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Original poster

Don’t like Dds Bf..help me find some coping strategies!

19 replies

MrsGrindah · 30/09/2018 20:41

Hi. Posted before about my concerns about him but I have finally realised he is here to stay. DD is late 20s so an adult and I know I have no say in her life etc. But although I don’t like him he is her choice of life partner. My DH loves him and doesn’t t understand my point of view. It is what it is I know ... so how do I make the best of it? I cringe when we meet up etc and actively avoid getting closer to his family but I can’t avoid it forever . What do I do?

OP posts:

ProfessionallyUnoffended · 30/09/2018 20:43

What don't you like about him, OP? Has he been unkind to your dd or do you simply have a bad feeling about him?

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 30/09/2018 20:45

He’s very controlling but hides it as” caring”. Loads of red flags as far as I’m concerned

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 30/09/2018 20:46

I was the victim of EA in a previous relationship so possibly over sensitive to these things

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 30/09/2018 20:53

I just need some tips on how to cope when DH invites him round etc. and over Xmas. DH thinks the problem lies with me ...

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 30/09/2018 21:23

Bumping my own thread.. maybe it should be in relationships but I really would appreciate some help. Feel like I’m on my own and in danger of pissing everyone else off but I can’t deny how I feel.

OP posts:

GreenMeerkat · 30/09/2018 21:30

What sort of things does he do to make you worry?

fruitshot · 30/09/2018 21:34

I dunno OP, I think you should trust your gut.
Sadly, kids, although adults, will be kids.
What are his parents like? Any more back ground on him?

RandomMess · 30/09/2018 21:44

Can you reframe it as acting to keep your DD close enough that you can be there for her when she realises?

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 01/10/2018 07:08

He goes everywhere with her and if he can’t he checks on where she is all the time.He checks her phone and tracks her whereabouts on an app. She’s fine with this
He’s very close to his family and very rigid about arrangements- seeing them comes before anything else socially.
He asks her things like has she been to the gym and what has she eaten. DH thinks this is just chatting but I think is controlling.
Anyway, I’m after how to deal with this as it’s starting to cause tensions between me and DH

OP posts:

Mmmmdanone · 01/10/2018 07:13

He sounds awful and yes, lots of red flags. Just be there for your DD. Hopefully she will see the light.

Mmmmdanone · 01/10/2018 07:14

How long have they been together?

HalloumiGus · 01/10/2018 07:16

He sounds awful! But all the more reason to stay close to your daughter. Some day she might need an exit strategy.

Mmmmdanone · 01/10/2018 07:25

Could you have a gentle word with DD about his overinvestment in her whereabouts and food intake? Maybe she has a few doubts but isn't taking them seriously enough. Obviously you don't want to alienate her but let her know you've noticed these things and are concerned. As for your DH maybe don't discuss it with him if it's causing problems between you. If he doesn't see a problem he's no use to your daughter or you so just leave him out of it.

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 01/10/2018 10:12

They’ve been together a few years and she seems content. But how do I cope with family gatherings etc. I’m getting anxious because there’s quite a few coming up at the moment and DH always wants him there. I’m worried my true feelings are starting to show

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 01/10/2018 10:13

I have mentioned it to her but she just laughs it off

OP posts:

Mmmmdanone · 01/10/2018 10:25

In that case I think you just have to try and make the best of it. She's old enough to decide who she wants to be with. If its a mistake and you're there to help her. In the mean time if it was me I think I'd just try and be pleasant to him. It will be hard but you don't need to be too nice, just nice enough!

3WildOnes · 01/10/2018 10:27

I don’t think those things are necessarily red flags. It really depends on the context and tone. My best friend and I can track each other on our mobiles, we set it up years ago. I can’t with my husband about what I eat and what exercise I do. I also wouldn’t cancel arrangements with my family, after my husband and children they are my priority. I think a man who values his family is a good thing.
Either way, like you said it doesn’t really matter whether or not you like him, your daughter has chosen to be with him. Try and see his good points. No one is all good or all bad we are mostly shades of grey. Try and find some common interests to talk about.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/10/2018 10:29

I think just having the conversation helps, "Controlling men do this, then they escalate it to this, then this." So that she can see for herself that he is following a recognised pattern. For instance, point out that controlling men isolate people from friends and family. Say stuff like, "Well when he starts discouraging you from coming round to ours or going to see Sarah, then you have to worry," with a tinkly little laugh. Hopefully she will recognise the behaviour.

With DD's ex boyfriend I found it easier to say, "Well he's a nice lad but maybe he's not right for you."

What is your husband's behaviour like? My Dad was kind of benevolently controlling, if there is such a thing. My sister landed herself with a complete crazy jealous psycho by mistaking his behaviour for being similar to my dad's.

MrsJayy · 01/10/2018 10:34

Maybe she tracks him too I am in no way defending him but perhaps this is what they are both like ? I think you need to swallow your feelings down stop talking about him to your husband and when you are with him be civil be polite but blank him out then you will get through it, you might need to deal with this man for a long time grandchildren might come along you have to stop giving him headspace, just look out for and support your Dd you don't have to like him.

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