Today my blood pressure has been really high for me I went out this morning and collapsed on the way back and needed to be helped home. My blood pressure then was 158/114 and my heart rate 120. Since then its fluctuated a lot the upper number has gone low but the lower one is staying over 100. I rang GP surgery and was told the lower number doesn't matter, and the upper one isn't really that high either. Because of dysautnomia my blood pressure varies massively but doesn't usually stay high for long periods like this, but today is very hard for me. I'm feeling very weighed down and like a massive weight is about to drop on my head.
In June I booked a holiday and decided to get a grip on my anxiety and in some ways it was a success but I've been forced to cancel my holiday. I'm just not physically or mentally well enough. I've been trying to concentrate on positives but today it's just too hard. I feel an utter failure.
Last month the inquest was held into my godmother (and very close friend) suicide and, what she did was published in detail - I didn't find her but because of that article I can picture her, every night I see her when I close my eyes. I know she had told the mental health team she was going to die that day but they didn't turn up for her appointment. They'd rung her to say they weren't allowed to support "just bereavement" (her diagnosis of bipolar had changed to borderline (and she was discharged from the services she'd been seen by almost all her life) with the death of her parents from the cancer six months before which she herself had been diagnosed with weeks before her death) and she needed to phone cruse or Samaritans. She attempted after that and was found and taken to hospital where they said they'd see her the following morning at home (she'd told them she was going to end her life if they let her go) and they didn't turn up, no phone call, nothing. She was found by a friend that evening. That and her distress at my lack of church attendence was in her note and people locally have mentioned it to me. The coroner was angry at how she'd been treated by the crisis service - they were there and the GP who referred her (crisis service here requires a referral) and they said bereavement wasn't part of their job as it wasn't illness "just circumstance". I didn't go. I couldn't face it. If I had I would have probably been arrested because I wouldn't have contained myself. I knew she was hurt by my lack of attendance, she knew why I struggled physically to attend but now her family and everyone else knows too 
I've contacted cruse (I lost two people to suicide within six months) but they said I'm too distressed to see them. There have been other deaths as well. It's been a very hard year.