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How do I help DH with homesickness?

9 replies

sawbucks · 22/09/2018 18:09

I'm at a loss.
I'm not British but met DH in the UK where we lived for 14 years and had 3 kids. While our kids are young we decided to move to another country (not my home country but closer), around 2 years ago.
DH goes back twice a year, sometimes alone, sometimes all of us. He went back in March, May, and just got back a few days ago from a week there.
In May he told me he was homesick but did NOT want to go back. I understand this feeling. You miss who is there and your life but not enough to want it back.
Last night (he was very drunk) he started crying and saying he misses his friends. He said sometimes he feels lonely here and the friends he has made just aren't the same as the friends he's known his whole life. He said he knows it takes time to settle. I asked him about moving back but he's adamant that he doesn't want to live in the UK, he just misses his life there.
What do I do? DH has cried like 3 times in the 16 years we've been together and this was one of them.
For what it's worth, I don't have friends here either, but I left my friends 16 years ago so the move here hasn't been as difficult as DH's because I wasn't leaving friends I grew up with. Yes, I miss my life in the UK. No, I haven't made friends here who are filling any voids YET. I also don't want to go back.
Any advice? Words of wisdom?

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 22/09/2018 18:13

Is there a particular reason that you have moved to where you are now?

sawbucks · 22/09/2018 18:17

A better life for our kids. We both weren't happy with huge things in the UK like schools, attitudes, and ways of life.

OP posts:
cantfindname · 22/09/2018 18:40

Aaaw I totally understand how he feels. I moved 250 miles as the area I lived didn't have a lot to offer as my children grew up. There were jobs but nothing they would have wanted to do. This was 31 years ago and I still miss my 'home', but like your OH I know I did the right thing and wouldn't now go back.

ajandjjmum · 22/09/2018 21:04

Maybe you need to talk over with your OH the reasons you made the decision to move - just to remind yourselves that they are still valid.

sawbucks · 22/09/2018 23:15

@ajandjjmum this is what we did last night. Definitely valid still. Definitely doesn't want to go back. I just don't know how to support him or what to say.

OP posts:
Stupomax · 23/09/2018 00:25

You can't fix it but you can sympathise and console him and validate his sadness. He has left something behind, and being able to talk about what he has lost sounds like it is important.

sawbucks · 23/09/2018 05:58

Thanks @Stupomax. I did lots of validation last night because I do understand where he is coming from. I just hate hate hate seeing him sad as it's just not DH at all. That's why I want to "fix" it even though I know there's no "fix". 😔

OP posts:
widgetbeana · 23/09/2018 07:19

The fix part will come from putting down roots and sadly roots take time to grow. But you can do lots to get them started.

  • clubs, both of you start going to a club of some kind. Sports or hobby type thing which can lead to finding like minded people who can become friends.
  • go to church if you are in anyway open to he idea. Lots of friendly people there generally.
  • have lots of play dates, then try and schedule weekend ones, maybe bbqs or Christmas drinks type things too, as those tend to be the ones the husbands attend.
  • volunteering at local groups, sports or scouts etc. They are always looking for leaders and it is often a really good way to meet others and have a laugh!

It is hard, in our situation it is me who misses home, but here is the right place for us for now. All of the above things have helped me to find some peace and developing roots.

peridito · 23/09/2018 07:54

Homesickness is the pits .

But two things a) it's unlikely that he feels this extreme all the time ,he was drunk and not long back from the place he misses
b) 2 years is a v short time scale to settle

It will get better ,you sound like a lovely couple and you've done the right thing .Keep going .

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