My mum makes digs at me and favours my sisters

[harmonyandrapsody]

Hello, feeling a bit down today but I am pregnant with DC2 so I could just be feeling a bit emotional anyway.

Ever since I remember my mum has favoured my sisters.
One is very clever and successful, the other is beautiful but has always been rebellious but my mum is always complimenting her and ignoring the bad things.

I'm the middle one, 24 years old. Neither successful or unsuccessful, I've been recently made redundant and I am pregnant so incredibly hard to find a job. I have a mortgage with my partner in a lovely area on a 3 bed semi. Life's a bit tough at the moment due to redundancy but we always scrape by.

My mum constantly has criticised me for everything ever since I was a teen. She often likes to look at old pictures and say I look like a dog in them. Constantly brings up previous relationships and silly things I did as a teen. She's constantly criticising my partners job (he earns 28k and that gets us by without my old wage)
Don't get me started on the parenting criticism! She likes to make out my child has bruises and injury's she doesn't and then says things like 'isn't mummy silly not knowing when you've banged your head' and other general making out I'm a bad mum comments.

She's not happy about my current pregnancy and point blank refuses to even talk about it or acknowledge it.

Why does she do it? Why me? I don't think I've failed at life. Yes I've had ups and downs but she's my mum, why does she feel the need to be like this? she dotes on my sisters, nieces, she's lovely to my daughter when she sees her but seems to mock everything I say and do. She makes out like I'm a pain. I never ask for childcare and neither does she offer even when I've been really sick with hyperemesis. She said it was my own fault I was sick.

I try to keep contact low. 1 day a week. We live very close to each other. My sisters and me have a great relationship and they don't know why she's like what she's like.

The obvious solution would be to ignore her but that's easier said than done.
Does anyone else have a similar experience?

One day a week is still quite a bit of contact. I would reduce contact even further for your own peace of mind, especially when pregnant.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are the family scapegoat . Have a look for the Stately Home threads on here. There are a lot of people on there who have similar circumstances and can offer some good advice.

I’m sorry you’re going through so much. My BIL and SIL are like
This with their middle DD and now can’t understand why they never see her.

I don’t get it but it seems common with middle children. (Not all of
Course)

No great advice I’m afraid but I guess you either have to confront her or withdraw more. She’s not going to change without being challenged.

As one who is NC with family, and all the better for it, I would say reduce or limit contact if you can't bring yourself to go NC. Your mum sounds bad enough already but to ignore your pregnancy .... you would probably be better off without such negativity. You have your sisters, they understand, and your children can still have a relationship with their grandmother.

I'm sorry your Mum is so toxic. In your shoes, I too would reduce contact. What is she actually bringing to your life apart from misery?? I would step back and see when she notices, if it improves her behaviour. Right now you are sending a message that she gets to act however she likes, and still sees you and your children weekly. Honestly OP, life is just too short to spend with people who make you feel this way, even your Mum. And definitely read the Stately Homes thread. Good luck to you. Out of curiosity..have you ever tried having it out with her?? I wouldn't have stayed quiet through all of that. But I know that's just me!

One day a week is not low contact!!

Leave the bastard.

Seriously. Cut that bitch out of your life and don't look back. Time is precious and she isn't worth anymore of yours.

Definitely reduce contact
Once a month is enough. You will be happier

DO you want the short answer?

She does it because she's a prick.

It's not you, you sound perfectly nice and normal, but you have joined the dubious club of "women whose mothers like to score points off them"

I totally understand how hurt you feel. In ten years time, your kids will be large,, you will have a great relationship with them and she will try to poison it when she drops in to score points. She will be SHOCKED to find that she fails, that your children love you, because she won't understand that have been actually kind and fair with yours whilst she was unkind and bitchy with her own.

agree with colditz. She does it because she is a prick. Also probably she gets a reaction out of you - can see you are upset - and she likes that.

