Am I being oversensitive or is my mother seriously PA

[Singingtherapy]

I'm 50 and have 20 years experience in healthcare. I'm a qualified midwife and health visitor. My 83 year old mother has, in my opinion, never reconciled the fact that I'm a hcp with the attitude she likes to cling on to.That I know absolutely nothing about anything! So her way round it is to take every opportunity to present a 'fact' about my area of knowledge and then disregard me if I contradict it. Eg dm: 'pregnant women can't eat xyz'. me: 'they actually can now'. Dm, with a hint of tinkly laugh, 'no they definitely can't, any doctor will tell you that, it's the worst thing'. Seriously no exaggeration it happens pretty close to every time I see her. Is it normal that this winds me up so much at my age?!

Yes I think it's normal to be wound up by that behaviour from your mum. She is trying to get a rise out of you because toxic people feed on other people's emotional reactions. It's understandable you are upset that your own mother, who is meant to understand you and support you, not only fails to meet your needs but enjoys winding you up.

Yes, she’s trying to wind you up so YANBU

Perhaps ignore her statements or questions and change the subject. If she insists, tell her straight that you’re not going to engage with her on any topics related to your profession.

'Oh, Mum, it's a shame you can't keep up to date. Never mind dear...'

Treat patronising with patronising.

By answering her, your feeding her odd behaviour. Ignore, and if she continues, leave.

you're

"Yes, a lot of old people still believe that."

I’d tend to think if an 84yo was randomly mentioning pregnant women (with no other context) then she’s doing it solely to wind you up. Which doesn’t speak well of her.

I agree with PP, she wants a fight, I wouldn’t give her one.

My mum doesn’t listen to my computing advise, but similarly i’m shocking at listening to her teaching advise.
It’s not pa on our part.. just that we don’t always want each other’s advise..

Just tinkly laugh back and say “oh I understand that those who aren’t professionally qualified might still think that”.

Annoying woman!

You mean the PA can still continue once you are 50 years old and your mother is 83?! Fucks sake, I was hoping that I didn't have many years of this left and that it would sort of dwindle out!

I wouldn't say there's absolutely no context but she finds a way of bringing it into conversations. Last week it was a friend she was talking about who'd had minor surgery on his leg and was going on holiday in a couple of weeks. She announced that he wouldn't be allowed to fly and disputed me when I said he would be fine. Flying post op is a dvt risk but the minor nature of the procedure and the recovery time made it ok. I don't claim to be an expert on many things . But I worked with post op patients for years. It's just a fact that my knowledge base is greater than people without that experience.

Nah sorry lookat it won't be stopping any time soon!

No, I don’t think you’re being sensitive. Don’t rise to it.

Sorry to say this but I get the hint that your dm seems to distrust or resent your career choice. I think most of us are proud of our healthcare worker family and friends

"What a shame some people refuse to move with the times and accept things change with more research."

She sounds really annoying.

It never ends. My 90 year old Grandmother and 66 year old mother can still push each other's buttons. And frequently do! I think my Grandma sees it as akin to crosswords and Countdown - mental agility training.

"Really, how interesting. Anyway, little joe scored at football last saturday and we're having broccoli for dinner".

Don't feed her your emotions.

I think some mothers (mine) just always like to think they know more than their children. On one memorable occasion my mother told me "you know absolutely nothing about higher education". I work in higher education.

"Yes, a lot of old people still believe that."

^^
This everytime she says something incorrect. Then you will push her buttons and wind her up instead.

My mother is the same. I am a vet, in my later 40s, mother mid-70s. She hasn’t had paid employment since she was 20 and then as a secretary (nothing wrong with that, just for qualification context). But because she grew up on a farm, thinks she knows all about modern veterinary medicine.

I think the issue is almost a jealousy one for her. Age, sex, education etc meant that university and what was a very male profession at the time, weren’t open to her. And somehow, instead of being proud of my achievements, she manages to turn it into a competitive thing.

My Mother is the same. I can't actually speak to her anymore. She find fault in 90% of the comments I make. It's utterly draining.

I think that's it america practically the identical situation and I do think it's jealousy. It's really sad. I've got two teenage daughters and just can't imagine feeling the urge to compete with them.

katy isn't there a huge difference between not wanting advice and actively disputing it. I don't want or need advice about caring for a dog because I don't have one. But if a vet friend told me that dogs could eat porridge, and I'd always assumed they couldn't, my response would be 'oh really, how interesting '. Not 'I think you'll find you're mistaken dear'.

If this is the single sticking point in your relationship and interactions then you do have quite a lot of control over its ability to cast a shadow over the pair of you.

If she brings up a health thing, let it go. Don't correct her. Then she won't feel the need to "correct" you back. It's possible that it's an area she is interested in and she isn't feeling all that different from you in the passive aggressive stakes. In the sense she might feel that you go out of your way to contradict her every time she opens her mouth about something medical. I'm not saying that is what you are doing, I'm saying it's what it might feel like to her if you look at it through her lens.

It's worth doing just to see if this is a single glitch the pair of you have, or if it is merely a visible symptom of something more difficult to resolve. She'll find something else to pick at you about if there is something of real note lurking under the surface of the relationship. If she doesn't... great. You can both enjoy your time together by avoiding the single trip wire into insta-irritation that exists.

I'm a TEFLer, (30 years) so I know what it is like to be exposed to a distinct lack of respect for your field and your work by people outside the field. Nobody in my extended family particularly respects what I do compared to the other professions and vocations that feature in the family. Including some who are "real" teachers.

But that's OK, cos I only value informed respect. Informed respect comes from my peers, my students and my clients. I'm only going to get properly upset about a lack of respect for what I do for a living if those people stop giving it to me.

My extended family has other qualities, I love them and I can afford to let the occasional wince making comment to slide, in the name of smooth waters and a happy enough relationship with them. Nobody you are related to can, or will give you all that you want from them, all of the time. If it is just this one relatively small sticking point, you and your mum are probably in the top 25% of parental relationships on the planet. Even that group can have niggles and persistent minor annoyances causing fairly regular friction between them.

If it turns out it's less of a single sticking point, and more "the tip of a ruddy great iceberg"... then a heap of very different advice and support is going to be needed. Cos that's a different animal entirely.

I was actually wondering how to start a thread like this but now I've found one anyway! I'm im 40s with a few health probs. Two young children. mum is a young 72 who constantly bleats on that I'm wasted as I didn't do the career she would've done had she not married at 20 and then had 4 kids... Then never worked. I worked,then had children later, now my family are my priority and I don't have time for bickering about how I never visit or she never sees the children. She would've had more of a bond with the children if she offered to look after them a little to enable me to return to work or picked up from school like other able grandparents. pity me pensioner saying life is passing her by and apparently living off pennies yet manages several holidays abroad...Oh and everything I do regarding the care of my children is wrong. Rant rant rant!!