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Mother daughter bonds

19 replies

BELL218611 · 27/09/2018 03:18

We spend endless and sleepless nights taking care of them. We carry them in us for 9 months. We nurture them from our milk and would and will do anything for them. So to say the connection and bond a child and the mother have is without question. But sometimes the child prefers others or shows more love for others and yes...it hurts.
I'm a single mother. Got out of an abusive relationship for my daughter. To show her that women are strong and capable. To set a solid foundation and example for her and for myself. I try to do everything in my power for her. If not today or tomorrow but I try to provide her with whatever she desires if it's reasonable and she knows shes my universe and beyond. That doesn't mean I dont disciplin. There are rules and manners and I'm strict when need be but my priority is my daughter. Shes 7. But it hurts and in s big way when she says she loves others more. Shes very attached to her older cousin who she looks up to and there was a phase she would say she loves her more but loves me too. I couldnt understand this but remembered how I was fascinated by my older cousins although I dont remember loving them more then my mother. And now she always kisses me and says I love you but expressed her views how she loves her grandmother "my mom" a little bit more then me. She was upset that this made me sad and said I know I should love you more then anyone but I love grand a bit more. Am I being too sensitive?

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3luckystars · 27/09/2018 03:31

I think you are being too sensitive yes. I think you are expecting too much maturity from a 7 year old brain.

Children say all sorts of things that could be hurtful but they don’t fully understand what they are saying.

It’s hard to get the balance right but you have a job to do and are not your daughters friend, it’s ok if she doesn’t love you all the time. (especially if she doesn’t want to do her homework)

Hopefully she will realise when she is older, all the things you did for her and be grateful to you. (This May take another 20 years though)

Limpshade · 27/09/2018 03:34

Please tell me she is saying this to you out of the blue and you are not constantly quizzing her about who she loves the most! I'd find that very odd.

Yes it probably does feel a little hurtful. Kids do go through "flavours of the month" (whoever they had fun with recently or who's treated them to something they like, etc) but you'll always be no.1 in the long run.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/09/2018 04:12

It will have a very detrimental affect on her having those discussions and..sorry..but she will love you even less if you demand it. Your live is nonconditional..given with nothing expected in return. You need to get your tank filled in other places as its not your dds job to fill it. To be honest if you continue like this your dd will be gone as soon as she is old enough to go as that sort of talk will build up huge resentment her. Let her love whoever she likes. Be a constant, nondemanding presence in her life and she will love you forever.

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florenceheadache · 27/09/2018 04:43

if nothing else this type of talk and "measurement of love" will prime her to hurt you where it hurts the most as a teen.
please take all she says with a huge huge grain of salt and don't expect to hear how grateful she is until at least 25 years.

Thomlin · 27/09/2018 04:55

I remember being about that age and saying to my (also single) mum that I wanted to go to the bonfire on fireworks night with my friends dad instead of her because he was more fun. She got visibly really hurt by this and cried at the kitchen table in front of me. This was quite a lot to deal with at that age, when in my head I was just telling the truth (however hurtful).

I have an 8 year old and sometimes I'm her favourite person, sometimes she can't stand me. I love the very bones of her just the same. I think a mother-daughter bond is a funny thing and isn't always how we imagined it to be. Teenage years for example I'm fully aware she will probably hate me, and can only hope she "comes back to me" as an adult with her own kids when she understands why I do the things I do Grin

I think you have to toughen up a little bit if you're going to get through the years to come. It hurts a bit when she says she'd rather be at fun disney dads than spend the weekend with me, but deep down I understand kids are fickle and deep down she still loves me, we still have a bond, and the only thing that really matters is that I'd die myself to keep her safe, wether that feeling is returned doesn't really matter.

Poulnabron · 27/09/2018 06:50

Why are you having these conversations about who is most loved?

iniquity · 27/09/2018 07:01

Children say mean things without meaning it. Looking back I cringe thinking about the mean things I’ve said as a child, particularly to loved ones. As a parent or grandparent I think it’s normal to give more love than you expect back. I wish I’d been more loving to my grandma as a child. As an adult I now have memories of all the love she gave me and it wasn’t always reciprocated. However you have to look at it as a paying forward situation. The love you give her is being absorbed. Hopefully you will get it back at a later date. If not she will pass it onto someone else like her own children.