Drop the one day a week contact and limit seeing her to bigger family occasions. And if you do see her and she says somethign critical have a bored dismissive reponse ready - something like "god mum are you moaning on about that again - give us all a break and stop will you"

You need to reduce contact. Why are you putting up with this, you don't have to. You don't have to see someone who makes you feel like shit.

Posters on MN always seem desperate for their DCs to have a lovely grandparent relationship with DGPs who treat their own children horribly. Even if she is nice to your DC they are still seeing you put down and treated badly.
Just stay away from her.
Have a look at her background, was she the bullied middle child and she is repeating history, or was she one of three and jealous of her DSis. There is probably something from the past.

@harmonyandrapsody I have similar issues with my 'D'M, though I'm the youngest of 3, and have recently called her out on it. Again. She explained to me nearly 6.5 years ago that she treats me like her mother did - pulls me in close then spits me out like I'm worth nothing. My sisters won't believe me when I say she treats me like this so I've gone LC with everyone.

A bit of history (am going through acrimonious divorce with EA / FA ex). A family friend tried it on with me a few months ago and i told my sisters because I didn't want to tell my parents, and my sisters blamed ME for "not holding myself accountable for HIS actions". In a separate incident my mother pinned me up against a wall in August and threatened to hit me, and my family have denied this even happened. In fact one of my sisters even said to me "as a mother, your child can really get so totally under your skin that you WANT to hit them." I said "that's not ok".

Life is too short to be the scapegoat, the black sheep - I'm keeping my children well away from these people until they realise that they can no longer get away with this behaviour anymore. Take care op - from the sounds of things you're doing alright, and your mum should be proud of you. If she can't be, you can be proud of yourself.

1 day a week isn't low contact. I'd make it much lower. Every few months? Absence might make the heart grow fonder (on her part) or it might not, but at least you'd not have to put up with her so much

Blimey, stop seeing her so often! Once a week is a lot of time to be spending with someone who treats you like the shit on their shoe!

Try seeing her once a month, and when you do, pick her up on it every time she is rude/nasty/undermines you.

"I'm not going to be seeing you as often, Mum, because the way you treat me doesn't make me feel happy or valued."
"If you can't treat me with respect, we can't have a relationship. I know you can be polite and pleasant, because you manage is with your other daughters."
"There seems to be nothing about me or my life that pleases you, mum, so I think it's best if we don't see each other so often."
"Don't speak to me like that, I won't tolerate it."
"Don't speak to DD like that about me - I won't allow it."

Set your DD a good example about how you should expect to be treated!

Tell her to fuck off. She says you look like a dog in old photos?

Thanks everyone, I have been listening and have wrote replies but got rid of them all because I feel guilty or I don't even know.

I do need to lower the contact, we live extremely close to each other so it will be hard. I can see her house from my bedroom window.
Not that she really visits us much, she prefers everyone to go to hers.

Her behaviour has really effected me over the years and I have tried to bring up some of it with her. Like when she beat me when I was 10 for not wanting to wear a particular outfit. (She had a diagnosed break down when I was 11) Or when she tried beating my door down when I was a teen so hard that I had to push my bed against the door to stop her. She just tries to laugh it off and change the subject.

I saw her yesterday and again, she made out like my daughter had hurt her arm and 'hadn't I noticed that she had a mark' and I called her out and said that she really needs to stop saying these things because they aren't true (there was literally nothing on her arm!). She again, changed the subject.

I just don't want to end up like her. I don't want my kids to grow up and feel this way about me. I don't want her poison to get to me any more but at the same time she's my mum and I feel guilty. To everyone else on the outside world she's lovely.

I'm having a bit of a cry now, life's been incredibly hard this year and my new pregnancy is a blessing but I don't feel I can be exited because everything else has just dragged me down. I miss my job and it's times like this it would be nice to have a mum to care and to chat to.

When I was made redundant all she said to me was 'oh that's shit'

I need to cut it down, maybe 2 times a month and see where it goes from there? I need some positivity in my life. sorry I am just rambling on!