Worried about my Friend

[DriftingLeaves]

J and I have been friends since infant school, both now in our 60s and retired.Something awful is going to kick off and I want to be there for her. Some details have been changed to avoid identification.

She has a daughter L who has one DS C (aged 13) from her first marriage and 2 DC from her second marriage, aged under 8. One has has additional needs. Her second marriage broke up just over a year ago, mainly due to the behaviour of C. He has always been difficult and there have been interventions of various sorts from several agencies since he was 3 or 4. His behaviour can be violent, usually towards his mother, but he has recently begun to attack the other DCs. L's ex has said that if she can't protect them he's going to try to get residency.

L is at the end of her tether, she admitted to her mother that she's afraid of him and what he might do and she's told social services he needs to go into care. They are resisting but my friend knows L will persist now she has made up her mind.

Which brings up my worry. SS have already asked J if she will have him to live with them temporarily. He used to stay sometimes until his behaviour became so bad that she couldn't cope. Her DH has said a very firm no, he is about to retire and wants a quiet life. J is wracked with guilt but I truly believe she will be unable to cope. She is talking about having him for "a few weeks".

I want to support her but I cannot see how this could possibly work. Do I tell her this or support her decision if she decides to take him?

I agree she should say no. Don't encourage her to agree to him staying. Such a difficult situation though

I would ask her what’s going to happen I. A few weeks time, he won’t magically of improved and they need a long term solution. Support either way but she needs to see the long term and that taking for a few weeks will be of no benefit to anyone and just prolong the stress

I agree with both of you. I'm just so in the middle it's hard to keep perspective. She won't be able to keep him, she must know that so why subject him to 2 moves?

He won't settle in a foster home if he thinks he has a chance to go to her, will he?

I'm in a similar position and pushing for residential care for my DS. I would strongly urge her not to. The LA need to step up and get the child the care he needs, not foist him onto relatives who won't be able to handle him. Plus, it might injure her case. The daughter needs to be on the phone to children's services every day telling them what's happening and that she can't cope. If she doesn't have social work involvement already, she needs to get on that. Your friend really shouldn't have him

Thank you, Starry, very succinctly put. You are right, of course. I hope things work out for your family.

I too think that your friend needs to say no. I can't imagine how awful that will be for her, and I'm sure she'll feel such terrible guilt, but she can't provide C with the care and support he so desperately needs. It will go terribly wrong if she tries to do this.

Thanks, Unicorn. I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm going to try to talk about it.