How to tell children about Cancer

[KeepCalm]

Am putting this here for traffic sorry.

Cancer is upon us and about to massively affect our lives.

Does anyone have any advice regards how to tell the children?

I'll pop to Maggie's centre later but Amazon books are sadly lacking.

They're 15,12 & 10.

Thank you

Nobody?

Sorry, mine was only 3 when I was dx so we kept it very vague.

At those ages you are better off telling them straight, being prepared for questions about whether the person with cancer will die.

Mcmillan do a couple of booklets on how to talk to teens and children about cancer.

DH had testicular cancer earlier this year. DD was 12 at the time and we didn't tell her until after the operation had confirmed that it was cancer and he was about to start chemo.

She knew what cancer was and was understandably upset. We both sat with her for a long time and answered her questions as honestly as we could.

We told her that the cancer had been removed and he was having the chemo as a preventative measure and she seemed ok. She did however access counselling through the school and she continued to ask questions. McMillan nurses were fab and gave us a booklet for her to read, and said they would be available if she wanted to talk to them.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not a professional, but having been a child at the age of your youngest in this situation I would say that you need to be honest. Do not underestimate the resourcefulness of children in picking up bits of conversations, doing their own research and finding out anyway.

This happened to me and I could never tell my parents as I knew they didn't want me to know and I didn't want to hurt them more. It has left me really panicky and anxious and with low level constant worry about my family's health - even when there is no need.

Be honest and answer their questions - don't promise things are all going to be OK if they are not, but give yourselves space to all cry together and share emotions.

I am not a professional, but hope this helps somewhat sending you all the best.

I was 10 or 11 when my Grandad was diagnosed & 16 when my Dad had his first diagnosis.

I think with Grandad Dad just explained to me that it was cancer & that he'd need treatment which would mean he would be in & out of hospital.

With Dad's he just came out with it but I already knew it was on the cards. There was only the 2 of us so he went through everything with me & arranged a meeting for us with his nurse (who was lovely).

When he had his 2nd diagnosis at the start of last year I explained to my children that Grandad wasn't well, explainded the type of cancer he had & why/how it was making him poorly & why the chemo & stem cell transplant would make him poorly whilst it happened but would ultimately make him better (the older 2 although only 6 & 7 at the time are the sort of children who required a full explanation).

for you

It does somewhat depend who has cancer (a parent or a grandparent or a sibling, the impact of each would be quite different). My children's grandmother died of cancer when they were 5, 9 and 11. She wasn't an elderly grandparent and was very fit and active until a matter of weeks before diagnosis, so it was a shock, but still easier to process than a parent or sibling.

I agree they'll know whst cancer is, but the younger two especially might have misconceptions. Just sit them down and tell them when you have plenty of time to devote to listening to them. As others say be prepared to answer difficult questions honestly, especially about whether they will die. With my children's grandmother we unfortunately had to say yes, she will die. It was very hard, but being honest made it easier for them to deal with when she did die.

Be prepared for any reaction from tears and hysterical upset to apparent indifference - they process things differently and sometimes apparent indifference hides deeper feelings than screaming.

Speak as honestly and age appropriate as you can. You may need to talk to them separately.

My eldest son was just before his 16th birthday when diagnosed with a brain tumour. His brother only 13.

It all happened very very quickly, youngest son went to school and by 11 am I was in hospital with my eldest where he stayed for 6 months.

We answered every question with as much honesty as we could. We were led by both children as their needs were different.

Youngest son was very frightened of seeing his brother in hospital. We set up Skype and they kept their bond talking every day (if eldest son was able to). We kept his brothers visits to a minimum (a lot of times he couldn't visit as most school aged children were not allowed on the ward due to Noroviris risk).

Don't be frightened of showing tears or anger. Give them the words that they can use.

I told my sons they could swear all they liked at cancer. F word was acceptable when talking about it. It gave us all a word that expressed our anger, fear, tears.

My youngest son wanted to know the reality of what was happening. My eldest (who was the one with cancer) wanted some reality but to always talk about hope and the future (even when he knew he was not going to survive). Each of your children will have different needs and you will learn them as you go along.

Give them space to express their fears, their anger, their tears.

My youngest wanted to go to school as normal, it was his escape. He told very few of his friends what was going on. It was his way of dealing with it at that time. We offered him counselling but it was 4 years after his brothers death that he felt ready to accept counselling help.

It's a difficult frightening time for an adult and more so as a child.

If the person affected is very much older it can be accepted as part of the circle of life. If the person affected is much younger then it is very difficult to express the fairness of any of it.

