To accept 'early help'?!

[Wingingit1985]

Not sure if I'm posting in the right place but here goes....

To cut a very long story short my neighbours reported DH and I to social services maliciously a few months ago citing we neglect our children and they are at risk. The neglect they accused us of was leaving our 18 month old to cry at night. We unfortunately have a toddler who believes fervently that sleep is for the weak 😢 he is a frequent night waker/early riser and despite trying every trick in the book we are yet to resolve this issue (but we certainly do not leave him all night to cry!). Obviously we were heartbroken when the accusations came to light, however thankfully ss saw that there was no reason to get involved and I was very open and honest with both them and HV team. They also spoke to DCs nursery who were gobsmacked we'd been reported and told them as much! Despite this we were told at the time we would have a referral to 'early help' because of the sleep issue and it was part of their process.

Fast forward a few months and I'm due any day now with baby #3 and I'm getting numerous phonecalls and letters from my local sure start centre asking me to commit to regular classes with both newborn and my 18 month old boy. I don't really know what to do. Ive been putting it off as I have so much on (DD just started school and have had a very difficult 3rd pregnancy which combined with sleep deprivation has turned me into a zombie!) Am I able to refuse the 'help' as I'm not really sure we would benefit from this? It's hard not to feel like I've been labelled as a crap mum, but that could be prelabour hormones talking! I'm concerned if I don't go to these classes (which are going to be very difficult for me to attend due to travelling distance and also taking my child out of nursery to attend which we have alreay paid for and finances are tight at the moment) that there will be some kind of black mark against us. It was such a horrible experience being reported like that, it was the last thing I needed during this pregnancy and I just want to be left alone now to enjoy my little family and not feel under pressure. When I spoke to the woman from sure start on the phone she made it sound like my son might need help developmentally and that he needed more time spent with children his age (we attend other groups and also be goes to nursery 2 days a week so that really isn't an issue!)

I don't know whether I'm reading too much into this? I've left it so far with them saying send me the info in the post and I'll think about it once baby is here, but I just want it sorted..

Anyone have any experience of this?

Thanks

I can't advise anything, but I suggest posting in AIBU for 20 x the traffic

@BigChocFrenzy thanks. Tried posting in AIBU before. Never again. Some replies were brutal! 😕

Maybe in Chat ? More civilised there.

I wouldn't normally turn down help, mainly because it opens doors into other kinds of support (paediatrics, etc) if you end up needing it. Under your circumstances, I think I'd let your HV know it's just too much to commit to the sessions until you're really truly settled after baby 3 arrives. So you're not refusing the help, just deferring until you've got the practical time and energy to do it. Generally, if the communication is good and fairly proactive with a family, that's going to be viewed very positively. Good luck with your new one! And sympathies on your non-sleeper, hope you're able to find something that helps soon

You can turn down early help, it's not a problem at all - but I suppose the question is whether you'd benefit from some help with the sleep issue for everyone's sake? They might be able to change times or days if nursery is an issue or someone might be able to come out and see you at home especially if you're pregnant and stuck. As your midwife or HV - don't just ignore the letters and calls though - that usually gets red-flagged more than saying you don't want the help because of X, Y, Z.

I am an EH worker, it is routine in our area that families who don’t meet CP thresholds are offered early help if there are multiple stresses such as juggling a toddler, sleepless nights and a new baby but it is optional and there is no black mark if you don’t accept. The H.V. Should probably be able to offer sleep support if you want it and parenting groups run all the time so if now is not the right time it is ok to say ‘no’ but don’t be afraid to ask for support if you need it.

Thanks all for the replies. I certainly haven't ignored the contact, I've been in regular communication with HV team and had regular home visits. They've said they can't suggest anything else other than what we have already tried. I think the referral to sure start was just to cover all bases and say they've done everything they can. I rang and spoke to one of the outreach workers today and she said they would take us off their list for the group which was supposed to start today and she would get her manager to call me tomorrow to see if there's any other ways they could support.

I've rung my HV back aswell today as we had a particularly bad night with DS last night and I'm 99% sure next door have reported us again 😕...I heard them on the phone through the bedroom wall talking about excessive noise and my son crying (walls are unfortunately very thin!). I was advised against going round to next door and explaining the situation to them as it may aggravate things more. To be honest they are not very approachable people and we can hear both the guy and his gf screaming and calling each other every name under the sun most evenings. Not the kind of people I think would sit down and have a mature chat about things. I've also witnessed him shouting at a group of young lads in the street saying if they came near his house again he'd break their legs 😢 basically they seem like pretty nasty, malicious people and we have unfortunately fallen foul of them.

Just so down about the whole thing and suffering with anxiety as a result of the sleep deprivation and their actions.

I really hope my son grows out of this phase soon or we can find something that works soon. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm a considerate person and do care that this is causing upset to other people, but I can't help but think their reaction has been pretty extreme.

Thanks again

You may see it as 'numerous letters and phonecalls' from your local SureStart; they probably see it as giving you every opportunity, so as not to miss out, and they possible even have a slightly over-zealous admin person It does not mean that the SureStart centre think you need this support, that you should have it, and that you'll be judged if you don't take up the offer. They're too busy, and with too long a list of people to support, to have time to judge.

Not at all the point but have you got a homestart in your area? They can come for 2 hours a week to help with juggling or whatever you need as long as you have a child under 5 and can be amazing.

Also is there any chance your child could have big tonsils/sleep apnea. Onlg because mine woke screaming several times a night and it turned out she was waking terrified due ti sleep apnea! Tonsilectomy cured her!