I've lurked about here for ages. Have an account I've not logged into for ages, and felt like posting just now but it felt as if I had to run through hoops to try and log into my account lol.
Am just feeling really sorry for myself. It's as if everything is going wrong for me and mine but I'm constantly supporting everyone else. Like I'm a sounding board for everyone else's problems but when was the last time anyone asked me how I was? You know? I felt like just saying to everyone today why don't you all just fuck off, sort out your own shit and leave me be but I wont. Because, well I don't know why. I just don't like to hurt or upset people so instead I'll just let them hurt me. My dad died recently and do dyou kow, no one has even asked me how I am. Apart from my mum. But the other day I was listening to family (in law) saying how shit it was that something very very minor had happened to another family member (in law) and "such and such" has not even asked how they are! You know I felt like saying, well yes I know how that feels!! None of you have asked me how I am!! But I wont. Because I'm scared incase it causes some sort of ruccus, or an issue, or I just come across as a bitch.
I've said to my husband and he knows but its all just a case of not wanting to rock the boat, anything ofr and easy life an yeah . Just forget about it is our mantra. For the last 20 years. You'd think after that time I would at least get a "how are you doing"?
It just festers up inside me and I need to learn to let it go and just get on with it but I am really struggling now. How do you be all sweetness and light when you know they dont give a shit about you. Birthdays! for example. I always get a card off MIL but not any other the sil/bils. Or a text. Or any sort of acknowledgement. Yet every year I make sure to text them, send a card, get a gift. I feel like just saying fuck it. But then I KNOW I will be the arse because, well why have I stopped doing it, is there a problem? I cant hardly say well you know I just thought fuck it eh? Because they always get for the kids. My Kids. So i have to at least aknowledge from them don't I. And My husband gets a card/txt/ whatever. It just me who doesn't. And its not even as if there's any fall out, there's not. Everything is hunky dory.
Anyway, I dont even kow why I'm posting here. I'll prob not even post it because I'm alwaysy worried to do that incase someone recognised me! Which is why I usually just lurk and read the advice. And I also get now, why when people post things with crappy punctuation and stuff that this is why!!! The amount of times I've looked up from the keyboard and noticed it looks like gooblydegook then tried to correct my spelling is unreal!! Jeez I'm really wanting to post this but im also thinking ahead to tomorrow when I see it in chat and get really embarassed because I dont do this but I just needed to offload and I'm hoping nobody reads or posts and its just like a diary or something