Am I a disordered eater?

[JonnyMcShortnFat]

Have name-changed. I basically have two modes.

1. Realise I'm heavier than I want to be or have an event coming up (usually one which involves seeing my mother who is the major source of my food issues). Start hardcore dieting, eating less than 1200 calories a day, weighing and tracking every single thing I eat and drink (sometimes obsessively), weigh myself every day, cut out whole food groups until I get the result I want/event is over.

1. The switch will flick the other way, I stop weighing myself, eat anything and everything until my clothes don't fit properly and I look and feel like a heifer. I'll remain in denial for weeks until something finally makes me step on the scales and I go back to mode 1.

I swear to fuck I have been gaining and losing the same stone/stone and a half for my entire adult life. It's exhausting and it's taking over my life. I feel like my worth is dictated by what I weigh.

Have just got on the scales and realised that I have gained a stone in a month, since coming back from a trip to see my parents (during which I basically starved myself).

I am completely incapable of moderation. It's all or nothing.

Is therapy worth a try? I can't keep doing this. Can anyone relate?

Yes, it is exhausting. My dysfunction around food has improved as I've got older (I'm now mid fifties) but it's never going to go entirely, I don't think.
At its worst, I did find Overeaters Anonymous (OA) helpful, and although I did not continue with meetings I did learn a lot about how to manage my particular eating disorder (which was mild by anyone's standards, but it was enough to make me miserable) and it shone a bit of a spotlight on some of the mental processes that go on around food for me. 25 years ago, one attended actual meetings, but now I imagine there's a fair amount of information online about it.

Thank you for your post Dolores.

I'll have a look online for the info you mention. Like you, I feel like my food issues are not serious compared to those of others but they do affect my life on a pretty much daily basis. Far too much of my happiness/self worth is dictated by what I weigh and what size my clothes are.

Something needs to change.

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss the things I have personally retained from my attendances at OA. It's a bit long for a post.

Hi, I completely identify with this. I attended a course run by Gillian Riley which was enormously helpful in reframing how I view food, eating, dieting, weight. She runs her seminars on line now and has also published several books which are worth a read.

Not me-railing the OP's thread, but thank you, @alphaechokiwi, I'll have a look at that myself. I've stayed within pretty healthy boundaries for years now, but I'm always aware that I can slip back into madness where food is concerned.

I've been the same for years. I find balanced eating very hard. All or nothing. However, for the last 2 years I've had the mentality. Right I'm just going to keep starting again until I get there. Am on 15/1700 calories a day. High protein and have now sustained weight loss for 6 moths. I also have recorded my weight a lot for years. I compare my self to last year rather than last month as I typically go up around holidays. I've also lowered my target weight loss. Instead of 8 pounds a month I'm aiming for 4. Hope that helps. X

This is me doing well

This is me spiralling out of control.

Yep, not healthy, but your comments suggest you know that.

Getting rid of scales helped me loads during an obsessive phase. Means your inner madwoman doesn’t get the satisfaction of going “ha! You’re heavy and therefore a shit person” or “yippee! Light! You’re more worthy of love when there’s less of you!”

I am exactly the same. I lost a lot of weight (4 stone plus), have gained around 10lbs back. I would be happy to settle at a steady weight about 1/2 stone overweight but be fit, make good but none restrictive food choices, exercise for wellbeing and be a comfy size 12.

I managed this for like 3 months then back to the cycle you describe. Bloody knackering