Please can someone help me with my self-esteem?

[NotHappyWithAppearance]

Have name-changed for this, but been a poster for 16 years.

Ever since my son was born (15 years ago) and I put on weight, I've really struggled with self-esteem regarding the way I look.

It's not helped by the fact that my hair has got much thinner and greyer over the years and I also have to wear glasses now too.

My DH is not someone who is inclined to pass comment on how I (or anyone else) looks, so I suppose I've got used to him not saying anything. But, for example, when I went for an interview and had to wear smart clothes... I put a bit of effort in and tried to look as good as I could. He knew I was nervous, but didn't say "Oh you look smart/nice/the part" or anything like that.

I know I shouldn't rely on him to give me confidence, but I don't really have anyone else who comments on my appearance either, so I don't know whether I look good, or dreadful or what. If I ask him, he'll just say "you look fine."

Anyway, this week he really upset me because I made a comment about how it's only the good-looking people who repost "post a photo of yourself if you're a strong woman" type posts on Facebook, saying that I obviously wouldn't be.

He had a real go at me, saying that it's insulting to him that I think he would fancy me if I look as bad as I think I do. (Hope you can follow this). He said he never says anything nice because I would just dismiss it (to be fair, I probably would) and that I've got to improve my self-esteem. I got very upset about it. He apologised later and said he didn't mean to upset me, but didn't add anything to make me feel better about myself.

I have friends whose husbands tell them they look gorgeous/beautiful etc and I'm sure that makes a huge difference to their self-esteem.

So I suppose my question is, how can I improve my self-esteem myself, or is it partly down to others' opinions of you?

Sorry for the long ramble.

Anyone?

I think he obviously does think you are attractive and doesn't understand your lack of self esteem. He probably sees it as you fishing for compliments.
Did he give you compliments early in your relationship?

Self esteem only ever comes from within.
If it depends on others' opinions of you then it isn't stable. It comes from something much deeper than temporal and superficial 'beauty.'
I would say you need to find things you love and things you are good at, to gain a sense of satisfaction.
No one ever gained self esteem through beauty. Look at Katie price et al.

He shouldn’t have had a go at you.

I think you know you need to work on yourself for your own self esteem. No one else can do that for you.

What’s stopping you ?

Thanks for all your replies. johndoe I think that's what I'm asking - how do I go about it? I've Googled for information but it all seems to be about building self-esteem generally. This isn't really what I need as I'm very confident in other areas of my life - I'm good at my job, very capable at running the home, am perceived as being good company by my friends etc.

It's just that I'm so insecure about my looks. I don't know whether it's because I'm older now, and finding that hard to deal with, or whether it's my weight. I just feel incredibly physically unattractive and need to put it in perspective I think.

Clearly just outed myself there. Hey Ho.

You need to do things for you.

If you feel a bit overweight, find something you enjoy that will bring it down, swimming, jogging, spin class whatever.
If you fell a bit Donna out clothes and hair, get new ones and head to the salon. Again, not for your OH or anyone else, do it for yourself.
If you're bored with makeup or lack interest, maybe have colours done.
All about finding something, no matter how small, that makes you feel good about yourself, it could even be new underwear.

OH could be more complimentary, but if he's tried in the past and you've dismissed it or been negative etc, then he'll not bother now for fear of your reaction, you've almost trained him not too compliment you..

Wow. Well, I'm shocked that your husband is so openly cruel.
Lots of people who aren't beautiful have healthy self-esteems. And it's normal for your self-esteem to become more robust as you age.

If you really want to improve your self-esteem I recommend three things

1. read Anne Dickson's A woman in your own right
2. watch Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self-esteem on you tube (I've read and watched all of his stuff and it's excellent). Do the exercises as well!
3. Learn about self-efficacy as well as self-esteem. We can know it all in theory but unless you know from putting yourself out there a bit that you have the power to make changes, put a new boundary in place, try something new, make a decision all on your own, withstand /ignore disapproval to go your own way on some matter ........ then you will feel powerless. STuck, knowing it in theory but never leaving your zone.

Thanks Jung. As I said though, my issue is only with my looks, but some of those books sound interesting, so will give them a go regardless.

The more I've thought about it, the more I think it's linked to my weight. ie I thought "If I could change just one of the 3 things I dislike - weight, age or hair" which would it be. And it would be weight. I'm not as bothered by looking a bit wrinkly, as at least that can be disguised to a certain extent. And maybe I could get hair extensions or something? But every time I catch a glimpse of myself I just see fat.

Also, I am very un-photogenic (lots of people have commented on this). So maybe because of the culture of taking so many photos these days I've come to see myself as I look in pictures, rather than in real life iyswim. I rarely have my photo taken for this reason.

I think my first step is to lose some weight. I'm 2.5 stone heavier than I was when I had my DS.

Thanks to everyone who's replied. It's made me think more clearly about what to do first.

I don’t think your husband is cruel at all. He obviously loves you but he can’t win really - you can’t with low self -esteem people (I say that as one!)

Don’t focus on every little detail of you looks - focus on health.

Also consider the value you give to others, kindness and your ability to love. With those in place you are beautiful.