Is DH emotionally abusive?

[NCABadger]

This may sound like a stupid question and I think I already know the answer, but years of being treated like this has caused me to question my own reality!

DH is very critical of everything I do. It's constant...if I put something away round the house he will rearrange it and tell me I shouldn't do it like that, if I cook he tells me I'm too messy, he tries to control what I eat and tells me my diet is appalling (it's not and for the record in 39 weeks pregnant and eat a wide variety of foods and love my fruit and veg). He's on a Keto diet (high fat/low carb) and trying to enforce it on me too, but I just don't see it as sustainable or healthy. He criticises me no matter what I cook for our children. They both love fruit and things like pasta dishes, homemade stews with veg, yoghurt etc. all pretty healthy stuff I don't feed them all processed stuff ..even that isn't good enough 🙄. He has told me I'm fat and need to go on a diet. Also that I don't look after myself anymore because I don't wear any make up. I'm pregnant with #3 and finding it a struggle to find time for anything other than a shower and shove my hair up in a bun to be honest!

He also name calls. Tonight he called me 'thick as shit' twice. He started an argument over whether or not to wash the kids hair. They have baths every night as part of routine, but unless they are filthy I do a hairwash normally every other day. He went mental because I wanted to wash the kids hair. I hadn't asked him to help he just started calling me names. He frequently tells me to f off if he's not happy with something I've done and I've been called a stupid c**t too before.

I feel so sad and worried about the effect our relationship will have on the children. I need help to get out of this mess but I literally don't know where to begin. I've tried telling his family what he is like but they don't listen. Whenever I pull him up on his behaviour he will say it's because he's stressed or that he's depressed but I don't see that as an excuse to treat me this way. I'm too embarrassed to speak to my family or friends about how he treats me, they would be shocked I've let it go on for so long.

Really not sure where to go. Apologies for the spelling and bad grammar but it's been good just to get it out however middled...

Yes he is and you know it and yes it will have an awful effect on the kids.

What support on your side of the family do you have?

You'd be surprised at what people already know. Please share this with friends and family. He's not very nice to you from the snap shot you've shared of your life together. When your stressed/depressed do you name call? He does it cause he gets away with it. X

Yes, it is emotional, mental abuse, controlling.

You are pregnant and nearly everything you described is grounds to leave him.

What do you want?I couldn't put up with it and I would want a divorce. I wouldn't want anyone to treat my dog like that -never mind another human being.

Can you tell him -to stop -or you will leave? Have you before? Do you say stop you are abusing me? What is his response? Are you prepared to leave him? It's easy for me to say -yes, leave him, but will you? You know the answer about if this is abuse. Yes, it is and it as the high end.

@Johndoe10 thank you. Unfortunately not that much support family wise. They all hate him (for various different things he's done over the years) and I don't feel like I can open up to them. They think I'm stupid for staying with him so long without even knowing about the verbal/emotional abuse side of things. I just need to find the strength to get him to leave. I have suggested divorce before but he says no and that I am stuck with him because we have a contract and therefore have to put up with each other no matter how destructive. It's like I don't have a choice. We rent the property privately and it's a joint tenancy so he's legally as entitled as me to be here. I wouldn't even know where to begin trying to get him to go. I can't really up sticks as our eldest has just started at the local primary school and the area is lovely and close to my work. Thankfully I have my own car in my name which is solely financed by me so that wouldn't be an issue it's just getting him to take my seriously and actually go. Deep down I don't think he's a bad person I just think he's really messed up and in turn is messing with my head now too and it's worn me down over the years.

@bertielab I've asked him to stop and told him the consequences but he always denies he's said things afterwards or says he was only joking. I often wonder whether because I'm questioning my own reality if what he is doing could be considering gaslighting? I've heard the term and read a bit about it and a lot does ring true with me. Thanks for your reply

I should probably add he wouldn't fight me for custody of the kids as he's as much as said to me on numerous occasions he would never cope with them on his own. He can be a good Dad when he makes an effort but I don't think he realises how his behaviour towards me has an effect on them long term.

Nca I bet you could build bridges with your family. It would take a pretty mean person to turn you away.

Do you have any income of your own? I’d probably make enquiries to see if your eligible for a deposit for another rental as I know a member of my family was told she would be. Is that a possibility?

I’ve been in a EA relationship (thankfully didn’t have kids to him) but sometimes we can’t see the wood for trees and still hang on for those moments when they can be nice. It’s only when I left and when I looked back a couple of months later I thought ‘shit, that was really bad’

I can’t ever imagine my dh calling me names, especially ‘thick as shit’

Dig deep love. Go and try and build some bridges so you can get that support

@Johndoe10 I will try talking to family and go from there. You are right they would never turn me away or not support me through whatever I have to do, I just feel like there would be a bit of an atmosphere of 'i told you so'. They've wanted me to get rid for many years. Thankfully i do have my own income I work full time (just started mat leave this week).

Oh god of course there will be but that would soon pass. Don’t let put you off building your support network up. Your going to need them. Especially when your new baby comes.

Your in a position that a lot of women who want to leave are not. Get your support back then go. Don’t let that fucker speak to you like this any more. He probably thinks you wouldn’t dare leave.

Hun why do you take his shit? I know and completely understand that you have kids but since I'm pregnant I completely understand how emotional it is just on a relaxing day, why doesn't he cook if he doesn't like it? He seems like a pampered prick, I reckon u try and avoid conversations with him ans don't have sex, find yourself a hobby, this is until you work out how you are going to leave him, get evidence of him saying he won't be able to mind the kids by himself incase he threatens you with the kids to make you stay.