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Original poster

Historic abuse - what would you do?

13 replies

Dancergirl · 26/09/2018 15:12

I was touched inappropriately by my piano teacher over a 2-3 year period in the 1980s. I since found out that my older sister had suffered similar.

The b***d died in the late 80s otherwise I would have made a claim against him now.

I did a bit of digging around online and came across another music teacher with a similar name so I emailed him. It turns out my piano teacher was his uncle.

I don't know what to do now. I do have a need to get it out in the open - this teacher had hundreds of pupils over the years so goodness knows how many others suffered. But on the other hand, is it fair on his (assuming) innocent nephew to impart this horrible news?

OP posts:
Welshmaiden85 · 26/09/2018 15:15

I’m not sure. Have you had counselling? I wonder if a charity might be able to offer some specialist advice.

mrsrhodgilbert · 26/09/2018 15:37

I had exactly the same experience in the late 70s, different instrument though. It was almost a joke amongst the girls he taught. Looking back he definitely groomed us from primary school into secondary. It was so widely known about I’m amazed it never came out but they were different times. He must be long dead now but I know he had a son. It has never occurred to me to contact him.

What would you want to happen if you contacted the nephew?

HoleyCoMoley · 26/09/2018 15:39

That must be very traumatic for you but there's nothing to be gained by contacting the nephew, perhaps you could speak to your g.p. and see if counselling might help.

AnoukSpirit · 26/09/2018 16:42

You might find NAPAC helpful. Their helpline details are on their website, if you wanted to talk to somebody about where you might go forward from here.

I can understand why you want to expose this to the light so to speak, but I can't see that unleashing it on his relative will help you. I honestly doubt there is any reacton you could get that wouldn't leave you feeling worse.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 26/09/2018 16:47

anouk I actually did contact NAPAC about 3 or 4 years ago, they replied by email but I didn't follow anything up.

I am just so angry that he got away with it.

OP posts:
mrsrhodgilbert · 26/09/2018 17:04

If it is still having such an impact so many years later maybe you need to contact them again. You mention making a claim against him if you could, is that why you’re thinking of approaching his nephew? If he did indeed abuse so many pupils his nephew may already know or maybe he was a victim too. Whatever, it’s not the nephews fault, he shouldn’t be the outlet for your anger.

Giriffraff · 26/09/2018 17:06

I understand your pain but his nephew is innocent. I can't see what telling him would do really. Have you had counselling?

Original poster
Dancergirl · 26/09/2018 17:33

Yes you're right, thank you for making me see sense.

I haven't had counselling (well not about that). Maybe I should consider it. Just so much going on in my life I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with it now.

OP posts:
something2say · 26/09/2018 18:56

Hello.

I understand how you feel, as I was abused by my mother and she has never been called to account for it. I went through a stage where it made me very angry indeed. What helped actually was venting it every time it rose and I eventually got over it that way. That's what I learnt....have it out every time it rises up and then it will eventually have said all it needs to say....

In your case though, have you considered going to the police about it? Maybe there are others who've already done so? Yes he's dead so nothing will ever happen to him, but you will have done something, stepped forward with the rest of us. I did it, I rang them up one night, watching the Catholic Church victims on TV and thinking, right I've had enough of them all lying to cover it up. I was spoken to, to,d the who,e story to the officer, and he went away to discuss with his team, and nothing happened but it felt good to do it. It felt like what happened mattered, and I like doing being one of the stats, one of the tidal wave of people standing up.

So if you want to do this, good. Otherwise have it out every time it angers you. Why not? You don't have to tell the nephew.

Canshopwillshop · 26/09/2018 19:13

I know how you feel OP. I was abused by my uncle from the age of 5 to 8. The evil bastard got away with it and lived to the grand old age of 90. I think he clung on to this life because he knew where he was heading afterwards!
I was so angry after his death. My aunt died years before and his son’s never knew why I didn’t go to either hers or his funeral.
I sometimes feel like telling my cousins but haven’t yet. I just want someone to know!
Sorry, not much help but wanted to show support and say ‘me too’.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 26/09/2018 19:56

Thank you for all the supportive posts Smile

something I've never considered reporting to the police, I thought if he's dead there's not much point. If I did, would they be able to tell me if anyone else reported him?

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 26/09/2018 20:19

I think it would be cathartic to report it to the police. Who knows there may be other victims who have come forward. It might help you to feel better if you know you have done something and reported him

HollyBollyBooBoo · 26/09/2018 21:08

Given that the CPS do not charge the deceased what would be the value of reporting it? Unless you think he had co-conspirators who are still alive?

Definitely not your place to tell the nephew, he's completely innocent and he can never ask his uncle all the questions this will raise in his mind.

I would focus on your recovery via counselling.

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