him.

So sorry it is very hard OP.
I try and encourage mine to always walk away from a leaving out or bullying situation and to find someone else who is nice to play with. Don’t give the person or group the power over you, quickly head off if they are being like that.
And I teach them if someone blows hot and cold with you, they are probably not really very nice or your friend in the first place, so don’t give loads of second chances, spend your energy looking for nice people to be with.

I’m going through the same with DC so following. I’ve been listening but I’m not sure if I’m turning it into a bigger deal by asking how things went that day IYSWIM.

Sometimes I ask them what it was the kid actually said to them and then rehearse a few snappy comebacks to that type of thing, that they can have ready in if they need them. Even if it’s just ‘why are you being so weird and mean today?’ it seems to give them a bit of comfort to feel they can be ready with a assertive response to hostility, if they need it.

I've always told my dc that if someone's mean and/or doesn't want to play with you then go and find someone else to play with. Also is your son still at an age where you can invite a schoolmate home after school? If so either invite a new friend from his new class or his closest friend from the old class.

Listen to them.
Find someone else to play with.
Remember that the ‘mean’ child might be having a bad day and other things could be going on for them and it isn’t personal.
Encourage not to just have 1 group of friends, and certainly I don’t encourage ‘best friends’ chat. Only great friends.

I read this post OP and if I didn't know better I would swear I had written it myself. We are going through the exact same thing and its so hard to watch your lovely kind child have their confidence destroyed by being constantly left out and ignored by their 'best friends'.

I try and show my DC that it's not their fault by asking them would they treat people like that and obviously they wouldn't so that gives them some perspective. I'm also encouraging them to make new friends and not asking the old ones over (not sure if that's for the best or to try and get them over and try and fix it but I'm too angry just now to face that).

I do the grilling every night of who was playing and who said what etc and that's not really not helping at all as it makes them feel worse so am stopping that.

Sending everyone who is going through this a hug 

these are really helpful responses- thanks so much

wiggle so sorry your DC is going through this too. Hope things improve soon.

I have learned to always ask the DC what happened before this incident. What I am really asking with this question is whether the alleged incident is as spontaneous as the DC claim or whether they did anything to cause or aggravate the situation.
Then, as others have said, listen, empathise, see if you notice a pattern develop and teach them some strategies for avoiding or minimising the behaviour

Having a similar probelm with my dd (9). She asked today to move school :( i think her best friend blows hot and cold and iant really that ggood a friend. Ive encouraged her to find other friends but she saya this far in people have already found their friends :(

I dont know whether to go into school or to talk to pastoral or not (i think they usually deal with bigger issues)

Pooleschool my DD felt like that in Y7. She went into a class without anyone from her school and felt that everyone had friends already. However she sat next to different people I different lessons and the friendships grew. For a while she was in the outer circle of a few friendship groups but now is in the thick of things.

It took a while though. Y7 and early Y8 were tricky and we encouraged her to chat to lots of people including the quiet ones!

I think going up to secondary will be a good thing for her. At the moment she has 2 years left of her school but the kids have been together for 5 years so she feels friendships have formed. I know it will all mox up again at secondary but it seems a long way a way . I hope she can work it out. Its hard knowing what to advise or whether to go in!

Thanks OP, how's your DS doing? This morning I was dropping my DS at school and again a so called best friend marched past, wasn't even going to say hello, to catch up with another boy. DS and I were like so now I'll be worrying if he is ok all day

Poole - I would advise going into the school (it's going to be my next step) and asking them to keep an eye on your DD on the quiet.

I have a teacher friend and she said this is the age where the friendship troubles start as they have been with the same people for years and they are fed up and ready to move on. She says this is why they get given more duties etc to stop them killing each other

It's not easy though when it's your child that's suffering