Squeegle · 27/09/2018 07:06

It is hurtful but you have to toughen up. She does love you; but there is a lot she doesn’t understand or can articulate about your bond. But you are the adult and have to handle it maturely. And when she is a teen she will say a lot worse I reckon. You will have to let it run off you.

BELL218611 · 27/09/2018 08:35

Very well explained. Thank you. 😊 it's true

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BELL218611 · 27/09/2018 08:53

To all the ladies that replied. Thank you. Everyone has their own take and experience to deal from and any advice is always good. For those of you asking if I ask her myself or demand to know who she loves more, no I dont. Lol these are spontaneous thoughts she shares with me.

A few misunderstood my point and stated that I'm trying to fill up the empty space by her attention or measuring her love. That's far from it. I think demanding love in any way from anyone is never healthy. No I dont ask her or pressure her.
Some of you critiqued and some gave heartwarming advice and their own stories. It's true, as parents we arent perfect and there are times we get hurt by what our kids say, it can be frustrating but that's the beauty of this relationship. We learn and develop every day. Sometimes thoughts get stuck and it just feels good to share to get some healthy feedback. Things we already know, and understand. Such as for me to remember how I was found of my grandmother growing up when ever dhe visited. Favoring her over my mother. Wonders of childhood 😊

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corythatwas · 27/09/2018 08:54

You do need to be very careful here or you risk driving her away when she gets older, or (worse) making her so worried about your feelings that she is afraid to start her own adult life when the day comes.

As an adult now, your response should be a cheerful "that doesn't matter, I love you and always will do". Don't encourage these conversations, never ask her who she loves most, but if she does bring it up, just reassure her that loving people is absolutely fine and not something you have to worry about. Let her sense rather than hear that your love is unwavering and that you are strong enough for both of you.

Thomlin put it extremely well: "the only thing that really matters is that I'd die myself to keep her safe, wether that feeling is returned doesn't really matter"

She is not there to make you feel good about yourself, that is too much to lay on a child. You need to model independent and resilient adulthood so that she eventually feels secure enough to grow up into an independent and resilient adult herself. And if you don't feel it, then you fake it.

And try not to let your own thoughts dwell on the sacrifices you have made in the ordinary care of your child. You chose to have her, so you chose to do that work, she did not choose, she is not the one who has to feel grateful. She probably will, anyway, one day, because most children do, but it will be an awful lot easier for her to feel that gratitude if she doesn't sense that you are thinking about it.

LittleHares · 27/09/2018 09:01

Definitely overthinking it OP.
My 7 year old doesn't give me the time of day when her df is around.
However it's because I'm the boring one who nags her and makes her tidy up Grin
Other people are always more exciting than plain old reliable mum, it doesn't mean she loves you less.

SlB09 · 27/09/2018 09:01

As pp has said, once into her mid 20's she will appreciate all you have given her x

BELL218611 · 27/09/2018 09:04

corythatwas yes thats what I always say that it doesnt matter who she loves more. If I was to dwell on my sacrifices or past if she myself sick and never move forward. I dont. I've never made her feel like wise or expect her to feel grateful because I choose to have her. My point was we as parents know how much we love our children and how they love us in their own way. Sometimes frustrations do arise for whatever reason and that's fine. Sometimes just sharing and getting advice is fine.

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ApolloandDaphne · 27/09/2018 09:09

The fact that she can talk about loving other people means you have done your job as a mother right, She is able to form secure attachments to others in a safe and appropriate way and this will stand her in good stead as she develops other relationships throughout her life. She is testing out how to love people and be loved in return and you are still the safe rock she comes back to to discuss these experience and get validation. She loves you, no doubt about that.

corythatwas · 27/09/2018 09:14

There is also a very great pleasure in seeing an adult child step out in life and know that you made that possible, that you've given them the confidence to walk forward.

BELL218611 · 27/09/2018 09:25

Exactly

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BELL218611 · 27/09/2018 09:26

ApolloandDaphne very true yes 👏

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TownHall · 27/09/2018 09:38

I think you overreacted and are overthinking. You also run the risk of guilt tripping her to say what you want to hear in future in case she makes you sad. That's not good.
Be confident that you are a great Mum and stop worrying about this.

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