Silly school playground (ish) issue.

[BlingLoving]

I’m not really sure what I need to say about this one because it’s actually a non-problem but it bothers me nonetheless…. Hence the WWYD post.

DH and I have fallen into a group at DS’s school. There’s a big project that DH and I have been involved in previously and that he’s still working on currently. The whole thing is led by a woman who is one of those people who is always sending out invites and suggestions for events and parties and coming up with ideas. Which is tricky for DH and I at the best of time as neither of us are huge socialisers and are happy to just see everyone now and again.

It’s complicated by two things which are kind of a catch 22 situation: 1. the fact that when this woman and I first met we had a lot in common so became quite friendly but it all went pearshaped when we had a fall out over something and she made some pretty outrageous accusations. 2. Her and DH have a hobby in common, but DH is more experienced and connected in it and she’s desperate to be friends with him individually so that they can do this together and share this thing. However, even without the big fall out, DH is not keen because he’s not generally the kind of man who has female friends and because the thought of spending lots of time with anyone he hasn’t known for 20 years is anathema to him.

But she is so freaking persistent. It’s always emails and whatsapps to the group (minus me since the fallout) suggesting social events. And then she’ll contact DH separately as well. DH wants her to go away, as do I, but we don’t want to create issues with the broader group. She’s got the hide of a rhino and is like a bull in a china shop – she’s totally unable to pick up subtle hints when we have tried to politely decline things. (this is what caused the fall out – she was hugely overbearing to me and when I finally pushed back she flipped out).

So basically, do we just keep declining most things and hope she gets the message? Really, I don’t see any alternative but it’s just so incredibly frustrating.

Sorry for ridiculous long post.

I would just keep declining in very short sentences. So you’re not on the WhatsApp group anymore since the fallout, but DH is - is that right?

whatsapp groups (plural)...! . And no, mostly I'm not. So new group created to discuss event x or event y. I'm not on it (although we assume I am also invited). then separate messages to just DH or a much smaller group.

I'm a bit worried that DH will lose it at some point (he has form for that - letting it go and go until he suddenly explodes).

Has the fallout blown over? If you have not actually made friends I would suggest DH says he doesn't think it appropriate to talk to her separately (he could even add a zinger like 'BlingLoving may have forgiven you but I haven't' ).

On the surface, yes, it's blown over. Except for me not getting included on new WhatsApp groups!

Your suggestion made me laugh as when it all happened, she then needed extra help from DH for this school project and at the time she was blanking me every chance she got. It was hilarious because DH couldn't understand why she thought he'd help her when she kept trying to pretend his wife does not exist!! It was pretty funny actually. I don't 'actually know what happened, but I THINK one of the other mums said something to her and she started dialling it back.

Honestly, what it comes down to is that she's not very sensitive or emotionally aware. In retrospect, even though she was the one who behaved really badly, I came to the conclusion that she ultimately was more hurt than anything else because she simply had no understanding of her role in things. I felt sort of sorry for her actually.

To be honest I would just let your DH get on with it then if he is in the WhatsApp groups and you are not! How are you supposed to know what's been happening?

Dh could block her number, feign new number not being given out, just have her on group chat via your number - would that work since she isn't into in you op!!

True . Although I keep getting embarrassed by not knowing what's going on (Dh... introvert... doesn't mention most of the stuff to me until he's irritated because he's had ten messages!)

I would just have a stock decline phrase and keep using it. Don’t waste too much emotional energy on it. She won’t get it.

Something like “sorry, can’t do”.

He could send back a message along the lines of "You are very kind to invite me to X, but I have no interest in attending anything of this sort so it would save both of us time if you no longer invited me to anything. If there is a school-related event that you feel we should know about then sending the information to just my wife will ensure we both hear about it."

It's just polite enough that she can't strop about it, but still direct and unequivocal.

He should message, "You know BlingLoving and I come as a couple right?" This lets her know that she should stop trying to divide the two of you.

Thanks all. I think WelshMaiden has it. The longer message is unfortunately not going to lead to a row free life I think! And Catastic's comment is spot on except.... she's got this passive aggressive thing going on where the implication is that of course I'm always invited, I just don't get on the whatsapp's (which, except for being embarrassed by DH's uselessness on filling me in, doesn't bother me at all!).

It's been very helpful actually having this thread as it's helped to consolidate my thinking in my own mind. Thanks again.