I'm so sorry that your family is being affected by cancer.

I have had to give that news to my DD twice. Once when she was 6 and again when she was 12. She's now almost 14.

I am pretty sure all your children will know to some degree what 'cancer' is.

I would be open and honest as far as you can but keep the information simple/uncomplicated. I would also consider giving information in stages, so each of them has a chance to process based on their ages, knowledge, personalities etc.

Obviously I don't know your set of circumstances or the nature of your loved one's diagnosis so it is difficult to give specific advice.

I only have 1 DC and you have 3 so you may need to be prepared for each of them to react differently and need different things from you which will be hard.

Our first experience was of a primary diagnosis with the hope that it would be treatable and possibly curable. DD was young and accepted the illness and treatment largely without distress.

Very sadly that hoped for outcome didn't happen so I had to tell DD that despite the teatment the cancer had spread and our loved one would not get better. And that was much more challenging. By this time she was 8.

Our second experience came less than 4 years later and this loved one was given a diagnosis that the tumour was incurable from the outset.

I gave DD the news of the cancer diagnosis but did not tell her immediately that it was incurable. I told her that J would be receiving treatment and this would give more information about the disease. I told her a week or so later that the doctors were able to help J but could not cure the cancer. From there on I just tried to answer her questions as honestly as I could.

The most difficult thing was that so often I didn't have the answer. But I promised DD I would never keep anything from her.

I wish your family well

The Macmillan website has some really useful information on how to talk to children, or anyone with learning difficulties.

It's a horrible path to navigate, but I think most children would rather know, in age appropriate language, the truth of the situation.

I think it depends hugely on the relative involved and the nature of their cancer. I was 7 when my dad had bowel cancer for the first time. I don't think I knew what cancer was, so the word didn't hold the fear that it can do. So as far as I was concerned, he had access operation, he wasn't well and then he was better. It wasn't that big a deal to be perfectly honest.

Obviously your kids are older and will be aware of cancer. If there is a decent prognosis at all, try to remove the fear from the word "cancer" if you can at all. Obviously this won't be your focus if their family member has had an incurable diagnosis.

Best of luck

Thanks all. I was given a McMillan cancer leaflet about talking to teenagers which I'll look at tonight.

It's Grade 3 Breast cancer and I'm their mother.

Chemo will start as soon as we're back from prebooked short holiday that we've been advised to still go on.

Will take all your advice on board thank you.

Wishing you well KeepCalm.

What a difficult time for you all.

I'm sure you will find the right way forward for each of your children, given that it will inevitably be very upsetting for them.

I hope that you feel that you have the knowledge you need for yourself first and foremost because then you will be able to speak with confidence and honesty.

Have you joined any specific support forums? They are great because you have a specific peer group with whom to gain anraetmentd share knowledge and experience as the person going through treatment. You will also get positive stories as well to keep your spirits up!

All my best wishes to you all

Oh keepcalm , I'm sorry you've had this news.
Be as honest and open as you feel you can and they can cope with. It doesn't necessarily work that your eldest is the most receptive, but don't hide information from any of them if you can bear it. It is much scarier for older children to suspect and hear bits, or put 2 and 2 together and get 5. Sending you much strength to beat the fucker

I'm sorry for your news. No advice but

I can’t offer any advice but wanted to say that I am thinking of you

Macmillan are excellent. There’s some very patrionising books out there but I’d avoid them.

I don’t have kids, but I had cancer in my 20s and another family member was ill at the same time. Be as honest as you can be, while being age appropriate.

Remember to look after yourself, you’re a Mum first, always, but let other people take some of the load.

I hope you’ve got some good support and treatment goes smoothly.

During treatment a stranger came up to me in the waiting room and said that she knew I was at the beginning of it all and it was tough, but I’d get through it and things would be good again. Hold onto that

Ask your breast nurse for support. Mine got hold of a book for me which I used to explain it and also has been a great source of personal support, reassurance and laughter.

I also found it useful to tell the school as well so they could let me know of any concerns expressed there.

Sorry to hear that Keepcalm that's very hard. I agree about telling the schools so all their teachers can be warned to make allowances if they need a couple of minutes to themselves or seem more emotional or irritable.

I’m sorry to hear of your diagnosis, I can’t imagine how hard telling them will be. I would expect kids of that age to turn to google at some point after being told.

For anyone reading with young children there’s a good video called ‘why Charlie Brown why’, it’s about childhood cancer with a happy ending but explains quite a lot