Nursery want 3 year old DS in a pull-up

[eeekwtf]

I started potty training my DS in May. He's not been perfect, but come a long way. He started nursery this month (a school based one) and has been wetting himself a little on one or two of the 3 days. He also pooed himself once. After speaking to him about it, he's admitted it wasn't an accident, he just can't bear to poo when there are others (adults or children) in the toilet. So basically, he pooed in his pants on purpose!
Nursery are now asking for him to wear a pull up. I'm not sure this is the right approach. We manage at home and out and about without the need for pull ups. On the odd occasion we've used them, (e.g. for a very long car journey) he's regressed after, and had lots of accidents. I'm worried this will undo all his progress.
So as not to drip feed- he has a slight disability (you'd never know it) but this actually doesn't impact him much at all except that he is believed to have a slight sensory issue (no where near enough severe to be SPD). He occasionally likes to poo in his pants ( I have to stop him from running away and hiding) but will generally do it on the toilet. He won't have anyone look or speak to him when he's sitting on the toilet, but is happy to be wiped after.
I don't know what to do. Are pull ups a good idea if we gave up them up in the day months ago? He only wears one to bed.

I am not a poo troll by the way! I just need to make a decision before the morning so have probably been a bit blunt in my description.

Anyone?

Would you put your child back in a pull up?? I don't know what to do.

No I wouldn't.

That's what I think, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to the staff. He's only pooed once, but they had to throw his underwear away because it was so bad. I do sympathise with them, but I worry it will make things worse in the long run.

No, or at least not yet. Id work w them to put in place strategies and review in a month.

What strategies do you think would work?

I think you're best placed to answer that tbf. What works at home? How could it be transferred to a nursery setting.

Well he's basically getting 1:1 care at home, which can't be done at nursery.

Ok but what does that 1:1 care consist of, in toiletting terms? Reminders? Encouragement? Checking?

I wouldn't go back to pull ups. Explain to nursery how he regressed when you used them before. You need to speak with the manager or room senior to get them working with you and supporting your son. So he's had a few accidents, it's nothing they won't have dealt with a 1000 times before. Would their job be easier if no one pooed their pants yes of course but if he poos in a pull up someone still has to take him to get cleaned up and changed so a pull up won't really help in that respect will it? When I worked in a nursery we had one boy who would hold it in rather than use a cubicle with, lets be honest, not much privacy. His mum was concerned he'd get a urine infection or impaction and also about how much ncomfortable he was making himself. The solution was he would tell a staff member when he needed and we'd take him to the disabled toilet and wait outside for him. Yes it was taking a staff member away but no different to if we had to accommodate the needs of another child who needed the disabled facilities

That's a really good idea (re: disabled loo). I'm not actually sure if they have one. The nursery is in a separate block from the school. There's definitely a disabled loo in the main school building, but it's quite a walk.

Could you pull him out of nursery until he was actually trained? Sounds like it’s not the odd accident.

No, I don't think punishing him is the right way to go! Plus I don't think nursery are allowed to refuse him being there.

I actually think this is a poor attitude from the nursery. All of mine potty trained while at nursery and did far better there than at home! Mainly because their key workers were far better at reminding them regularly than me. All weee dry at nursery before they were properly dry at home.

If you are paying the nursery then put your foot down. You're paying for a service and that service includes toileting needs. They are the professionals they need to come up with strategies while he's in their care. Obviously they should consult with you as his parent.

I honestly don't think "put a pull up on" has ever been an effective strategy for potty training! Potty training comes with accidents, that's when you think about how you can help a child. One poo accident is not abnormal or unusual. And wee accidents happen even after a child is fully "trained!"

And all that is from someone who struggled /hated/ cried over potty training so you'd think I'd always suggest the easy option lol

Oh it's also really common at his age to start seeking privacy to poo. I can't believe nursery haven't come across that OR general sensory issues around toileting before!!

Definitely don’t punish. Buy cheap pants and tell the nursery to throw away if necessary. Another option is to put a pull up on over pants so he knows he is wet, but it minimises mess.
In the longer term I would advise trying to achieve a regular bowel regime-perhaps allowing time after breakfast to try and go, so as to minimise the need to poo at school. Lots of kids don’t like to go at school, asking the staff to make sure toilets are as private as possible will also help.
Good luck and don’t worry. Biggest thing imo is to stay fairly low key, remind him that lots of people have accidents-including grown ups!- and to ask for help if needed to clean up, no one will be cross.

Sounds like they're just being lazy to be honest. My friend had his with her daughter (as in; not caring if they soil themselves and making no attempt to try and prevent it from happening). The preschool nursery was supportive and just gloves up and did what needed doing.

Everyone knows if you've got this far you don't turn back over 3 accidents a week!

If it were me I'd speak to the health visitor and then quote their advice, saying this is what you've been instructed and need to follow.

It kind of removes the 'then and us' feel to it.

Don't put a pull up on but do talk to the nursery properly saying what you've said here, and particularly about the fact he doesn't like to use the cubicles if someone else is there. They can deal with that easily.

Sometimes nursery staff have knee jerk reactions when a child has a few accidents- they will have had past parents who have perhaps rushed children into pants when they should have still been in pull ups. They probably assume your son isn't ready. You know that's incorrect so you need to share that info with them.

The solution is to remind him, take him when it's quiet, give him privacy.

I’d be annoyed with the nursery. My daughter is the same age and at the same stage as your son. I feel really aware of the fact that we have a year before school starts when it will be far more difficult for the staff to cope with and probably not really in their remit. Nursery aged children ARE potty training though so staff should be able to cope and actually be really experienced with managing your sons needs (which don’t seem unusual). If your son doesn’t get the practise now when is supposed to? It would bother me that they aren’t taking it in their stride or proposing better ways of managing it which won’t set your son back.

I think you need to have a discussion with the nursery about how things are managed at home. My ds nursery will only have them wearing underpants if they have been completely dry in the day for at least 2 weeks with no accidents. It's difficult for the nursery as they can't have every child in the class having accidents every day as they would just be constantly changing/cleaning up and have no time for anything else. I'm sure they don't mind the odd accident but if it's frequent then that's a different story.

I dropped him off in pants rather than a pull up, but forgot to mention it to them! He was creating such a fuss about going in because "he'll miss me" that I didn't get a chance to talk to them. He's never created a fuss like that. I think they just wanted me to do a quick good bye and be off so as not to make him worse. Well, they'll notice themselves when they take him to the loo. He's been completely dry for the past 4 days, so I think he'll be fine.