Stuck in nightmare with depressed DH

[InHell]

I will try to be brief....DH has got anxiety with OCD and depression. He wants me to stay home with him all the time to help with his OCD rituals. Obviously I have to work, you know, to provide for all of us and the DC. So today I went to work and he was mad when I came home. Because he was ringing me to come home and I refused. He can’t eat or drink before doing his rituals so as I didn’t help him today he has had nothing to eat or drink. Anyway I rang the First Response team as I thought if they see him in a state, we might get some support. She just talked on the phone with him and referred him for counselling. That’s it. He is now more angry than ever. At one point I told her I was scared as he is so angry - she just went hmmmm. There is no help. I don’t know what else to do. He won’t leave and I’ve got nowhere else to go. I just want him to be better, but he won’t go to the GP. Won’t consider medication at all. I thought first response might take him in, but they’ve just made it worse. What the hell do I do now? I feel trapped.

Sorry to hear what u are going through? Are there any family members you can call to help support you day to day? Maybe some charities might have some idea on where to go from here onwards...

Bloody hell! Sounds like a nightmare. Just wanted to say that people often advise asking for help like it will be a magic wand, when often nothing really comes of it. The bar for sectioning someone is so high. If your DH won’t engage with the help there is very little you can do to make him. It’s only your own actions you can control.

Go to the GP yourself and explain the situation. Ring adult social services and explain the situation. Does he leabe the house? Does he have family?

If you’re frightened of his behaviour involve the police

How long has he been like this?

Agree about the sectioning bar being high, you have to be psychotic & threatening harm really. You can go to the GP tho, tell them what's going on. They can't tell you anything about the other person tho, but it might help. I would basically keep on at the crisis team. And get the DC elsewhere. Look after yourself, if he is refusing help, there is literally nothing you can do until he is sectioned. There are some ocd charities?

But what will the GP do? They will just refer him for therapy and he’s had that. I think he needs medication but he’s too anxious to take it. I have had numerous conversations about this, as have other family members and friends. He is adamant that he won’t take it. I don’t think he actually has capacity to make the decision as he is refusing due to fear - not because he wants to be an arse. I feel like I’ve just been left to cope with him and I can’t anymore. It’s not like he just sits in the corner being sad either, he starts ranting and raving, then I have to go along with the OCD otherwise its scary for the DC. Can I get him out the house somehow? If I refuse to help him he won’t be able to eat, then surely the emergency services will have to take him. But it will take days to get that stage and we would have to deal with the shouting and anger.

I don’t know why I can’t seem to do paragraphs - sorry about the long posts

Can you move out for a fortnight, inform social services and let the crisis team deal with the consequences. Tell his GP also. You need to put your kids first. You have to get out of this awful situation.

You probably need to let him hit rock bottom without you as a security net for action to be taken. Your mental health matters just as much as his

Can you still have a sensible conversation with him or has it gone past that? How does he see his situation getting better if he won't engage with the GP or take any medication? Have you explained to him that his anger is taking its toll on the whole family and you don't see it getting better until he gets help. Maybe speak to the GP to ask for a home visit?

Tell him you can’t cope so moving out for a month. Will move back in once he has help and functions better.

Sadly, that's what we're saying. They can only medicate against his will if he's sectioned. To be sectioned, he has to be really ill. It sounds cruel but you really do have to let him hit rock bottom & protect the kids. We are saying GP as they need 2 doctors to section & so it's helpful if they have his history. Continuing to placate him keeps him a place where he's too ill to live with & not ill enough to take into hospital. It's really harsh saying this but I have a relative sectioned on a regular basis & her DH is left in a terrible state, before they do anything.

Or more precisely, they'll leave him with you until you throw a complete fit saying you can't cope or he's violent or whatever bad, bad thing finally prompts inpatient care.

I can’t move out though, I have nowhere to go. My parents live 200 miles away. My job is here and the DC school. I need him to go and he won’t go voluntarily.

What part do you play in his ocd routines? This is highly controlling behaviour on his part, is he able at all to see the impact on those around him?

Your kids need you to be strong and stable for them. To do this you need to get you all out and leave dh to it. You have tried. Now its time to take you and the kids out of the equation and let things get to a point where the GP, social services have to step in.

Maybe if he starts ranting, you'll need to call the police. I'm not sure but they may take him for assessment?

How long have you worked where you are? Do you trust them with this information? Could they give you time off? If not speak to your gp and get a sick note. Notify the school and ask for work to do with them remotely.

Then you have to say “I can’t do this anymore” and repeat to GP, mental health team, social services etc. You will end up losing your job if this continues and then where will you be? And your dc need support too. An angry unstable parent is not what they need. Ultimately you may need to involve legal help to get him removed. I know you want to have him ‘fixed’ but if he won’t/can’t engage then sadly that won’t happen.

The police can do a section outside of the house for definite. May be worth putting a call to them if the anger happens then they can attend and see what the best course of action is. They have their own powers and may be able to get an assessment at least. We had a section scenario with Drs (It takes multiple drs to make the decision - we had 2 Drs, a support worker and a psychiatrist attend in the middle of the night to make the decision) and they had to make sure I was on the mortgage (or rent) of the house so that they could enter and assess without needing DH permission , it's all quite complex . Like pp says it's not easy to get a hospital admission and things often have to be at crisis point or past crisis before they can step in. Please inform a GP just so you've got it on record, the more you have in writing and on hospital notes, then the stronger your case is. I would also advise the police, inform them you have DC in the house as it does make a difference and they should come out and listen.

The police can remove him from the house under Section 135 - he'll be taken somewhere safe and assessed by mental health professionals and either discharged (back home) or detained under a different section for further treatment. As you are married I don't believe you can otherwise force him to leave. If he isn't sectioned your only other option is to go into emergency or temporary accommodation. None of these are easy options, but you've done all you can to help him.

How are you doing?