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Original poster

Is it time to draw the line

18 replies

Monday2018 · 21/09/2018 07:54

Since i met my husband i supported him when he run low on money. For example he needed a new van i lent him the £5k, he repaid me £3k. So still owed me £2k, but as he was strugging to earn enough I didnt insist he pay this £2k.

My hubby hasn't worked for about three years now. He said he couldn't work no more as he felt depressed and that he would work 5 days a week renovating our house instead. I was left paying all the bills for two properties, food shopping, buying anything our child needed. Sending him money now and then as I did believe he was unwell.

His family took advantage of him not working and each and everyday they would call him, wanting new bathroom, floors, roof, kitchen fitted, doors fitted and one thing after another. Which he did at my annoyance that our house wasn't getting done and I was paying all our bills.

About a year ago I told him my money was running out and he needed to go back to work. He was reluctant. His friend got him into a hobbit which cost him about £2k for the course and equipment. He took up little jobs but instead used the money for his new hobbie and left me going overdrawn with paying all the bills. He would go do this hobby whilst I was at work or on weekends.

About 3 weeks ago I sent him another £200 As he said he was skint. Now he's saying he his skint again but I'm reluctant to send him money. I feel he should get back to work and help me with the mortgage and bills. I feel like he's a financial burden but I'm married to him. Am I wrong to feel this way. Should I send him more money or insist he starts work.

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 21/09/2018 07:58

Has he taken any steps to address his depression? Do you think he's fit for work or is he still unwell?

On the face of it, I would be expecting him to claim benefits or get a job after this long.

If it's not a family decision for someone to stay at home, then it's not fair for the other person to have to support them - particularly with an expensive hobby!

Original poster

Monday2018 · 21/09/2018 08:05

Yes, he went to the doctors. Seemed to sort his depression out about a year ago and came off the tablets.

But recently he had an accident, approx 6 weeks ago then close family bereavements. All in a short period of time. I'm worried he will become depressed again. But annoyed about his expensive hobby and feel I've supported us all long enough.

The other thing that annoyed me was that I've always been there for him but when I needed a little help to keep us afloat, he choosed to spend money on a new hobby instead of supporting me/His family.

OP posts:

Justkeeprollingalong · 21/09/2018 08:08

You say you are sending him money. Do you not live together?

FunSponges · 21/09/2018 08:11

Where is he if you are sending money?

Tell him it's not your problem if he's skint. I'd find this very unattractive about him.

Gazelda · 21/09/2018 08:17

Can you not live together to save some costs? Does he know your financial situation?

Oddcat · 21/09/2018 08:19

How on earth have you managed to pay for 2 properties and sub your husband ? . I'd be inclined to ditch your husband , sell a house and be more financially secure .

Original poster

Monday2018 · 21/09/2018 08:22

We do live together, but he has his own debt which he has to make monthly payments. So he has his own account for this which I send the money too.

OP posts:

mickeysminnie · 21/09/2018 08:39

So too depressed to work but well enough to work for family just not your own family?
Yeah! I would tell him to fuck off!

Gazelda · 21/09/2018 08:40

So what does he contribute to the family?

Are you living in one property and (supposedly) renovating another?

Babdoc · 21/09/2018 08:43

This waste of space is using you as an ATM, OP.
If you’re happy to work yourself ragged and regurgitate all your hard earned cash into his greedy lap, then crack on.
If you would prefer to have a decent lifestyle, the use of your own money and the chance to meet a man who will actually love you, respect you and contribute fairly, then leave him.

bluebell34567 · 21/09/2018 08:47

definitely draw the line NOW. in fact you've been so soft for a very long time. he will never change. would you want to live like that for ever?

TillyVonMilly · 21/09/2018 08:54

Three years not working but needing financial support, is a very long time. From what you’ve written, he was depressed, had medication, felt better after a year but is reluctant to return to work. This is because he doesn’t need to work, he asks you for money to get what he wants personally and you keep a roof over his head and food on the table. He can do his hobby when it suits him and do odd jobs for family whenever they want.
His recent accident and bereavement doesn’t account for the lack of action for last three years but could well be used by him as a way to make you keep the status quo

TillyVonMilly · 21/09/2018 08:58

Sorry op, I hit post too soon
He isn’t going to change his ways easily which means you will have to push him but do you want to? Is who he really is, worthy of the effort required by you? I

Queenofthedrivensnow · 21/09/2018 10:02

I couldn't live like this

mummymeister · 21/09/2018 10:40

Nowhere do you mention you love him/respect him or anything about what he does in terms of a contribution to your family life.

you have two choices - stay but set some much clearer boundaries that you keep to or ask him to leave.

Things have drifted. he isn't in work, he is enjoying not working and pottering around doing his hobby and odd jobs for his family with no pressure. and in all honesty, who wouldn't enjoy that as a life style.

and he does this because he can, because you are enabling him to live this life with no consequences.

so you need to sit down with him today and tell him as off a week/month whatever you decide this current life style choice of his is going to come to an end. you are going to stop paying off his debts and you expect him to either work on the house with the aim of it being finished by xx date or he finds work, any work.

you also want to know that he has gone back to the gp about the depression and all of this needs to happen pdq to get things on track.

what you have been describing in your posts isn't a relationship of equals is it and I struggle to see how this can all get back on track.

Original poster

Monday2018 · 22/09/2018 07:33

Thanks for all your messages. I am going to talk with him.

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 22/09/2018 08:05

It’s the end of the marriage I think. He’s very selfish and uncaring.

Gazelda · 22/09/2018 08:35

Good luck Monday. Be clear about what you want to change, and the consequences of that not happening. Don't let him placate you and then do nothing.

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