Do you tell lies? How to stop?

[AtlasQueen]

I'm not someone who ever really lies at all but recently since life turned upside down and my mh hasn't been as good I've found myself embellishing stories a little much. It's like it just happens, I'll be talking about a time when blah happened and I just find myself adding a detail here and there that isn't true. It's shocking. I probably look like a dick and am going to get caught.

When I was younger I went through a stage of telling shocking lies but that was a long time ago and I thought I'd gotten over it.

Do you do this? How to stop? I hate it!!

Please be kind as well - this is a hard post to write! I name changed yesterday but am a regular. It's strange how I've been comfortable writing OPs about really sensitive relationship issues but feel nervous confessing to lying

I used to do this well into my late teens - inherited from my dm who lives in a fantasy world to this day, bless her.

I decided I'd 'out' myself every time; I'd say 'I've no idea why those words came out of my mouth! Its actually .' Or I'd say 'I might be exaggerating a bit here'. If it was someone I knew well, I'd just tell them that I'd got into a habit of embellishment so was trying to break the habit and stick to the facts.

That said, there's nothing wrong with a bit of storycraft, so long as you're not hurting anyone. It's when you have no control it becomes a problem.

I wonder if you continue working on your mental health it'll stop if it's somehow become like a verbal tic, a sign of stress in the past etc.

I don't know what to suggest but maybe seek some sort of counselling as I'm sure this stems from other issues your not happy with about yourself or your let.

Life

That's interesting and a good - but mortifying - idea about outing yourself.

It feels out of control as one of my friends has a habit of prodding for specifics and it backs me into a corner which makes me feel really ashamed of myself. I think I need to stop talking about myself at all until I sort this out.

Also - so you think you might have a touch of social anxiety? My lies would often surface if I couldn't think of anything to say.

Does anyone else do this?

Maybe counselling is the answer.

so you think you might have a touch of social anxiety

VERY much so but I'd not linked them in the past!

I had an ex who did this and it was terrible. I never knew for sure but you often get a spidey sense when you know someone isn't quite telling the truth. I don't want to be that person.

It was surprisingly unmortifying once I started down that road. I also found the lies quickly stopped if I was having to dig myself out every time. Your digging friend would definitely convince me to nip it in the bus ASAP - if you can trust her, I'd even tell what's been going on, and enlist her help.

If you say it in a jokey way and the recipient knows its that and not factual then I don't see a problem.
Someone I know turns a lot of conversation into a joke so I take everything with a pinch of salt, for instance she said, there was a spider in the bath last night so big I could see it's nostrils. Now I don't know if spiders have nostrils, but I took the comment to mean the spider was just bloody big, not that she could actually see its nostrils!
However if you are adding actual lies onto past experiences that's different. Just try to accept that people like you enough are are interested in what you have to say without making anything up.

My sister does this. I think she has social anxiety too.

I'm not trying to judge you, because anxiety is a stressful thing. But from a recipient viewpoint, I can say that being on the receiving end of lying, and sometimes contradictory lying to different family members, is also very unpleasant and stress making.

If challenged, my sister counter accuses, and calls other people liars, in order to dig herself out, and that causes a lot of trouble. Other times, nobody believes her when she is telling the truth.

I say this because so you can see that this habit affects others negatively well as yourself, depending on the lies told.

That's good to hear ceiling. I've never been called out on it yet but who knows.

bobster that's a good example! Mine are more specific though. The most recent example - I was talking about something very funny someone had done at a party, but in the telling it was me that had done the funny thing. Lame, small things like that.

Lemond1fficult that's so useful thank you

It sounds like my sister is in a different league altogether than you.

I suppose the most helpful thing you can do is to focus on building your self esteem, then the underlying need falls away. Think of lying as a symptom and try to treat the underlying "illness"- self esteem. There are books on that.

I like that way of looking at it - a symptom of something underlying.

Lemon's advice is good re 'outing' yourself. In the example you gave about the funny thing which happened at the party I would have said "Hang on, I've remembered that all wrong! That's not what happened! What actually happened was.... I am an idiot!😁". If you own it, people will be fine I'm sure.

Btw, your friend doesn't sound very kind if she is digging for details. She seems to be trying to catch you out. A better friend would gently ask "Are you sure about that, Atlas?"

Hang on, I've remembered that all wrong! That's not what happened! What actually happened was.... I am an idiot

Love it!

And it is odd with the friend. I guess I let it slide - it's a male friend and he asks me lots of questions about myself anyway as a matter of course so it isn't just my stories that get prodded into, but my life too. It's just made me all the more aware of the problem though.

I'll never forget how much I judged a girl at school for saying she had the Lion King CD when she didn't. I'm more sympathetic now

@Ceilingrose You are spot-on here. The lying is definitely linked to self-esteem. And because lying makes you feel worse about yourself, it escalates.

Happily, the inverse is also true - once I made a point of always being truthful I started to see myself as a truthful, trustworthy person. I still have quite low self esteem sometimes, but lying isn't one of my symptoms.