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Feeling like you don’t match your life?

13 replies

Teggle · 29/09/2018 10:11

Does anyone else experience this?

I often look around and don't have a clue how I got here, it’s a little unnerving sometimes.

I come from a very rough estate where people don’t tend leave, or get out I should say. My mum committed suicide when I was young and so my brother and I went to live with my dad and his wife. My brother had a different dad and was really pushed out of the family, he turned to drugs and crime and he too committed suicide.

I felt very left out of my dad’s family so got stuck in at school. I had great teachers who let me stay behind in class to get my reading done and encouraged me to join lots of clubs.

My dad then passed away so I moved away to go to university as there was nothing left for me where I grew up. I did an undergrad, a masters, a PhD and a professional course. I then landed a career that I never thought would be a possibility.

I’m surrounded by posh colleagues who come from very well off backgrounds. Sometimes I’ll listen to their conversations about where they’ve holidayed or where they go home to and it’s all so foreign to me. The people I deal with on a daily basis assume I am one of those posh people and so treat me differently to how those who know my background do.

I’ll then go home and I have a DH who is very kind and looks after me but I don’t know why. He genuinely cares about my day and how I am and I still find it really odd to this day, despite 8 years of marriage.

I probably haven’t done a very good job at explaining what I mean. I’m very grateful for how things have worked out but have no idea how it happened or why it did. There’s always that fear of losing everything too, so I don’t let myself get comfortable.

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
MsForestier · 29/09/2018 10:17

Yes, a bit. Parents were emotionally absent, really due to their own difficulties. Threw myself into my studies too - something to cling on to.

I found compassionate based mindfulness helpful - am using a workbook to work through feelings. I also worry everything will go belly up.

sazzle27 · 29/09/2018 10:19

I am bey sorry for your losses..
Whilst i havent had direct experience of what you are describing, i Was reading something like this - have a google for "imposter syndrome".

Counselling can help - daily affirmations of being worthy of your life. Your DH sees something in you that you cant see in yourself, but that does not mean it isnt there. You wouldn't be in the job youre in if you werent the person they wanted.

All in all... many people feel like this, but due to a lack of open chat about it, people feel alone in the fact that they feel it!

sazzle27 · 29/09/2018 10:19

www.facebook.com/TEDEducation/videos/1797353593652392/

Thisnis the video i saw

MsForestier · 29/09/2018 10:19

I think part of it is feeling that it could have gone another way for me. But I also think that everyone has something to worry about, even if it appears that they have the perfect life.

Gammeldragz · 29/09/2018 10:24

Yeah I get a bit of that sometimes. I grew up in caravans with hippy parent, then in council flat with parents being alcoholics and selling drugs. Had my first child at 20 with a heroin addict...

I now live in a beautiful village in a fairly posh area (though we're still poor and renting), I'm at university and have a career plan. I'm happily married (to my former heroin addict!).

I feel like I don't fit in with my family who haven't changed much, but I don't feel like everyone around me either... It's not that I don't feel worthy, just don't feel like I fit in anywhere really.

peridito · 29/09/2018 10:27

OP that does sound very hard . You sound isolated . I'm guessing you don't have friends to share this with .

I wouldn't normally recommend a talking therapy but it does seem as though you need outside input ( oh dear terrible wording ! ) to address your feelings of not being worth it/lack of confidence .

Flowers
Waddsup12 · 29/09/2018 10:28

I'd get some counselling to integrate your outer & inner selves. Imposter syndrome is a thing too. It's easier to be if there isn't an inner tussle to fit in without having quite all the tools that come from a secure childhood.

I've had bits of help with this over the years & it's worth it.

MsForestier · 29/09/2018 10:29

Look at all you've built Teggle Flowers

bluetrampolines · 29/09/2018 10:32

I've had a hard couple of years and I feel the same. But, I've opened up to a lot of people who have in turn shared their woes. I think everyone feels the way you describe to some level.

Teggle · 29/09/2018 10:41

Thank you for the replies.

That’s exactly it Gammel, it’s a feeling of not fitting in anywhere as opposed to not feeling worthy. I don’t identify with the people in my old life but then I struggle to see myself as fitting in with my new life too.

It’s good to know others feel like this too, although I’d prefer it if none of us did, it is comforting to know I’m not alone.

I had therapy in school and when I started university. It wasn’t really optional so I went along each week and found it entirely pointless unfortunately. I do get that it works for other people but it didn’t help me at all.

The video makes a lot of sense, sazzle. I feel completely suited to my career and confident in my abilities but at the same time like someone’s going to tell me I don’t belong there.

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 29/09/2018 13:02

I think talking therapies only really work if you find the right person to talk to. You'll probably get as much value reading about other people here and reading about stuff but a really good person makes the whole process quicker.

Camomila · 29/09/2018 15:40

I’m sorry for your losses teggle Thanks

I too grew up on an estate and threw myself into education to ‘get out’.
I think what helped me is that DH and my two best mates from uni also came from normal/WC backgrounds...so being ‘professionals’ is not something that’s came as naturally to us as others...

Bit of an odd suggestion but have you ever considered volunteering with something like aim higher (I think that’s what it’s called)...there was a girl working in Sainsburies yesterday and studying neuroscience and she was talking about her bursary ‘because my parents are poor’ to her colleague and I just really wanted to say to her than I’ve been exactly where she’s been.

sazzle27 · 30/09/2018 09:57

Seeing the video was a lightbulb moment for me too!
Think my counsellor said there was a bit of anxiety thrown in to it all as well but cant quite remember what she said Blush

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