Can I become this kind of person? Or am I stuck with the personality I’ve got?

[DieAntword]

I want to be the kind of person who gets up early and sorts everything out for the day early. Instead I’m the kind of person who lingers in bed too long, takes too long over my coffees and then rushes what needs doing on a good day and puts it off on a bad one.

I want to be the kind of person who eats 3 reasonable sized meals a day and has treats a few times a year. Instead I’m the kind of person who sneaks into the kitchen for a snack every time I’m feeling anxious, slightly sad or want to procrastinate.

I want to be the kind of person who makes an effort to get to know the neighbours, who smiles and is friendly with everyone and who is more concerned about making others comfortable than her own discomfort. Instead I’m the kind of person who tries to avoid talking to other people if at all possible because it makes me anxious and when I do talk to them takes the role of someone a bit childish who needs to be coaxed and reassured into conversations or commitments. I never take the initiative and organise things either even if I’m sure everyone would benefit and enjoy because I’m scared of potential rejection or making a mess of things.

I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t worry about whether or not a project could fail but takes a risk on it even if I look like an idiot doing it. Who follows the maxim “fail early and fail cheap”. Instead I’m the kind of person who follows the maxim “don’t do anything because it might fail and you’ll probably look stupid”.

I want to be the kind of person who goes out of her way to try and improve the lives of others, who is generous with both time and money. Instead I’m the kind of person who always feels like she doesn’t have enough of either to possibly share even though other people seem to get by fine on less.

Can I change? I imagine it would be very hard but can it be done? Has anyone done it?

I think you can make gradual changes, don’t expect to change over night.
Maybe choose one thing - getting to know the neighbours and focus on knowing their names and having said hello by the end of the month. Or get up 20 mind earlier every day.
But why do you want to change? If you are comfortable being in a small group or in your own space, what’s wrong with that?

20 mins earlier...

I just feel like a selfish person who always chooses what is comfortable above other considerations and feel a bit ruled by my feelings rather than in control of them.

I believe you can yes.

I have been slowly making the transition to being the kind of person who I admire. It is hard work. All the time.

The hardest thing is when you fail to do something or act a certain way for one thing, it makes you want to tumble down all the new attitudes. "Well I've been late for X, so I guess I can skip Y and I'll eat Z instead of Q as I'd originally planned".

It's hard to make a long term commitment - the thing is, do you WANT to be those things enough, are those truly admirable to you? Do you really HATE what you currently do, so much so that you want to make a true change?

You've got some really great aims there. Put your time, energy and investments into what really suits your new goals.

Make it achievable.
Are you sure you want to be the sort of person who only has treats a few times a YEAR?

I am far from perfect now, but have made a start on the journey you describe. Having four children helped, as we wouldn't survive unless I got organised and less inward-looking, plus moving to a new place where we could start off on the right foot. Also decluttering - sounds unrelated but having less stuff gives you back more time.

First and most important step - you have to stop labelling and thinking of yourself as 'the kind of person who..'. Because as soon as you change your actions, you change this story.
Could you pick a small one to start? Like smiling at the neighbours. You could do that starting tomorrow morning - and suddenly become the kind of person who starts to get to know the neighbours. Like others said, little steps. Apps like famcal or cozi (and/or looking up bullet journals for a pen and paper approach) can help with time management - and a lot of other things can flow from that, if you are less rushed you are likely to have more time to make connections and feel less rushed and more confident.

One other tip that was given to us for our pften anxious and perfectionistic 5 year old - the power of 'yet'. So instead of telling yourself 'i can't get organised' or 'i don't make friends with neighbours'... Just add 'yet'. You can get there if you want to! And good luck 😊

Are you sure you want to be the sort of person who only has treats a few times a YEAR?

I want to be the kind of person who’d be content with that yeah. I’m not, nowadays even saying “no food after 6pm” makes me feel resentful, deprived and hangry, but that’s sad, I don’t want to feel like that. Food in excess of what I need is not worth feeling like that over. It would be nice to enjoy nice things in good contexts. Special meals and baked goods on special occasions, an ice cream at the seaside or local delicacies on holiday, but I want it to be contextual not “hey it’s saturday time for my designated hit of reward chemicals courtesy of sugar and fat”.

Have you read "the subtle art of not giving a f*CK"

It's great. I'm mid read, it's changing my mindset.

I think people can change, but that's a big list.

I try to be calm and roll with the punches rather than a twanging bundle of unnecessary stress. It has taken me years, and it's easier than it used to be, but I still have to work at it.

I think you could give yourself an achievable action on each of those things, and build on them. Snack on something a bit better for you rather than going cold turkey. Maybe pick one morning a week to be your 'getting up early morning' and have the makings of a nice breakfast there as a reward. Maybe find a volunteering scheme doing something that you would personally enjoy and give it a go (my employer lets us have half a day a month volunteering and I use it to work on a community garden. I love it). Start greeting your neighbours when you see them, even if inside you're really hoping it doesn't go any further than that (I really struggle to engage with people I don't know well too).

Yes, you can change - maybe not everything at once but crack on with one or two things.

I would caution against extremes though, like no food after 6 - why so rigid? It doesn't have to be one way or the other, there is a middle ground.

A smooth running morning - a lot of that is setting things up the night before IMO.

I could almost have written your OP. I hope you don't mind if I tag along to share the good advice of Mumsnet.

Of course you can.